[written diary]


S: 12:07am
E: 12:11am

I want to start writing again. Before, I type my discoveries on my computer. Both have their merits and they are not completely interchangeable, so I will do both.

I feel I am so confused. I want a girlfriend, a soulmate, but at the same time, I don’t. But the odds are against me finding a gf.

You know, writing is a bit too slow. I’ll write when I’m at a place where I don’t have access to my computer. I’m going to type.

10/19/2011: My notes during CQ shift

10/19/2011: My notes during CQ shift

S: 1921
E: about 2100

Today I have charge of quarters watch (CQ)!!!! yay. Nah, just kidding. I really hate CQ or staff duty or any other duty that requires me to be awake for 24 hours straight, so, I’m just going to write whatever is on my mind. I can always have a lot of things to write and writing helps me pass the time.

I’m tired, like always, and I know that I should be trying to sneak in naps instead of writing but I’m still going to write. I have a lot of things to write in my heart.

First off, even if nobody loves me, cares about me, or have anything positive about me, I must still be able to love, care, and do anything that is good or right. Even if everybody only receive, I must still give. I need to do this because my life and my circumstances are not dependent on what happens to me in this world, it is not like shifting sands, but it must be like the solid rock of Christ. I must love because God is love. I must care because God cares about us.

I have so many worries, and yes, so many problems and faults. But, I can tell, and thus give, my worries to God, and ask God to change me, to transform me, and although the process may be long, someday perfect I will be.

When I think of an angel, I sometimes think of Archangel Tyrael in Diablo II. He has two wings, yes, but he also has many limbs. These limbs are useful to fight against evil. I also want to be like an angel and, like him, I also want to have many limbs.

To me, these limbs symbolize my efforts to change the world for good. I have my music creation limb, which I play Christian music on my guitar and publish it on Youtube. I have my “my story with God” limb which enables me to share with whoever wants to read my life experience but, more so, with God. I have my music video making channel on Youtube which enables me to post Christian songs I love but are not found on Youtube. I, too, need to share with the world God’s songs. Some of my less-used limbs involves my commenting on Yahoo! News. I want to share with the world what Jesus would do and to help change other people’s opinions not just about the revelent topic, but also about God, and to be a voice of wisdom and of truth. I also have a limb that enables me to help people on Yahoo! Answers. I read questions and the user’s answers and I’m disappointed how so many of them lack God’s wisdom and are even destructive. I choose to answer their questions with love and concern.

Oh and my computer got hacked. So many things happened during the last two weeks that could of made me easily want to give up: My guitar broke, I lost all my personal files (the windows backup I did did not contain the files I truly want), I cracked my toenail while playing soccer last Thursday and over-extended my foot ligaments. But, I don’t know. In a way, my sky is falling, but in another way, I somehow find the strength to continue. I find the answers in God alone.

It’s ok if I lost all my personal files. Just give me my basal needs and my Bible. That’s all I need in this world. It’s okay if my guitar broke. I have other worlds to sing in. I can focus my effort on doing other productive work I never had time to or thought of like making Christian music videos, or helping people through Yahoo!. It’s okay if my feet is injured. My toe-nail managed to fuse and I’m healing without pain. My ligaments, although it hurts, is not severe. Plus, I get a break from excruciating regular PT. I dislike regular PT now because it is so hard. And it’s okay I have this CQ shift because I will then have a four-day weekend! I just have to get through the last 13 hours….

I need to spend time with God more. I need to do more prayer walks. I really want to buy a acrostic guitar so I can sing and smile and walk.. and pray.

I’m making good progress on my educational front. I was able to update my home college through the Army education center and I got most paperwork done. I’m planning to take Spring semester at EPCC (El Paso Community College) and work on my associates in Social Work and then transfer to UTEP for my bachelors.

Oh, and another thing. Today, a few of our battery NCO’s came and one of them began to talk about making web apps for mobile phones. While they were talking about it, I remembered my desire to make an improved version of Spiritual Warfare, a Nintendo game. I began to share my idea to him and while I was still speaking, he told me to hush and then told all two sergeants to listen. I repeated my idea to them.

