2016.11.15: MDWG

2016.11.15: MDWG (My Date with God)

9:44pm – 10:29pm (session continues)

God, I come before You with open hearts, with open minds, with open hands, with open soul. Jesus, I thank you for your love and your mercy and your grace. I thank you that I can help people in Christ. I’m so happy! Thank you God!!

God, help us to love You, help us to worship You. It doesn’t matter if what I say is a repeat, your praise will always be on my lips. You do not work as this world works; You do not work as this world operates. Your truths are unchanging; you are unchanging. Your songs last and rings for eternity. Help me O God, I believe in You.

Jesus, I thank you for giving me, for giving us opportunities. You give us opportunities everyday. The Devil is a liar. You are the God of many chances. You are the God of many opportunities. You are the God of patience. You are the God who sees, who sees through every situation.

My money is but a test. It is here, given to me on Earth to do Your will.

God, can you bless my pastors. Whether it’s my former pastor, my current pastor, or my pastor overseas. Bless all the pastors, bless all the priests, bless the loyal priesthood. Bless them, O God, that they may continue to declare Your name to the next generation.

Help us not to fear as the world fears. The world give us threats and lies but You give us your promise sure. Help us, O Lord, to declare Your name to the next generation.

God, I thank you and even if the worse were to come, help me Lord, to cling to You, to seek You. This is my Father’s world. I will not be afraid.

Father, increase my courage, increase my capacity to love, increase my capacity to seek You, increase my capacity to understand right from wrong because you knit us in the inmost womb.

Thank you Father, you are a good good Father. God, you are very important to us. Teach us to love You more. Teach us to seek You more. If I die, then may I die for love; may I die for You.

O God, You are enough for me. You are all we need. Jesus, forgive us, You are all we need. Bring us back to You, O Lord. And God, I will continue to sing and dance in troubled times but also in joyful times, in cursed times, and also in blessed times. Thank you God, for You are the God who rescues me; You are the God who sets me free. Christ is enough for me. Everything I need is in You.

You are all we need, O God. You are all we seek, O God. Thank you Jesus.

Help me to fix my eyes on You. Thank you God for your songs; thank you God for your motivation. I bless the singers, the worshippers of God. It doesn’t matter how they sing, as long as they glorify You, O Lord, may you bless them, may you give them your morning dew from heaven every day.

Teach us God, to love You more. May this world seek Your Face. God, I’m going to evangelize, it doesn’t matter how good I am or how sucky I am, what matters is my heart. You weigh the heart O God, you weigh people’s hearts. Jesus, give me the wisdom and the strength and the courage and the discipline to tell others about this unfailing love. Forgive us O God, and bring us closer to You.

Let there be no disagreements no arguing between group of believers. God, if they hate me, help me to love them because what really matters is they love You. They don’t have to love me as long as they love You. They don’t have to help me as long as they help You, as long as they serve You. But God, may you open the doors of help, the doors of angels, the God of Angel Armies, please help me, and God, as long as I am with You, help will come from Your people, in one form or another.

When darkness seems to hide His Face, help me to rest on Your unchanging Grace. Your veil is holy.

[In Chinese] Lord Jesus, You are God. From forever to forever, You are God. Lord Jesus, help us to worship You, help us to follow You, help us to serve You.

Jesus, you are the God of Wonders; You are the God of greatness. God, my feet almost slipped today, my feet is close to slippering everyday, but when my feet slips, help me, to look up to You and not at the mess, not at the mud, not at my injures or my pain, but to look up to You and You will lift me up.

God, even if I don’t feel it, You are always with me. You are with me from my childhood, to my youth, to my days in high school, to my days in college, and then the Army, and then college, even now. You are always there with me.

So what can we say, what can we do, but offer this heart O God, completely to You. God you are worthy, God you are holy. Help us to give ourselves to You. Help us to give ourselves 100% to You. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God.

So Lord, what can I say, what can I do, but to Worship You. Thank you God.

I know Lord, that I am facing so much stress and dark times and temptations in my life right now but continue to give me patience and to fix my eyes on You. Thank you Jesus. Help me to honor and respect my fellow brothers and sisters. Thank you God.

You are a forever God. You are forever. Thank you Jesus.

God help me to us the abilities you have given me for Your glory. Help me to pick up my sword and fight for love. Your love O God, have won for me. You won me over with your love, with your mercy, with your grace. Thank you Jesus.

You are the God who judges me. You are the God who has chosen me. You are the God that keeps me singing, that keeps me dancing.

It’s nice to know, I’m not alone, I’ve found a home here in Your arms.

