11/17/2016: MDWG (My date with God)

11/17/2016: MDWG (My date with God)

10:54pm – (session continues)

God, nothing can stop my dates with You. Be it temptation, sins, troubles, pains, hardships, failures, nor anything can stop me from being with You, from spending time with You.

God, I need your supernatural grace and deliverance. I need more of You, O God, and less of me. Jesus, please reveal more of You and help me to control and rein in my fleshly desires. You are Jehovah Jira. You are the God who provides.

These games I’m playing, it doesn’t give You glory. Whenever I need rest, let me not rest in games, or alcohol (You know I don’t do it), …, or anything that is of this world, but in You. You are the God who gives us perfect rest, who gives us perfect peace. You are the God where power, true power, comes from.

If anyone wants wisdom, they should ask You. If anyone wants love, true love, they should ask You. You are the God who gives liberally. You are the God who gives everything good.

God, you know my desires. All my longings are an open field before You. My times are in Your hands. Let me walk in paths that are safe. Let me eat a dry crust with peace and safety than a fattened calf with strife and danger. Let me be in second place with peace and safety than first with hatred and danger. [When I’m driving. Drivers sometimes feel driving is like a race.] Our race, O Lord, our run, is not in the fleshly battlefield, but in the heavenly battlefields of faith and love.

God, I thank you for today, be it good or bad, as long as you are in control, I thank You. Continue to teach me wisdom and grace, and hope and love and discernment.

Thank you God. (session continues)

1/27/2011: Mixed Result / Read this before you play games

1/27/2011: Mixed Result / Read this before you play games

S: 6:19pm
E: 6:45pm

I really want to write a discovery today because I feel I really need an update. Today, praise God, our section had the day off! I was so happy. Finally I can have some time to relax, recharge, and do what’s important. I laid plans for today. I am to prepare my tuff box, which has souvenirs along with extra stuff I’m taking back from Kuwait, buy a few more exotic gifts from Kuwait, return my bicycle to MWR, organize my computer (instead of organizing my room, now I need to organize my files! Talking about being in a digital world..), worship God, and importantly, work on my college.

Yes, I’m in college now! Take three! I’m so blessed that God is giving me a second chance for college. I failed back in PCC (Pasadena City College) because I chose to satisfy my desires and I also failed my English Composition class at MACU (Mid-America Christian University) for the same reason. I can blame my busy schedule, or work, or peers, but in the end, it is me, it is my sinful gaming habits that’s stopping me. I am currently on track for a major in Christian Ministries and I only have a few more general education courses to go before I start my major. I better not fail this time. As Winston Churchill said, “without victory, there is no survival.” I need to try as hard as Great Britain tried to survive during World War 2.

So, what did I accomplish today? It is disappointing. I spent hours after PT and after lunch playing games. I did return my bicycle, organized my tuff box and brought a lock for it. I also read a few blogs. Reading about other people’s experiences and life and their struggle with God really cheered me up. I tried to work on my college but accomplished very little, as I was distracted by games. I set a deadline for my work on Saturday midnight. I don’t care if my work lacks quality because of my laziness, I will still turn it in. I will not repeat the mistake last time of giving up and not trying at all.

I can’t write very well now. I spent my strength not on women, but on games, but still, I must not give up.

Proverbs 31:2O my son, O son of my womb, O son of my vows,

3 do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.”

So Steven, I want to tell you that before you start playing computer games again, know that if your intent is to satisfy your desires, you will lose in the end. With God, you can always win these games; He can play the God Card. You must seek the Lord; you must seek “His kingdom and His righteousness.” The Lord will satisfy you. The joy of the Lord will be your strength.

Another reason why I was so slow in my college is because I’m just afraid! I’m afraid of being judged. I don’t feel I’m ready to write to people yet. I need to get rid of that fear and give it to God. As long as I trust in God, I should not be afraid.

As I was eating dinner in the DFAC today, a song suddenly came to my mind that is completely relevant to my situation. I need to give my all to Jesus. I need to make sure all my body parts give glory to God. I need to have less of me and more of Him. I need Jesus to live inside me completely. Praise God that I thought of this song and that is the reason why I decided to write today’s discovery.