It’s kind of hard for me to explain on writing but I’ll do my best. In essence, it’s kind of like a Legends of Zelda game but instead of throwing swords, you throw fruits, spiritual fruits at unbelievers. Each fruit is like a weapon and it represents different things. An apple symbolizes patience. It travels in a straight line, far range, and travels slowly. A banana represents faith and it has long range, travels straight, and goes very fast. Each time a fruit hits an unbeliever, he “converts” and you get points. He may also drop money, but in this game, it is called “faith.” You save up faith points to buy more and better fruits and also items. There is also kind of like a world map. You start off in a relatively tame area, the park, and you work your way into the city, then the slums, then the jails, and then Satan’s stronghold. Each key area offers an Armor of God piece. In the park, for example, you pick up the Belt of Truth which enables you to move boulders. You move that boulder to get into the city. Each armor piece has a special function. That is Spiritual Warfare, the Christian computer game I loved and played long ago.

In addition, I want to add a “talent” tree, like an RPG game. The name of each talent would be from the fruits of the spirit. There will be a spiritual gift of “patience” or “love” or “faith,” etc. Each talent would help the character in that area. And instead of a one-hit KO on unbelievers, they would have different hit points and it would take multiple fruit hits to win them over. It’s going to be so fun! All I need is someone who’s good a graphic design, and someone who can program in flash.

My sergeant from my battery told me if the game developer likes the idea, he/she may do it for free. Of course I would split the profit from the game with him (from ads), but the game must be free so everyone can play it. I want everyone to be a Christian soldier!

Gosh, I hate CQ. It would be impossible for me to write for the next 12 hours. If I am able to write this long, this blog would be more like a book! Lol.

Again, in the Army, everyday is hard. I can’t wait to get out of the Army. I have just 6 months to go but those 6 months feels like eternity. I’m not sure if civilian life would be just as hard as the Army although I hope not. In a way, I may be able to treat my experience in the Army as basic training for civilian life. Maybe God is preparing me in the Army so I can follow His will when I become a civilian.

I can’t wait! I will use my post-9/11 GI-Bill and get my tuition, hosing, and basic needs taken care of. I may even have my room for myself! It would be freedom; I would be truly free. No more formations, 24-hour guard shifts, feeling like I’m wasting my life going to work (I’m only going to work just to get paid..), and having to deal with people who think they are better just because they served more time in the Army (rank). In the civilian world, there will just be Mr. and Mrs. and maybe a few Dr.’s but that’s alright. They earned it.

Okay, I’m done writing for now and God bless!

Okay, I’m actually not done yet. I just remembered something important I want write. In almost all Army units, down to the battery level, there is sign that counts how many days since a alcohol-related incident has occurred. Units with more than 90 days gets a saber award on their guide-on (banner). I’m thinking to apply that military concept into my own life. Just instead of drinking alcohol, because I don’t drink, it would be how many days since I last checked pornography. That is an issue I struggle with. And it has hurt me tremendously. Only the One who is able was able to lift me out of the mire. It would be embarrassing to display it publicly but I may decide to for accountability reasons.

And speaking about how my computer got hacked because I opened a scam “UPS package” e-mail, it made me wonder about my spiritual life. How many times has Satan “hacked” my life? For computers, it’s e-mails, malicious programs, spywares, etc, but for humans, it’s temptations. Temptations to do it my way instead of God’s way. How many times have I let viruses, spyware, and trojans of the heart into my life? I do have an anti-virus program and, luckily, I have the only one that truly works because it is “sharper than a double-edged sword” (Hebrews 4:12). I must increase my spiritual firewall by being like Joseph and flee from sin. I must increase my scanning capabilities by increasing my wisdom through the Word of God. I must increase my spiritual protection by spending more time with God.

This hacking incident may actually be a blessing. Thanks to this incident, I am actually organizing and taking care of my computers. It woke me up and helped me to re-prioritize my time to God. It helped me change my small notebook laptop (the one I’m typing now) to Linux, which so far, is superior to Windows. It helped remind me, thanks to last Sunday’s sermon, to build God’s house first before building mine. The first files I’m going to organize is not my pictures or discoveries but His music. I will finish building God’s house in my computer before focusing my attention to building mine.

Okay. Now I’m officially done. May the blessing of God be upon you.