(session continues)

Song: This I Believe (The Creed)- Hillsong, Christ is Enough- Hillsong, Cornerstone- Hillsong, The Stand- Hillsong, We Dance- Bethel,

11/14/2016: MDWG

11/14/2016: MDWG (My Date with God)

11:09pm – 11:37pm (session continues)
God, I come before You, so unworthy. Today is meant to be the day that I publish earlier versions of my dates with You, but Lord, I still struggle so much. The only thing that keeps me from greater sin is my desire to seek You above anything I want and to honor and respect my Christian brothers and sisters. If I have said thus, David said, I would have betrayed your children. But, surely God is good to Israel. Surely God is good to me.

Tell me the old old story. Help us God, protect us God. Times are going to get darker. How so, one may ask? It’s spiritual darkness, it’s evil, its’ choosing to be selfish, choosing to not love people and hating, and disrespecting God, your Creator. Remember not the sins of my youth and lead me to the way everlasting.

Tell me the old old story, tell me the old old story, tell me the old old story, of Jesus and His love. The only thing that I regret more than not fellowshipping with my Christian brothers and sisters is not fellowshipping with You. So help me God, to seek You more. Despite all the negativity, despite all my circumstances, despite all my seemingly hopelessness and failures, You are still my God and the God I love. You are the God I know.

All the songs that I posted in my past life, I can’t bear to look at them because something is not right with my relationship with You. Tell me the old old story. Tell me, Lord, of Jesus and your love. Remind me, remind us, O Lord, of what You have done for us. Of what You have suffered for us.

My blog, this blog, O Lord, is my story with You. Whether my stories are good or bad, it is still all about You. You own this blog, you own my discovery, you own my little dream.

Everyone can hate me, O God, everyone can ignore me; I can be an outcast, but I will still seek You and worship You. Jesus, put fear, holy fear, in those who do wrong, in those who plan evil, in those who are selfish. What is evil? It is being selfish. It is not saying more of You and less of me. Lord, more of You and less of me God. More of your desires and less of mine. More time spending with You and less time with mine. Jesus, your story is above our stories. Your plan is above our plans. Your ways is above our ways.

God I thank You for Your ways and Your plans. Lord, even if I’m not fully prepared, I’m still going to share your love with everyone. Even if my sword is still very dull, I will still pick up my sword and fight for love. Because as long as I seek You and follow You, you will hold me and watch over me. My feet will not dash against a stone. You will hold me in your right hand. Yes, it will be painful, and yes, it may be shameful, because I am ill-equipped, but what matters is I give my life to fight for your cause, in whatever capacity that I am capable in or best in, even if my best, O God, sucks.

Help me, God, not to be distracted by my own desires, by the present without You, and by other people whose plans don’t include You. God, I’m a man that is easily distracted. If I’m a soldier, what would happen? Lord, what will happen? I will lose but not die, until my time is up, thankfully, because the God I serve and worship is the God of life. And God will raise me up again and give me another chance. No Lord, it’s not a second chance, I long have wasted that, it’s my gazillion chances. But each time I fight for You and for love, which love comes from God, I will get better and better, thanks and all honor to You. But it will be painful, but You will carry me if I can’t go on. You, O God, see my heart, and you know when I’m at my limit, my limit without distractions, my limit while fully seeking You.

Thank You God for your mercy, thank You God for your grace. Thank you God for giving me opportunities. For you are the God of chances, you are the God of everything good. May all praise and honor be to You. May my life be less of me and more of You, less of me and more of You. My ways do not seek You completely but You want us to give You everything so we can have everything. Thank You Jesus. Tell us the old old story.
Song: Tell me the old old story- Hymn,

(session continues)

 

11/10/2016: MDWG

11/10/2016: MDWG

10:52pm – 11:07pm (session continues but transcribing finished)

God, I thank You for today. I thank You for opening my eyes, for giving me more knowledge and wisdom. Surely the folly lack wisdom and I lack much of it. My flesh is still strong O God, but You are changing me day by day.

Lord, I thank You for your hope and mercy and grace for this country and from what happened, for all the countries of the world. Bring us back to You and help us to love You no matter what our beliefs are.

God, I try to make it a habit of spending time with You and I try to transcribe it for Your glory. May it not be my pride, for if it is, then make me just a resounding gong but still give You all the glory and honor and praise.

God, I’m a very shy person, I’m very weak-willed, I’m very easily influenced, I get confused all the time and indecisive, but one thing about my life Lord, is I’m never indecisive about loving and spending time and seeking You. Well, in my severe moments of weaknesses, I have, but it is far less than others. Surely You are the truth that needs to be heard, more so than shouts of fools.

God, as I come before You today, I come with brokenness of life, I come with troubles and burdens, with pain and grief, with weaknesses and flesh, but Lord, I will still come and help me to come as I am. For You are our Rock eternal, You are our God.

