6/25/2013: A lesson from my Mistake

6/25/2013: A lesson from my Mistake

S: 12:04am
E: 12:55am

Time is very short. In fact, I’m already overtime. For the record, this discovery will be for myself so it won’t interfere with my truthful writing.

To many of the youth members from my church, today (I mean yesterday), is a good day. They had BBQ, we got to socialize, and we watched Despicable Me. But for me, it is a horrible day because I didn’t follow God completely and it hurts to see my Christian brothers and sisters so into the world.

The best way; the perfect way, is to follow God completely. Everything else sucks. The pleasures this world gives suck. Yet, throughout the night, not one of the youths played Christian music, the music of eternal life and eternal value. All the music they played is “feel good” music. Feel good to what? Feel good to our human natures. Why is that bad? Because it is tainted by sin from the beginning. And we must be completely without sin to be with God. I know we can always ask for forgiveness and, depending on our hearts, He will forgive, but what is wrong is that I didn’t do my best. I should not worry that I might be kicked out or become a “party spoiler.” When the youths were watching Despicable Me, I should have closed my eyes and prayed silently. The movie doesn’t have any value because it doesn’t glorify God. Sure it’s funny, but Satan uses humor to change us to be evil.

I’m not really depressed by what they are doing, but by my inaction of it. I wasn’t courageous enough. I wasn’t watching with spiritual eyes enough. I wasn’t close to God enough. I’m also upset at myself because I didn’t pray for the youths or for the world enough. Not as much as I could.

And I made mistakes. People may be less forgiving but I’m glad God is more forgiving. I learned today though the Spirit that nothing else in this world matters. I should change myself again. I mean not really change but become, really become the person God wants me to be. I took the first step, by sharing my weaknesses and trying to be myself but I think it’s time I take the next one. I need to follow the fruits of the Spirit.

These youths.. they only (or so it seems) want what God gives them; they only want the blessings yet they don’t want the work that comes. They are more enthralled by the world than in God. They are basing their industries in the wrong thing. True, sometimes actually many times my old nature surfaces up like Paul, but what matters is that I vehemently try to follow God because I know deep inside that He is the only Thing that is worth it. Claire is different. She tries to follow God and ask questions. Anna too, but I feel she is half-world and half-God. She loves God but she also loves the world (the pleasures of the world, not people in the world).

Let these youths or other people judge me. My true purpose is the follow God. If I make mistakes trying to follow God then that’s okay. I just don’t want to make mistakes while not following God.

Because of this, maybe being with people is not such a good thing. Maybe I do have a point in saying I want to be alone and just talk to God. I be with people and I get overwhelmed by their lack of spiritual growth and their worldliness. I like how Uncle Allan said in church last Sunday. He said even though ex-President Bush made tons of mistakes, as long as he said he’s a Christian and tries to follow God, that’s okay. But President Obama is not sure of his spirituality. Allan and me doesn’t know where he stands. Does he follow God? Is he a Christian?

So, I want to change myself again. I want to be more meek, to be more humble, to have more peace, to be more patient. If things seem to be in a rush, I will slow down and not act rashly. God is in control and what is for us is greater than what is against us. If I’m driving in the car with Danny and Shawna and there is just silence because there is nothing good to say than I will just remain silent. Saying something just to break the silence is bad. God is the judge and everything I try to do is in accordance with the Bible. I will still love them. I need to be more self-controlled.

Sometimes I remember praying that I can have a “hot-line” to God. I tend to perform better spiritually at night. During the night, I feel I can talk to God much easier. The connection is stronger. I wish every day I can talk to God like I talk to a walkie-talkie.

If people question me and ask “Steven, what are you doing?” or “Why are you behaving like this?” I will tell them that I “want to be the person God wants me to be.” If they ask “How do you know what God wants you to be?” I will answer “Through his Word and though his Spirit that he gave me.”

Sometimes I wish bad things can happen to my youth members not to destroy them, but to build them up. After all, bad things happened to me in the Army and it helped me to grow.

I know by writing this and behaving like this I may lose many friends from church. But, if they love God, I’ll see them in heaven and we can be friends again.