12/13/2010: Precious Corner

12/13/2010: Precious Corner

S: 8:03am

E: 8:58am

While reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I had it in my heart to sing Precious Corner several times. I felt, of the four children, I am most similar to Lucy and Edmund. Edmund messed up; he made mistakes, just like me. He always bothers and annoys other people, especially Lucy, and he even had the audacity to lie about the world he and Lucy been to. He became easily deceived by the smooth words of the White Witch and became addicted to her Turkish Delights, not knowing that the food she gave to him was enchanted which made Edmund want to eat and eat and never be satisfied. I was also deceived by the things of this world, the easy sins I can reach by computer, and being addicted to computer games. And it’s enchanted too: I can never play enough to reach satisfaction. The things of this world can never satisfy. Edmund became jealous and angry at his three siblings because he felt rejected, alone, and belittled. I felt angry at my friends and people, too. I stopped going to church in 9th grade for the same reasons Edmund had. And in my entire life, I never had many friends. I think people are mean, messed up, and evil but instead of loving them as God said, I went the other way, to my Witch castle and became enslaved by games and pornography. Once there, I suffered terribly, just as Edmund had to suffer. He never had his Christmas presents, just as I didn’t have many blessings because of my sins. I had to suffer in the Army, to go with the witch under freezing cold and forced marches. Little do I know that it was then, being bonded, that Jesus (Aslan) came and saved me and to appease the Deep Magic, which states that all traitors belong to the witch, Jesus took my place and died for me. I listened to the Stream of Praise song “Precious Corner” many times, singing and dancing, because God made me precious. I should have died, but Jesus died for me. In the end, Edmund fought for Aslan and did great things. He became King Edmund the Just because he learned the lessons of his evil ways and became wise. He was great in administering justice and giving counsel, skills that I’m starting to be good at, too.

Because God has made my life precious by saving me, it has always been in my mind to design a Precious Corner T-shirt for myself. I already have the designs in my mind and I can’t wait to start implementing it.

I feel I am like Lucy too. I tend to be innocent and inexperienced in this world. I tend to trust people and I get hurt if they betray me. I am soft and sensitive. I am also impulsive and tend to have a simple “Trust in God” approach in life. And one way God answers me is by giving me miracles.

The old Edmund is what my life used to be while the new Edmund is what I am going to be. Lucy is my personality, my outlook in life.

This is the part I left out from my last discovery. I had so much to write that I forgot this whole part. I need to love God and follow Him because He made my life precious. I’m precious because I’m precious to Him.






















9/24/2010: The girl I love FINAL part

9/24/2010: The girl I love FINAL part

S: 10:07am

E: 11:43am

Yesterday, I had guard duty! I just came back from it today and tried to sleep, but, couldn’t without at least writing something about it. If I sleep, I may forget what I want to write or I may lack the desire to write it. I wrote an outline before I started writing this so I won’t forget.

The day before I had guard, I finally managed to have the guts to go back on Facebook. My close friend convinced me, in my words, to not be afraid and let God be the judge. I find that I’m so afraid of being judged. When I went on, the first thing I saw was a wall post by Auntie Linda telling me that the interview is on the air on Youtube. I immediately grew afraid because I’m afraid of being judged. In the interview, I told Auntie Linda and my mom that one of the best opportunities to share the gospel and teach the soldiers about the Bible is in guard duty. How ironic that tomorrow is my guard duty! I start to grow nervous. What if it’s the same as last time, which I was unprepared for the job but still won an inner victory. I cannot mess up this time so on the day of my guard, I went to the PX and brought lots and lots of snacks and I took an iron pill I brought from Taiwan. The reason why I’m so tired is because of my borderline iron deficiency (result from a blood test at PCC before I joined the Army). This is my chance to awaken people again! Heh. In the end, the chips gave me something to do while the iron kept me awake. I was still tired, I still slept during our resting periods, but I felt more energetic and have as much energy as my peers. My SOG told me I should start taking iron pills. I told them, besides the difficulty of finding one here, there are side effects. The main side effect is constipation. When I took one in Taiwan, I didn’t poop for a whole day. This time however, I had no problem. Hmm, strange. Praise God. Thanks to the hemoglobin, the guard shift today was relatively easier and it also went by quick, probably due to our conversations. By the time I know it, it was already afternoon. I was happy because time is going fast.