 

小小雙手爲主做工


小小雙手爲主做工,小小雙腳走天路,

小小耳朵愛聼主話,小小嘴唇讚美主!

 

(副歌)

都為耶穌,都為耶穌,因主為我受痛苦!!

都為耶穌,都為耶穌,我願忠誠全爲主!!

 

小小眼睛愛看聖經,小小雙膝敬拜主,

小小頭腦學習主話,小小心靈信靠主!

 

follow Jesus

This song should be my anthem :) I need to follow God, follow God, even when it hurts.

1/21/2011: Stress

1/21/2011: Stress / Nationalist China

S: 5:33pm

E: 5:58pm

I find that the constant buildup of stress and pressure of life makes me very prone to give up or want the easy way out. I find that I’m constantly under attack. I’m under attack either physically, (hard work, pain, feeling tired) or if not, then spiritually (temptations, morals, relationship with God and people).

For me, being in the military is hard life. I constantly have to find a way to unwind so I can survive. When I try to unwind myself in computer games, the stress grows worse, but when I unwind myself in God, I feel much better.

As I was getting off work, two computer games came to my mind. One was Infantry, developed by Sony. I remember playing it a bit in high school at Michael’s house. The other was Continuum, a 2-D space shooter game. Both of these games have a mixture of action and strategy (and it’s free!) and thus, very fun for me. Of course, I was looking to reading about other people’s lives, but the games sound so appealing. I went to the Continuum website and downloaded the game.

I had fun at first (the same goes with drugs). The game is fun and challenging. However, I know that I’m wasting time. That I can just trust in God and play the God card” and win all these games. I think the real “winner” in these computer games is the person who follows God, who does not play it because God is victory, or plays it (very rarely) through the Spirit because he/she might learn something.

Philippians 3:7 But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

With God, I don’t need to try, I just need to trust and live in the Spirit and I will be victorious. What made me stop playing, praise God, is the high latency. I was dropped from the game twice because (I think) most of the players are from the States and are not near Kuwait or the server is located in the States. That stoppage gave me a rude awakening. I assessed that I am going the same familiar path again. The path of wasting time. The path of satisfying the soul instead of satisfying the spirit. I need to let Jesus live in me and not games. These obstacles, whether be games, or fear, or pornography (I’m being honest), or anything that separates me from God needs to be pushed out. I’m making the result for Nationalist China and one of the main weaknesses of that nation is that it was a nation divided. To the north, west, and south lies warlord states. I feel I am also like Nationalist China. In order for me to fight against evil (not the Japanese) more effectively, I need to have more room in my heart for Jesus. I need to retake those stubborn evil strongholds Satan has placed in me and convert them to the cause of Christ. I cannot do it, however, but God can. If I follow His Spirit He will lead me to freedom, for “it is Christ that sets us free” (Galatians 5:1).

1/19/2011: A Life-Changing Alternative

1/19/2011: A Life-Changing Alternative

S: 6:50pm

E: 7:10pm

Yesterday and today should be easy for me, because my NCO and squadmate had guard duty. However, it wasn’t. It wasn’t because my relationship with God is not right. I played tons of computer games and fallen into temptations and it’s hard to get back up. When I got off work today (I mostly just hang about in our office since it’s almost time to go home!), I immediately went online to search for some RPG games. After spending an hour just browsing games, I found a game, Call of Duty 2, that I think I would enjoy. The game has a WWII theme and I love WWII games. However, my credit card got denied! Hmm, that’s strange. So I went to my Wells Fargo online account and paid my current e-bill, but that should have caused the rejection. So I tried PayPal, but I forgot the password, and I remembered that if I kept on trying, it will lock me up (by experience L), so, I gave up on that. The website, Direct 2 Drive, an online gaming retailer, told me to contact customer support. Well, I’m afraid to talk to people so I rejected that idea. That leaves me with no games to play! Then, I searched for some flash games but they are all empty to me. I either played them all or it is just not fun.