I think what is the main difference between members of my youth group and me is not I have more wisdom or I behave better (or the other way around) or any other thing but simply because I try to follow God [more]. And the amount of our effort determines [the speed of] our spiritual growth. Course I mess up, course I get angry, and make mistakes, but as long as I try to follow the Lord, my stock in the stock market will be in an upward trend. Volatility doesn’t matter.

I want to try to do more in evangelism. I want to try to answer at least one spiritual or personal issue question from Yahoo! Answers once a day. I used to do that before but I stopped. It doesn’t matter if I will get less “best answers” or my percentage will go down. What matters is that I try to please God. If I suck in trying then oh well, I’ll try harder. I will either finish the race or die trying. I think that is what every Christian is supposed to do. Then we will have eternal life.

祂為愛來到世上
祂為愛走上十架
祂的愛改寫歷史
祂的愛重生了我

10/14/2012:

10/14/2012:

{S: 7:59pm}

If I should die in a combat zone
Box me up and ship me home.

Tell my mom (1) / church (2) I did my best
Bury me in the leaning rest.

That was the Army cadence I sang to give myself the courage to bike with my radical black Christian T-shirt to church today.  I really do feel the world I’m living in is a combat zone.  Standing up, telling others that I am a C is very dangerous in this time.  I am a C.. I am a C-H….

Claire commented to me during lunch that I am wearing that black Christian T-shirt again.

“People are going to beat you up,” she said, “Better learn karate.”

Well, I don’t know karate and I don’t know the Army combatives.  But it’s okay.  If they beat me up, my blood will be precious in God’s sight (Psalms 72:14).  The best self-defense is spiritual self-defense.  If I should die in a combat zone, box me up and ship me home.  {8:18pm}

 

9/30/2012: Eyes on my Head

9/30/2012: Eyes on my Head

{S: 5:12pm} I could just combine my entries into one but doing so will make my writing more unorganized.  Today I do want to write about something that happened to me recently.

Today, I mean yesterday, I was angry at God.  Yesterday, my medical friend Jason invited me to his dinner gathering.  When he gave me his invitation on phone, I didn’t know what to decide.  Part of me wants to say yes, and another part wants me to say no.  So, I tried delaying tactics by asking more questions, saying “um” a lot, and basically giving neutral answers.  I told him the truth, by telling him that I “cannot decide.”  I may be become more indecisive than usual.  Knowing that I need to be more courageous and to make up my mind, I told him yes and asked for the time and place.  So, I decided to go.

In the beginning of the dinner event, it was great.  I greeted and conversed with all of his roommates during dinner.  I’m surprised guys can also make good food :p  I had wisdom and my conversation was light and full of salt.  However, after the dinner, I began to make a few mistakes.  I couldn’t see where the present is heading.  Don’t get me wrong, it was still a great day.  Jason’s roommates are all Christians and a few of them could play guitar.  I played couple songs with them.  Among them are: “The Nails in Your Hands,” and “Alabaster Jar.”  They are very nice and friendly.  I got leftovers and Nathan gave me a pear to eat on the drive back.

However, I couldn’t tell the signs.  Perhaps I overstayed my welcome.  Maybe because they are medical students, they couldn’t have a lot of free time.  Or maybe I’m just a perfectionist and I want every encounter to be near-perfect (on my part, and that requires wisdom).  But I left that night, among “good-byes” feeling forlorn inside.

I felt forlorn inside because I didn’t have enough wisdom to know what was going on.  I didn’t have enough wisdom to leave at the right time.  I was angry at God because my whole life revolves on Him, on Him giving me “strength, courage, and, most importantly, wisdom.”  I asked God for wisdom all the time but how come yesterday, I lacked it?  I cried at night and asked God, “why?”

I was about to not go to church today, but praise God I chose to go.  I could only go under one condition: that I become cold and calculating, so I won’t make any more mistakes and bring more shame on myself.  I decided to go only to worship God and I planned to leave early.

I chose to wear my black Christian T-shirt because I wanted to look tough so I can minimize my encounter with people and thus make potentially fewer mistakes.