One of the main things we talked about is the girl I love. My SOG told me when we get back, he will help me find a girlfriend. I told him I already have a girlfriend. They told me that a girlfriend is by mutual consent. Both love each other. They were disgusted that I was referring her as my girlfriend. In the end, I agreed that she is not my girlfriend, but the girl I love. They asked me (my SOG knew a little about this situation because he punished me when I was late for work trying to ship a gold necklace to her) when was the last time she talked to me. I said, “um, like last January,” which is nine months ago! Between the blockings, the long ago contact, they are saying I am depriving myself of happiness and I should just drop her and find someone else. It’s not that easy. I tried to explain my promise to God of seven years, the little miracles I think God did to remind me of my promise. Still, I find myself losing on the logical front. What if God was trying to tell me to find another girl, a girl who loves God? How will I know? I can only know by prayer. I was giggling (sometimes in embrassment) and smiling the whole time I was telling the story. They could feel my emotions, but were serious about this. They asked am I still trying to contact her. I said no, the last time was in March (I realized now that I lied. The real time was closer to May?), only three months later. My NCO was worried about me. He doesn’t want me to be a stalker, to be a serial killer. No, how can I do that? It is totally against the Bible. I know she has free will (Genesis 24:5-8). She can choose whatever she wants. I told them if she has a boyfriend or is married (they asked that) I will then be free from my oath. Looking back, I felt what I said in the last sentence was wrong. My promise to God was to pray for seven years for her and if nothing happens then I would just be single and live for God. But, they wanted me to have a girlfriend, and as my last note said, I do really need one. I do need a companion who can go with me through green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death. I tried to convince them that God can find a way. All things are possible with God (Mark 10:27). But, they told me again that she has free will. Defeated, I admitted that they are right. I was being illogical. I told them I am going to do what I was going to do on my notes, that is to ask someone close to her if she has any affection for me. If not, then I will find another girl. They suggested Christian dating sites and I told them I can easily get a girlfriend. They also told me that I should have some experience first and just socialize one on one with a girl, any girl. That, to me, is wrong. Dating is preparation for marriage (thanks Ben Ku!) I can’t just be emotionally connected with a girl I’m not going to marry. Yes, I would get experience, but I would also satisfy my flesh, and I know that the flesh is hostile to God (Romans 8:6-8). If I satisfy my flesh, my flesh would want more. I learned this the hard way. So, that is what I will do. Maybe. I would see if she’s still thinking about me. That’s all. If not, then I’ll find somebody else.

Or, and this has come to my mind recently. How about the story of Watchman Nee and the girl he loved?

In his writings, Nee had trouble growing closer to God. He wanted the Holy Spirit, but God won’t give it to him. Through prayer, he found that Charity, his childhood sweetheart, still occupied a large place in his heart. And for a time, he just can’t surrender that room to God. Finally, when he did surrender this room to God, God poured out His spirit to him and he felt free! He felt like so light and so happy! He felt unimaginable happiness.

“By January of 1922 there was already a small gathering of the Lord’s people at ‘Tze Yuan’ [‘Tze Garden’]. I remembered one day that I was going to have to preach that very day. So I opened my Bible, trying to find a suitable subject. I happened to read Psalm 73, verse 25, which states: ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee.’ Upon reading it, I confessed that I could not say these words as the psalmist had said. At the time I knew that there was something hindering the relationship between me and God. For over ten years I had had deep affections for Charity.∗ She was not saved at that time. I tried to preach the gospel to her, but she always laughed at me. We truly loved each other. I let her laugh at the Lord Jesus whom I preached. In my heart she always occupied a very large place. I had frequently asked myself if I should continue to let her occupy such a place in my heart. We all know that when a young man is in love, it is most difficult for him to lay it aside. Although with my lips I said to God that I was willing to lay her aside, in my heart I was unwilling to do so. I now read that verse in the Psalms again. I could honestly confess that I could not lay her aside. During that entire week I could not say, ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee’ The Spirit of God had put His finger on this very issue as the hindrance to my being filled with the Holy Spirit. On that particular day I still went to preach, though I did not know what I was preaching about.

“Later on, I began to reason with God. I asked Him to give me power first, and then I would lay her aside. But God never reasons with men. In my youthfulness I promised God many things: I would go to Tibet to preach the gospel; I promised Him I would do this and that; but God would not listen. His finger persistently pointed at this girl friend as my obstacle. No matter how I prayed, I could not get through. My heart was really heavy. I even begged God to change His heart. But no, He insisted on my dealing with this matter. It was as though there was a piercing of my heart with a sharp sword. God wanted me to learn a deeper lesson; otherwise I would be of no use in His hand.