Father, all the nations of the world are but a drop in a bucket compared to You. You reign, O God, and what You ordained, men cannot change. Jesus, I need Your help and I need You.

I’m fearful of my situation but the only thing that can allay my fears is You. My issue, and I feel many other people’s issues, are spiritual in nature. Like what the pastor says, it starts out spiritual, then it manifests into the physical. But God, regardless of what happens, You are still my God and I will try my upmost to seek You and to love You. For ultimately, You are the One who gives justice and mercy and grace. I should have said “let me fall into the hands of the Lord, for His mercy is very great.” …

God, I know that time spent with You is well-spent and I’m here and I will give You all the glory and all the honor and all the praise.
[session continues but transcribing ends]

7/8/2013: I’ve Told Myself that You are Not Enough (You Are I Am- Mercyme)

7/8/2013: I’ve Told Myself that You are Not Enough (You Are I Am- Mercyme)

S: 10:18pm
E: 11:14pm

I really do feel that nobody cares about me. No, not feel but probably see. God give me eyes too, I can see and feel what is going on. It is only when I have money, when I have influence, does people start to care about me. If it is based on who I know, if it is based on how many influential people I know aka “connections,” then I already have the most important one. His name is Jesus. If it is based on money, on riches, then I have the most important one, the Crown of Life.

The only thing I feel that I don’t have is my Eve. I wish God can do a surgery on me. Take one of my ribs and make an Eve from it. I have God, I have riches, I just don’t have a companion. What can substitute for it? What can substitute for a soulmate? I’m thinking. Many Christians will tell me it’s God, God will provide everything. And yes, God does provide everything. I can talk and spend time with God, but I feel there is a hole that being with God can’t fill. That hole requires one of God’s greatest blessings, a mate.

My church is doing a Spiritual Health Checkup but I am long aware of my condition. I try to follow God, to seek Him, but my flesh, my sinful nature, and the airwaves of Satan, greatly hinder me. I do evil instead.

I feel like I’m stuck in a loop. I need a girlfriend to continue growing, to survive, to reach my potential, but what I’m getting from this world is that to get a girlfriend, I have to first have money. But, so far, I can’t do it without a girlfriend. People may say my problem is psychological, that there is something abnormal with me. But, I don’t think so. What I want and what I need are part of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Having a soulmate will greatly satisfy my need for love and for belonging.

I tried. I can’t just pretend that I’m talking to my future mate. I can’t satisfy my need to be loved and belong by imagining that I’m talking with a girl I love. I feel that is sinful and it doesn’t do anything to change reality. Posting pictures of girls won’t work also.

I’m writing this and thinking this with my eyes closed. I feel thinking deeply and then writing helps to improve my quality, just like writing my discovery by hand first and then typing it makes my discovery better.

What is Enoch’s secret? What is the secret of godly men who remained single throughout their lives? One of the ways in which I can survive is to learn their secret.

Maybe I should have dates with God. I already sing to God sometimes. That incident on Independence Day is pretty good. Maybe I need to do something special and have much more special events with God. It’s just like a married life. Couples who don’t do things that are special a lot tend not to stay together. Maybe that’s what it means to have our “first love” with Christ. I can go on prayer hikes. I used to do them before the Army when I lived in Los Angeles. I would bike to the mountains and then walk with God. Well, by the time I reach the mountains, many times I’m already tired. :(

So this is maybe what I should do. Since I don’t have a companion yet, I will have many special events with God. I will try to invite other believers if it’s appropriate and if no one comes, then I’ll go alone. It’s being with God and doing it for God that counts. And, if, I have a girlfriend in the future, then those special events with God will be shared with her. :) But some of those special events will have to be transferred to her. Maybe that is why Paul wrote a married man will have his attention divided between his wife and his God.

I should not worry about the cost. I should not worry about how much gas it will cost or other expenses. As long as it is for the Lord, it will be worth it, if not immediately, then in the end.

When I write, I make a lot of spelling mistakes, and Microsoft Word spell-check doesn’t guesstimate them all. That is why I use the Google search engine as my new spell-check. What Microsoft Word can’t detect, Goggle can.

I could write more, but my time is running out. I need to go to sleep now. I find that I’m sleeping at atrocious times. If I was still in the Army, I would never sleep that late. Maybe I should get a night job or something. I find that I do better at night.

Good night.

7/7/2013: Independence Day

7/7/2013: Independence Day

S: 8:14am
E: 8:57am

I slept late yesterday for getting up at 9am to attend Sunday School. But, no matter how late I sleep, I find that I always tend to wake up at around 6-7am fully engenized. But, if I go back to sleep, that energy wears off and I find how truly tired I am.