Today’s sermon spoke to me.  It seems the pastor was reading my mind.  Guess what the sermon is about?  Wisdom.  The pastor shared, on a crowded Chinese moon-cake Sunday, that the “fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10).  The key passage for today is in Ephesians 5:15-20.  We are to “redeem the time,” “understand what the Lord’s will is,” and to “be filled with the Spirit.”  That is wisdom.  That is “making the most of every opportunity” as the title of this sermon states.

I realized, based on these Biblical standards, that I lack wisdom.  First, I don’t manage my time wisely.  Much of my time is still lost in vanity; in computer games; in my passions and desires.  Although I know such things are destructive, I lack the self-control to completely neutralize it.  Second, I don’t spend a lot of time “understanding what the Lord’s will is.”  I would make plans and “do and do, a little here, a little there.”  Many times, and especially when the urge to play games hit, I know that I should stop what I’m doing and receive instructions or orders from God.  But often, I would play games first and then seek God.  Lastly, Christians are to “be filled with the Spirit.”  If I don’t spend a lot of time with God, how can I be filled with the Spirit all the time?  Now that I’m thinking about this, maybe God did give me wisdom.  He did give me “eyes on my head” to see these destructive behaviors but I chose to continue on (Ecclesiastes 2:14).

Before I continue, I may be giving the wrong impression.  I always put my schoolwork first.  In tough assignments, I plan ahead so I can finish them on time.  I always make sure I complete all my homework by the due date.  However, I know I can be much better than this.  I can be an excellent student, instead of just good or decent, if I have more self-control.  The Army with God changed my greatly, but, to me, it is still a life-long process.

For the sake of time, I am going to write a little more briefly.  My tough-guy stealth mode didn’t last long.  When I first came in the church front door, I went to the gymnasium area first to drop-off my “Autumn Olympic” papers.  There, Auntie Diana stopped me and asked, “你這麼了?”

I hesitated because I don’t want to lie and say “I’m fine” so she said, “快說.”

I told her I’ll talk to her during lunch and she agreed.  I’m glad that there is someone from church who can see through me and is willing to help me.  This action somewhat softened my pose.

So during lunch, which is a family luncheon with moon-cakes involved, I sat across from Diana.  I told her the story I wrote earlier in this diary.  “I don’t understand,” I told her, “I asked God for strength, courage, and wisdom and He doesn’t give it to me.”  “My whole life is about wisdom and if I don’t have wisdom or enough wisdom, I cannot live.”

She listened patiently as I voiced my complaints.  I was afraid that I won’t be able to say what I mean because of my poor Chinese, but surprisingly, I feel I was able to convey to her what I meant.

She told me that God gives people wisdom or other things gradually.  As I grow in God more, I will receive more of God’s wisdom.  I know about this concept but I forgot it.  I thought God will just give me wisdom completely and that’s it (e.g. during yesterday’s dinner event) but she answered no.

“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure / This the pledge to me He made” (from the hymn Day by Day). {E: 6:46pm}

8/29/2012: My Ethics Class

8/29/2012: My Ethics Class

{3:32am} There’s within my heart a melody / Jesus whispers sweet and low / Fear not I am with thee / peace be still / in all of life’s ebb and flow..

Yesterday, I failed. I failed because I didn’t stand up for Jesus. I kept silent when I should have spoken something. Gracie was right; ethics will probably be my hardest class. I want to tell my professor in class the next we meet (Thursday):

“Professor, this class will probably be my hardest class because there are many things I don’t agree with. I kept silent on our last class because I wanted to get a feel of the environment. But, I need to be strong and courageous and fight. I will be open-minded and will correct myself if I am wrong.”

About Samson and the Philistines, God is a god of justice. He punishes the sins of their fathers up to the third and fourth generations but shows love to those who love him up to a thousand generations (Deuteronomy 5:10). God killed the Philistines because of their sin as He also punished ancient Israel because of their sin.

About the commandment “Thou shall not kill,” I heard in the Hebrew translation, it is actually “Thou shall not kill without cause.”

About how America committed the biggest terrorist act by nuking Hiroshima and Nakisagi, one interpretation I heard is that they waited for the American request that Japan surrender but received no reply. So, to save American lives, they decided with that action.