“On yet another day I preached in the morning. In the afternoon I was in my room under great heaviness of heart. I told God that since I would be going back to school the next Monday I wanted Him to fill me with the love of Christ. I was now ready to lay aside my lover. The love of Christ had so constrained me that I was determined to put her aside. With this decision made I could say from my heart the words of Psalm 73.25. My inside was filled with unspeakable joy. Even though I had not ascended to the third heaven, I could say I had been to the second heaven, so happy and full of joy was I. The world now became insignificant to me. I felt as though I were floating on a cloud. On the night when I was saved, the burden of my sins had been rolled away. On this day (13 February 1922), all obstacles in my heart had been removed. Not long afterwards many people were saved” (Watchman Nee in A Short Biography of Watchman Nee)

My peers told me that I’m still very preoccupied with her. I tried to deny it, but they persisted. I admitted that, yes, I did think about her often, probably as often as every day. My peers want me to be happy. They want me to find my soulmate. But, I told them, later on, that it depends what people value. If my value is happiness, about being happy, then by all means, I would try to find a girlfriend, but, my value isn’t happiness. What people value and what I value are different. Most people value money, happiness, and fame, but I value eternal life, righteousness, and love. It’s okay if I’m unhappy. My true, eternal happiness rests with God. I don’t really get offended if people steal or take things away from me because my value is not on money. In fact, sometimes I kind of want to give these things to them, to help them and hopefully, to teach them how much God loves them. It’s not my money, but God’s. If they steal from me, God will be the judge.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

-Romans 12:16 – Romans 12:21 (NIV)

People think I’m a pushover because of it, but no, I am simply waiting on the Lord. I try to be loving to everybody because the Bible tells me to and because I know, deep inside, it’s the right thing to do.

I feel I am now in Watchman Nee’s position. This girl I love is occupying a big place in my heart. Will I cast it down and give the room back to God? I feel it’s difficult; I feel it’s impossible, but it is for God’s glory. And, I don’t really need a companion. As long as the shepherd of my soul is with me, I will be alright. He is in full control.

Wow, the iron pill is working! It is now 11:20am and I’m still awake! Usually, I’m fast asleep by 0900.

I also played two games of “LIFE” on my peer’s computer. I watched her play for a little while and I grew interested. This game, originally a board game, is played against other players. Like monopoly, you move your piece around the board to reach the end. Unlike monopoly, you can’t buy anything. The object of the game is to get as much money as possible by getting as much “LIFE” points, high career, etc. I dislike how, in the end, your life points (experiences) is converted into money. To me, life experience is priceless, it’s wrong to put a dollar sign to it. I played the first round being me (I chose teacher, house initially so I can provide a wonderful home for the girl I love (I know, sorry) and later, a mobile home [so I can go around telling others about Jesus!], the risky life (since I want don’t want to be part of the timid souls who “know neither victory nor defeat” [Theodore Roosevelt]), etc. Needless to say, I lost (got last place too), but I had fun. The second round, I tried to win, and praise God, I got good luck. I did win. I first did the investment, then paid my debt, and played cleverly.

At the very end of our guard duty, something horrible happened that tried to mimic my last guard shift. I lost the equipment keys! I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t find it. But, after I gave up hope and went to the PX to buy new locks, my sergeant called and told me it’s found! Whew, praise God!

Throughout the guard shift and my life after coming back from Taiwan, I tried to not be afraid, but to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9).

I also shared my career goals to my sergeant, which is about my desire to do part-time ministry and to be a special education teacher. He told me he can’t see me as a special ed teacher. Really? Oh well, I will still do my best.

Lastly, I talked to him about my college fears. I told him the reason why I suspended my college is not only because of my gaming addiction, although it played a critical role, but also because I was just afraid of doing my best work or not, and seeing my grades as a result. For me, I have to do my best work. I cannot just write an essay in one day in six-hours. I need to spend six one-hour days working on my essay. If I do not show my best effort in my work, I’m just afraid to submit it. After much talking, my sergeant told me the reason why is because I’m afraid of people judging me. I’m surprised at his insight. I am afraid of being judged. I’m afraid to go on Facebook often because I’m afraid of being judged. I can’t submit my sub-standard work (even if it will be late) because of being judged. Many things I thought about doing were eliminated because of my fear of being judged. I need to cast down my fears and let God be my judge.

14 Jan 2010

14 Jan 2010

S: 7:33pm

I have something that happened to me today that trimupts my experience in the field, what happened after the field, and almost everything in my life. I lost my little ewe lamb.

Well, not an actual lamb, but my external hard drive. By losing that, I lost a lot of my personal information and ALL my pictures (but praise God, I still have the pictures of the girl I love, but I will delete it if it causes me to sin; she can’t “accept [my] feelings”). True, I used to have a copy of everything in my computer, but ever since I reformatted my computer, I no longer trust my computer and relied on my external hard drive. It’s so important to me that I actually comteptated suicide. I can’t go on with a big part of me missing. Someone probably stole it and used it for what it’s for, meat. Forget about the feeling, the emotions, or the experiences.