It is then (now), that I decided to try a new thing. I feel so alone, so left out, and so unloved by the world. I try to worship God, I try to pray but my desire to play games overwhelmed me. But praise God, because I felt that by me being denied games, I found something more meaningful. I could go to WordPress and not only read my past blogs (I still haven’t uploaded them all) but I can read others as well. I typed in “Chronicles of Narnia” and “suffering” and found a blog post that is similar to mine. He shared about his life and the book! I read others and I felt hope. I felt hope because I found something that can really take the place of computer games. It’s like how the world relies on fossil fuels for energy and finding solar or wind power. Hehe. Well, the best form of power will be from God. When He comes, there will be no need for energy, for He (God) will be our source of energy.

Revelation 22:5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

That is what I need to do. I need to find an energy alternative to games to a more meaningful or cleaner solution in learning more about people and their walk under the sun. Reading like that will be like reading a wonderful story again, like reading the Chronicles of Narnia.

I should write more often, so I may help others with my life experience, and also to help myself too. When I get older, I will look back at what I wrote five, ten years ago and relearn and relive my life or other people’s lives. I am already reading my high school self and I’m very surprised at how much I’ve changed. For the better, of course. As long as I pick up my cross and follow Him, my story with God will become better. I am constantly changing and I hope I’m changing for the better.

1/15/2011: The God Card

1/15/2011: The God Card

S: 8:02pm

E: 8:35pm

 

One thing I discovered after playing computer games all these years is that I am always trying to win. It’s frustrating to try to win. I devote so much time and energy to beat the game and the personal satisfaction I get is dulled by the realization that I just wasted so much time. I was playing Hearts of Iron II today under “Nationalist China.” The Japanese invaded, and since it was my first go (first time playing “Armageddon”), I made a few mistakes. The war against the Japanese was going back and forth, with me steadily losing. Finally, when I lost Hefei, I decided to give up. I lost. I quit the game and was about to continue with life’s business when I realized the power of God, that is, cheat codes. So, I went on online and, with cheats, was able to get all my lands back. After work, I decided to play anew, and this time, I did very well. I was able to hold onto all my lands and was even able to push the Japanese back. But then, I realized something.

Just as I am trying to “win,” just as people try to “win” in life, I realized that I don’t need to try anymore. I have God and with God loving me and watching me, that’s all I need. Okay, I’m tired right now and my head hurts, but I still feel hyper because I’m happy to know that I will win if I just trust in God. Just as I use cheat codes to win, or use “god-mode,” God will fulfill all my desires and give me everything I want if I only just pick up my cross and follow Him.

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

Why should I play games anymore? Why should I try to win? I should let God try and win. If I just trust and follow God, I will win because God is God. He uses god-mode; He can “cheat (i.e. perform miracles)” in this world to help us. No wonder the Bible tells us not to worry about our clothes or food or shelter or things or what to say or about anything because God will take care of us. All we need is to endure and trust in God.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 6:23).

I should not play computer games anymore because with God, I can always use “god-mode” and win the game. I remember before this incident, when I’m playing flash games or games that I know I’ll win, but it just takes time, I will just say, “Okay Steven, it’s time to play the ‘God Card.’ You already won.” I think of playing Magic the Gathering with my friends and playing the “God Card,” which is, needless to say, I win the game. With God, all things are possible. Next time, whether I’m playing a computer game or playing the game of life, I need to just follow His Word and trust in God because with God, He can always play the God Card.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God” (Mark 10:27).

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy… (Psalms 30:11).

 

And many times, the reason why I play games is not because I want to win, but because I want a challenge. Well, the desire or need for a challenge stems from my soul, from my intellect. I cannot satisfy my soul, that is, my intellect, but I need to worship God through His spirit to my spirit. The spirit is above the soul; therefore, I need to focus on my spirit.

1/11/2011: Holy Spirit Rain Down

1/11/2011: Holy Spirit Rain Down

S: 8:51pm

E: 9:05pm

I was going to go to sleep because it’s past bedtime for me, but, I told myself that before I can go to sleep, I’m going to sing a 讚美之泉 song. I randomly chose to listen to “Holy Spirit Rain Down (聖靈降下恩雨).” It is when listening to this song that I felt compelled to write a discovery. Right now, I feel my body, soul, and spirit is in another civil war, this time, civil war to let Christ live instead of me. It’s going to take time. Slowly, as I give more of me to Christ, I can feel my desires to play games and the desires of my flesh decrease.