There are also a few classmates who are very outspoken and are very liberal. God, please give me wisdom and the courage and the strength to know what to say and how to reply to them and to everyone.

When faced with this difficult scenario, I have two options. I can either remain silent and just pray that my classmates in all my classes, but especially in my ethics class, can know the truth and can know more about God, or I can take an active approach and fight directly. To fight directly will take more strength, courage, and wisdom. I didn’t want to take the active approach because I’m tired. I’m already stressed enough with my many classes and my current life situation, but, I feel the right thing to do for me, since I know a lot about God and ethics, is to fight.

As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right (1 Samuel 12:23).

So, I may mess up, I may fail. I may say something that I know I shouldn’t have said. But, I feel I will do more good than harm by fighting, as nobody is perfect but God.

Jesus loving Jesus / Sweetest name I know / Fills my every longing / Keeps me singing as I go.

You may also have noticed I’m less active on the Internet. That is because I decided to save $30 a month and  because I had trouble getting Time Warner to register my location. Instead, I decided to use the internet at the library. Who knows? It may actually be a blessing. I forces me to be with people more instead of being alone. {E: 3:51am}

5/15/2011: Deeper and Further in

5/15/2011: Deeper and Further in

S: 9:13pm
E: 9:35pm

I realized that as I grow more mature in my Christian walk, I have a crazy way to deal with conflict with other people.

Instead of avoiding or trying to fight against my oppressors, I tend to want to be closer to them. Sure, I do feel hate, but hatred for their actions and not the person. The more I feel opposition or resistance, the more I want to jump in and go into them, the more I want to talk to them, to show them that I’m not an evil person, but a person with a heart of love.

I am spending way too much time on Erepublik, a fictional online game where you become a citizen of your country and fight for it. I love Israel, so I spent so much time on it.

Maybe the story of how I got my eIsraeli citizenship can describe my God-given way of how I deal with conflict.

I’ve always wanted to go into Israel. I find that the more I love God, the more I love Israel. When the game implemented the economic changes, and I found myself out of work, I used that opportunity to move to eIsrael. I quickly found work, talked to other citizens, and applied for citizenship. A few days later, a eCongress member messaged me asking why I want an eIsraeli citizenship. I told him the truth, which I love God and would love to help defend eIsrael. He starting questioning my intentions and asked if I’m there to destroy his country. Any normal worldly person would have cussed him out or given up. However, I used godly wisdom and told him that he has a reason not to believe what I say; that words are hollow. I told him, however, that God will be my judge and restated my desire for citizenship:

“Nothing that I, or anyone, say can be proven. Words are hollow in this day and age. You just have to believe that what I’m saying is true and with God as my judge, what I’m saying is true.

“If I forget you, O Jerusalem, may my right hand forget its skill” (Psalms 137:5).

Citizenship or not, I plan to defend eIsrael against all enemies. If I do choose to work (I’m thinking of being a trader), I will work in eIsrael.

Maybe only time can tell. If that’s the case, then let time tell.”

At this point, I even messaged the ePrime Minster of Israel, asking for citizenship. I also went to Erepubik support and asked if there is a way to become a citizen of another country without deleting my account.

The more I feel opposition and resistance against my desires, the more involved and courageous I become. And this morning, I went onto the game and guess what? I got eIsraeli citizenship! I was so happy.

However, now I have another problem. I tried to go on IRC into the eIDF fourms but when I went on just to test if it works, they immediately kicked me out. Well, at least I know it works. I feel anger burning inside me again. Again, I need to make a drastic decision. I went on the IRC support forums to learn more about IRC, since it’s my first time using it, and I messaged the eCongress member who gave me citizenship (the one who gave me a hard time) about the problem. Like in Narnia, I want to go deeper and further in.

Another drastic step I can take is to just delete my account and stop playing Erepubik. I am already spending so much time on it and not enough time reading the Bible or on God. I already know that everything else is dross compared to God. It is godly wisdom that enables me to make big, drastic decisions. It is my faith in God that enables me to have strength, courage, and wisdom.

12/6/2010: My desire

12/6/2010: My desire

There are many things I want to write about myself so far, but I don’t have time now. It sucks. The Bible is right in saying there is a time for everything. I didn’t feel like writing yesterday or the day before yesterday even though I have things to write. Partly, it’s because of my sin.