I want to write today because I feel like writing because I have a lot of thoughts that I want to write about. The past few days, I’m starting to have dreams. Dreams that I can remember. Today, part of my dream is that no one likes me. Heh. I wrote an article about food or something and in the comment section, I replied to a person by writing, “I’m taking Spanish class so I’ll just reply to you in Spanish.” So I wrote the rest of that comment in probably horrible Spanish. Nevertheless, I got like 1 likes and 19 dislikes, Yahoo! style. Yet, in my dream, I feel more excited. I feel like people actually care about me if I have many dislikes. It’s kind of like if I can’t be famous, then I’d rather be infamous. It’s like of like the psychologist who analyzed the shooters at Colombine and said that these people know that it is better to have negative popularity than to be a nobody. No, I mean, even if nobody loves me; even if I’m a face that only my mother would love, I know that God will always love me and still love me. I can always talk to God about anything. I know I keep repeating what I wrote in previous blogs but maybe the reason is because I am not doing it or not doing it to my satisfaction. It’s like a pastor who preaches the same sermon because his or her constituents are not practising what he/she preached.

I had a great Independence Day. Even though my appointments with friends were cancelled, I made an Ultimate Plan just in case. And I’m glad I made that plan because I can do it over and over again. I get to go to McDonalds and spend time with God! I found 24-hour restaurants and I plan to go there to eat and read spiritual books. If I’m hungry, I can order a delicious burger. I haven’t had that in a while. So I went to McDonalds on 4th of July to study more about God and to possibly pray. Though there is a McDonalds closer to my studio, I decided to go to the one by Franklin High School because of nostalgia. That McDonald is where Melina works. That McDonald is where Michelle and Waley and I hung out together. And it’s 24-hours.

I went there and ordered a dexule combo. And then I read some books. I went to the UTEP library a few days ago to check out some books about world religions because I want to study them, from Native American religions to African religions to the major world religions. I also checked out a book titled “The Lost Books of the Bible” which includes other episels and text that were considered but not included in the Bible. It’s interesting. But, I wasn’t able to stay for the whole night. After staying there for 3-4 hours, I chose to leave to Wal-Mart where I also plan to buy some groceries. I was thinking about just buying hamburger patties and cooking it at my studio but I was worried that the price may be more expensive than just buying $1 burgers.

I was thinking about asking Danny to come with me but I decided against it because I know it’s not going to work. I was thinking about posting it on Facebook or on Faithbook to let them know my plans and if they want to come, we can share our life stories. I want to talk about that. I have stories I want to share and I want to hear other people’s stories.

Ok, I feel that is all I want to talk about. My mind is calmer now because I wrote everything that I want to write (those I remembered) down. Well, mostly because I just remembered a few more things. It’s funny how every time I write “that’s all there is to write” I remember another thing.

Yesterday, I went to church for our second youth fellowship. It is great, we have new people. But what I like about it is that, this time, I decided to be honest with everyone. I told myself to speak only when I feel inspiration from the Holy Spirit and I did so. In the past, I would stun that desire to speak and I feel it made youth fellowship worse, not just for me but for everyone. I’m glad that we, as a group, can discuss and debate about the future of our fellowship. Because of time, I will leave what we discussed out but I may come back to it once I have more time. I need to prepare myself for church.

And also, again if I have time, I want to write an abstract of every discovery from now on in Spanish. It can be incomplete, I don’t care. What matters is at least some of the details will be in Español.

5-12-05

{written}

My Discovery

5-12-05  12:10am

I know, I should be going to sleep right now but I’m not.  The reason why is because I have something very important to share with you.  I know I’m so messed up, I love many different girls: Lydia, Anna, Rebeca, Namoi, Ashley, Julai, Jessica, Jennifer (yes, both) and much more.  This is one of the main reasons why I try to not get involved with a serious relationship.  I will think of another girl and commit adultary.  I hope the first girl I date will be my wife.  Looks like that is a fairy tale.  Everything is a fairy tale to me.  I’m tired of trying to be better because I’m not making any improvements.  I’m writing my discovery because no one else will listen to me.  I have no girl friend to talk too, and I have no friends (too personal + would like to share it with a girl) to talk too.  All the girls I like are all too smart for me.  Anna for example, has a much better future than me based on our grades.  People thinks that me taking two AP classes, I must be smart, well, there’re wrong.  It’s quality not quanity.  However If I’m not going to love anyone, how will I get rid of this junk passon?  Check porn?  No that’s sinning and commiting adultary.  Try one-night stands?  No, thats even worse, you are destroying your body.  Then what can I do?  I’m trapped.  My wish right now is to buy Anna a birthday gift (pencil box :) ) and to invite her to prom.  That will be my last and only love I will ever have in my life.  I want to experense the intense passion, love and joy of being bonded with Eve.  There’s no chance.  I always mess up.  Better die than be born blind.