Today, I went to a MWR trip to Kuwait! It’s my first such trip and it’s.. wonderful. I visited the National Museum, a weaving museum, and the Kuwait towers. Lunch was expensive, but so delicious! When I got back in the afternoon, however, I was spent. I decided to play some computer games after uploading my December 2009 discoveries to my blog. Uploading has been a long process partly because I have so much journals and also because it’s emotionally touching to reread my past. I can feel myself, my feeling and thoughts, and see myself from my more closer-to-God perspective.

I played Hearts of Iron, this time, as Great Britain. However, although I felt I did pretty good, I felt I wasted so much time. Coming back from the MWR trip and being spent is no excuse to play games. I should seek my comfort and strength not in games but in God. Slowly, as I try to let Christ have more and more of me, I can eventually say that it is “no longer I, but Christ” who lives in me.

And also, the ring from God arrived yesterday!!! I’m going to record that special moment when I’m ready. Hopefully it will be soon.

聖靈降下恩雨

1. 聖靈降下恩雨    潔淨醫治我

我需要你    我需要你    你來充滿我

2. 聖靈因你的愛    我願意順服

我好愛你     我好愛你      愛你的同在

(副)

充滿我     充滿我      用那溫柔的愛光照我

充滿我     來充滿我      時刻都充滿我

 

Holy Spirit Rain Down

1/1/2011: The Life that Wins

1/1/2011: The Life that Wins

S: 7:30pm

E: 8:20pm

“Do you know the life that wins? Are you ashamed of the kind of Christian life you live? Have you failed so terribly in your striving for victory that you cry out, ‘Wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me…?’ (Rom. 7:34)” (Translator’s preface to Watchman Nee’s The Life that Wins).

Right now, I feel bad about myself. I spent the first day of the new year, mostly on my desires and the things of the flesh, which is computer games. I tried to fight, and yes, in the morning, I managed to have a long walk with God, but it all went downhill from there. Why? Why is it so difficult for me to pray and to focus on God? When I sit down on my seat in front of the computer, thoughts to do evil came. I just can’t sit and pray. It’s so hard. Many times, I have to go outside, like taking a walk, for me to focus on God. When I sit in front of my computer, temptation comes. I want to do other things instead of spending time on God. I get distracted and that is not good.

I’m still fighting, still struggling to have self-control, to live by the Spirit. Yesterday evening, I spend two hours designing a map with properties for TripleA, a map of my spiritual life. I downloaded a map maker and utilities, but, I always get sidetracked to playing TripleA games instead. In my intuition, I knew that making that map would be wonderful. It can help me map out my spiritual battle and I think it can also provide a guide for other people too. When I want to make maps, the difficulty of making it channels me to play games instead. Yes, “wretched man I am! Who shall deliver me?” I am still not only trying to be saved from sins, but I’m also trying to be saved from this world.

And also, to settle this nagging thought, from the world’s standards, I know I suck. But, it doesn’t matter if I suck, what matters is whether I follow and love God or not. People can make fun of me, point at me, and shame me, but, I will still try to do God’s will for my life. I see people in this world who are so powerful, so good, so high, so etc, that my first tendency is to admire and learn to become like them. But no! I must not! I need to become great in the eyes of God, not in the eyes of men.

The thing is, I’m also afraid to be great. My whole life, I have never been popular, admired, or great. When attention comes to me, my natural instinct is to hide and go back to the shadows. My fear of being great needs to change too. I need to follow God, whether I become great or not. I find that with God, I tend to be more perfect, more courageous, more strong, have more joy, have a clearer mind, and of course, I write better. Right now, I’m not writing very well because I am not as close to God as I should be. I am turning to other idols instead of turning to God. That is why I’m feeling a disconnect; that is why I’m not as smart, clear, strong, courageous, happy (lasting happiness) now. I’m only strong with God. I’m only strong when God makes me strong and God makes me strong because I love and follow Him. I will become like the real Steven, like in Narnia, but now, due to sin and imperfection, the good Steven that you see is only a trace of what it could be.

“I see,” [Lucy] said. “This is still Narnia, and more real and more beautiful than the Narnia down below, just as it was more real and more beautiful than the Narnia outside the stable door! I see… world within world, Narnia within Narnia….”