As I ponder about my loss (after looking like a poor widow trying to find her coin), I relized that my copy of everything is actually in heaven. God already knows everything. When I get to heaven, I can recall all the experiences in my life in a flash. I don’t really have to worry about keeping a personal backup. Now that I thought about it, I still have some of my pictures on Facebook. Heh, praise God for Facebook! Wow, Facebook is now my personal backup. My backup is now online. I wonder how long that will last.

Of course I feel angry on the person who stole it, but I hope that he (or she? probably not) will be changed by God because of it. I wrote a lot of God-stuff and I hope it can be used to evangalize to him. I also have all my important passwords, and yes, passwords that I can’t remember. Ouch, that will hurt, but I won’t change it. If he takes my money, it’s not my money he is stealing, but God’s, for all I have belongs to God.

And it’s also time for me to get a new computer. I used all my technial skill to fix my computer but it still failed. Even getting this on Facebook is a mircuale. I just hope I can use this time to backup what I DO have in this computer to a flash disk.

You know, I’m thinking of buying a box of external hard drives and just laying it on my bed when I deploy. I would make a poster that says “Jesus loves you” and leave it to that. This reminds me of an experience I had in AIT. One of the segarents would inspect our rooms everyday and mess their rooms up for no reason. Well, the segarents say they have a reason, like there’s a piece of trash on the floor, or the bunk isn’t dressed perfectly, or other bullshit reason. I know their motive, and it is to mess with soldiers just for the hell of it, in the name of training. My bunk would be flipped everyday and I wouldn’t know why. One day, I was tired of it, but I wanted to show God’s love to whoever is doing this evil thing. I took a piece of notebook paper, wrote in permeant marker “Jesus Loves You,” and taped a $20 bill to it. The next day, the flipping stopped. I looked underneath my pillow, and there it is, a $20 bill with “Jesus Loves You.” From then on, the seargents still check rooms, but they will only mess it up for obvious reasons. My bunk wasn’t flipped again for a long while. I find this kind of strange, but I didn’t really understand what was going on back then. Now I know, praise God.

And so, now I’m back from the field, but I still can’t “take control of my Facebook.” I would have to buy a new laptop and 2 external hard disks, just in case one of them get’s stolen.

S: 10:52

Praise God, I found an old backup of my pictures and most of my information, even through its several months out of date. I’m still content.

And also, I already went to the PX (its like a Wal-Mart to me) and brought a new laptop and ext. hard drive. A box? Nah, a little too expensive.



S: 1:54am
E: 2:07am

I’m sitting on staff duty right now. But, although I’m tired, I have some important things to write.

I almost lost my computer today, but trying to fix the problem, I almost destroyed it. And I’m not even sure if I fixed it. Most likely not. It reminds me when I was young, breaking all my household’s computers heh.

The most important thing, friend, is God. I have to memorize the book of Psalms and Matthew. I need to follow His Word in order to survive.

The second thing is about Endora. Wow, I.. I guess I was very improper with her. I had a crush on her because she loves the Lord. Now that God has entered my life, I see girls that love the Lord as beautiful. But.. I was wrong with Endora. She hardly knew me. She only knew me when I was young. What am I doing? Why am I sinning against God because of her? Lord, forgive me. Now I need forgiveness…. Sigh, I hate myself. For Endora, I’m just going to ignore her and start focusing fully on God.

It’s ok if I don’t have a girlfriend, or if my life is hard and miserable. I just want God. I just want Him to be by me. I need His presence.

Enough. I need to stop thinking of things too wonderful for me. Let God change other people around me. He is in control. The battle belongs to the Lord. I am going to swallow many bitter pills because of this.

This is it, I’m going to make a promise. I’m not going to actively get what I want until I memorize Psalms and Matthew at least. This life is not about me, its about God.

My social life will be in limbo. My future soulmate (if I have one) will be in limbo. Everything will be in limbo until I am done with my goals, which is to memorize all of Psalms and Matthew.

I’m tired of trying. I forgot that it is the Lord who watches my steps and sees my ways. His ways are higher than mine. I must suffer and endure for the Lord with no prospect of reward or comfort. No, He is the God of comfort. I need to worship and follow God.

Declared: Everything in my life will now be in limbo (not active) until I memorize the books of Psalms and Matthew completely.

Praise God!