12/7/2010

S: 6:55am

E: 7:30am

These past days, I have been under tremendous attack, not by people, but by my flesh. I know that any human desires will eventually lead to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I cannot do what I want but only what God wants. But, for the past three or four days, it has been almost impossible. I cannot sin against God. I cannot get pictures of girls and masturbate because not only is it wrong, but these people have a soul and spirit too. And I don’t care if it’s just their face, I cannot sin against God because they have a soul and spirit. Praise God, although I did masturbate, I did not get any pictures. Whew, I did my best to fight that one. I don’t know, it seems I have my own bio-rhythm, or time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The past few days have been very hard spiritually for me. I would play computer games instead of worshipping God, and then feel so bad that I do my best to worship God only to turn back to games again. I try to pray, I try to do right, but my desire burns in me. Often, I would look around my room to see if there are anybody watching me, so I can download those evil pictures, but praise God, I can’t. When I wanted to sin, my battle buddies are here, when they are not, I thought: It’s a perfect opportunity now, my conscience prevented me. I tell myself that I just can’t sin against God deeply and that these girls have a soul and a spirit. Doing these things will cause incredible damage.

On Sunday, I tried to memorize the Book of Psalms again, but although it is the most psalms I have read for a long time, I still fell to my desires. It is so not easy to follow God, I need to memorize the book of Psalms to live a holier life.

Today may be another difficult day so I’m going to sleep soon to gain energy, but let me first wrap this up.

Recently, I have a huge desire to find a girlfriend. I want to find another Endora, another Rebecca, and another Pricilla. I need to find a girl who loves God, and I thought, maybe I should go to Asia Friend Finder and try my best. I will not be afraid because God gives me courage. I don’t care about shame, because God is my judge. I don’t care if I fail because though a righteous man falls seven times (Proverbs 24:16), the Lord picks him up each time.

And, while I was in the shower, I was thinking, I can make more of a difference in the streets than in a church. I don’t know if I want to go back to church anymore because what matters is I love God and I love people. Of course I love my church friends, but the Bible says I need to love God so much that it’s like hatred compared to God (Luke 14:26).

I feel so much opposition. I feel many people are, or will be against me, but I must be strong and follow God. People can rebuke me, of course they can, and should, if they have God’s interpretation on something that I lack.

If I’m a country, I feel I’m most like Russia in World War II. I feel I’m alone. Those German panzer tanks are killing me, but the more they come closer, the more I’m weak, the Russian Winter of hope comes in. And if I commit, I have the resources and manpower to beat back the enemy. And, I’m alone too, I have no close or immediate allies. But, I’m big because God made me big, so I can stand not on my own two feet, but on God. I have the resources and land (potential) to be solo with only God.

12/8/09

12/8/09

S: 0749

E: 0756

Today, there was a huge windstorm. Wind speeds up to 60-65mph. Many tents blew. But, I am not afraid or stressed out. My hope is buit on nothing less but on Jesus’ blood and righteousness. In fact, it is in times of disaster that energenizes me. It is my finest hour. The reason why is because it is then that other people genueily need my help. Yes, I am still tired. Yes, I am still weak, but my passion to help others burn even greater.

8/28/09

8/28/09

around 3pm

There is a nervousness and apprehension every time I decide to let the world see the true me.

I’ve spend all my free time updating facebook, showing my true self, and my reliance on God. But, I have no friends, therefore, I am not afraid. There is nothing to be afraid or worry about because I can’t be rejected.

But once I decided to enter phase I, which is adding friends, little by little at a time, I feel apprensive.

What will I do if they reject me? What will I do if they tell me to change my profile, which is in essence, me? The purpose of facebook is to let others know the true me. Is to portray an honest portrayal of me. If they reject me for who I am, I will not be afraid, nor will I fear, for I know that I am just trying to be myself.

I follow God, and that is all I need.

And sure, God can use other people to talk to me about my profile or about me. I will listen to their suggestions and carefully and patiently look for answers in the Word of God. If I am right with God, I will not be moved or shaken.