 

A TripleA WW2 game. I have been playing different maps and variations like these for a few weeks now, but although it was fun and challenging in the beginning, I overplayed and abused it so that it became enslaving. If I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, I would have done better.

23 June 2010

[written diary]

23 June 2010

S: 11:02pm

E:

Right now, I’m on guard duty and, as always, I’m very tired. I don’t understand why I’m so tired. Maybe it’s because of my low iron level. I’m going to the TMC to ask for iron supplements, yellow fever shot, and new glasses.

Wow, I, or we, discussed a lot of things while on guard duty. Man, I just want to write my main thoughts out. I hate this fucked up world. Maybe that’s one reason I’m seriously thinking about becoming a street preacher. Well, what am I going to preach about? How am I going to preach? I will simply trust in God to provide. I am willing to suffer the shame, pain, suffering, abuse, etc to spread the gospel. I may not know the answers, but I know God; I know Him who provides the answers.

Again, I hate this world. I hate its lust, its sin, its pleasures (esp. sex). It’s hurting innocent people, especaly children: God’s law is written to give us happiness, but man has decided to go his own way.

The many movies I watching now all teaches sin. The one thing they focus on is profits. They worship money, not God. I think one criteria to ask for any movies or media is what do they worship? The movie my battle buddies are watching now, and praise God I forgot the name, are filled with sex secenes. It’s filled with humor, sex, and other worldly values. Why are worldly values bad? It angers me to eve have to answer this question. It’s bad because you know it’s bad. Deep inside each of us, we know, thanks to our conscience, that it’s bad.

Funnyness doesn’t give any reason to do anything. Funnyness actually pleases the flesh, thus, it leads many people, unknownly, to sin. Why are so many things that are funny evil in nature?

And of course I am resisting the desires of my sinful flesh. I hate this world. I hate what this world is teaching its inhabientents. I don’t care if I get beat up or if I stutter. I will preach open-air. If I’m defeated, I take solace in the fact that I did.

Of course I have my dreams and wants, but I must must please God first. I want a girlfriend but God’s work must be done first. He knows it all.

Wow, I’m so tired. Whew. If only I have the strength to write freely, but then, If I do, I might just play computer games. So pitful am I! I must stop playing games. I have a lot of writing and catching up to do on Facebook.

Life is not about entertaining men, but angels :) .

I shouldn’t have played Bang! after church. I should have formed a group about how to reach people on the streets, and if nobody wants to or seems interested, to do it myself.

13 Nov. 2009: Computer games + 2012

13 Nov. 2009: Computer games + 2012

I have to admit.. What I am writing on facebook is starting to scare me a little, especially the part on finding a girlfriend. It’s just too sensitive for comfort.

Wow, I really hate myself for playing games. It is such a waste of time. What do I gain? I can win thousands of battles in Mount and Blade and yet, gain really nothing. What profits for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? That’s how I feel. Victories in games do not translate to victories in life. No, it is rather a defeat. I get more ensnared into it. What got me to really stop playing Mount and Blade and to reconsider what I’m doing are defeats, and flaws. I really hate that it takes forever to fight an enemy when he is mounted, and the stupid computer lag. It’s too slow for first-person games. So it is really defeats that brought me victories, praise God! I’m not falling into a yoke of slavery again.
Today, I’m going to watch 2012. Yes, I’m actually going to watch a movie!! The last time I personally decided to watch a movie was when my church decided to watch Evan Almighty. That was a long time ago. I’m fascinated in the end of the world. I used to read articles about it and how to survive. I used to secretly stockpile food and other supplies in my closet just in case. I would do more, but back then, I really can’t do much in my capacity. The reason why I don’t invest in TSP (thrift savings plan), a military retirement fund, or any other retirement funds is because I won’t grow old enough to use it; Jesus will come back before I use it (I raised this objection during the in-processing brief). I believe we are living in the end-times. Look at the prophecies in the Bible and how they are either completed or becoming true and you will understand. And yet, I joined the Army. Go figure.

Okay, I think that’s enough for today. There are so many other things to do besides playing games, such as, learning Chinese, studying for college, worshiping God, etc. To me, playing computer games is like a drug, just like tobacco and alcohol are drugs. It just makes you feel good. Well, maybe closer to alcohol than tobacco since a little bit of games might help you, but godliness has value in all things.