11/2/2016: My Date with God

Footnote (11/15/2016): I’ve second thoughts about posting this but this is a project and if I don’t I will lose momentum. This shows that we are all sinners and that we all need forgiveness. What matters is not how much you sin but whether you return to God and repent.

[delayed posting on facebook]

11/2/2016: My Date with God

12:05am – 12:44am
Opening: Father, I’ve sinned against You. I have sinned against you. Forgive me O God, for your mercy is very great. You gave me abilities; you gave me talents, you gave me gifts, you gave me wonders, you gave me friends, thank you Father. For you are good and everything about You is good. Jesus, today is going to be a very short session, forgive me God, because it’s so late. God, you the sins of my heart. Surely the heart is deceitful above all things. Surely [she] is right in saying that the heart is deceitful. God, I almost made today a holy day, it was so close. Why Lord, does it have to be an all-or-nothing day? Forgive me God, for I live to please You. I will try again when I wake up O God, for your mercies are new everyday. Your grace is new everyday. Thank you so much for what you have done for me. Thank you so much for what you have done in my life.

God, I ask that you forgive me and wipe away my sins. Just as you will wipe away every tear from people’s eyes, every sorrow, every depression, every bondage, every sufferings, every tribulations. God, forgive me. I repent. I will follow You and seek You. Surely the heart is deceitful.

God, I was thinking about playing a song, a melody, because it’s my tradition or maybe a habit, or maybe because a part of me still wants to worship You, but how can I play music when I just sinned against You? Surely sin not only keeps people away from You, it also limits the worship that people may give You.

[Speaking in tongues]

God, I thank You that I have the ability to speak in tongues. I thank You that you gave me the ability to support and to help people. That’s my specialty. Through helping others, my soul, myself becomes stronger. I become strong through service. Thank You God, and help me to serve You. With You, there is a never-ending amount of service. You are worthy of all the praise. You are worthy of all the honor; you are worthy of everything. Everything good. I can always pray. I can always fast. I can always seek You. I can always talk to You. I can always sing to You. I can always pray and intercede for others. Thank you God.

Father You know, there was time when, in my pride perhaps, I thought to myself in the military that I am the only one that seeks You; that I am the only one that follows and loves You. God, now I know that I’m not the only one that gives praise, that I’m not the only one that loves You. That, in fact, my church, many people, surpass me in devotion to You. Surely the heart is deceitful. Surely I am like an unpredictable wave, tossing and turning, an unpredictable ship.

God, help me to spend time with You. Help me to love You. Why do I wait for the last minute, past the last minute to worship You, to spend time with You. Why do I give you my lastfruits and not my firstfruits? Not all of it.

Jesus, you are holy God, and Your ways are holy. Your ways are righteous. Father, forgive me, and wipe away my stains. Wipe away my fears. Wipe away my sorrows, my depression, my sadness. Thank you God. Help us O Lord, for we need You. I lack the ability to actively evangelize and I think the reason is my unpredictability. God, help me to serve You and to love You. Help me to draw closer to You. My times are in Your hands. My days are written in your scroll. God, may this be a ritual, and may this ritual not disappear. Thank you Jesus. Free me from my addictions, from my sins and lead me in the way everlasting….

Why is it that man only seeks You when they have to? Surely You give them happiness; you give them joy, you give them provision, and they forget about You, they sin against You. No wonder perhaps I am stuck in where I am. You want to bless me, but when You do, I forget You. Forgive me O God. I recognize my sin. I recognize my downfall. Do not take my blessings away. Do not take my lamp away. Forgive me O God, and give me another chance. Please Jesus. Give me another chance. I am sorry.

… [not transcribed] Telling me that You are all I need.

Lord, I remember transcribing for my church and maybe that is how I’m transcribing my personal experiences with You. You are holy and you are righteous. There is no one besides You. Give me another chance O God, for I am trying, I am trying. I recognize my sin, I recognize my downfall. Help me to shift my body away from lust, away from wants, to needing You. Take away my pride O God. I have nothing to be prideful about, but rather, I have almost everything to be shameful about. Seeking You should be the normal condition, the normal state. I could seek You more; I could love You more, but I failed. But God, You are the One that I will always seek and help me to give more of You and less of me, help me to eventually do that, until it’s all for You and none of me or for me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

[continues but will end transcribing]

Help me to know You more Jesus; Help me to know You more O God. Your love is enduring / Like a ring of solid gold / like a vow that is tested / like a covenant of old.

Activity: Music video / Singing: Ever Be- Bethel

If I fall even though I seek You, how much more do other people who don’t seek You. Forgive us O God. Maybe not so much. I meant maybe other people may be more righteous than me. Because God, you gave me grace. That’s why, that’s how I can seek You. I sin more than those people who don’t seek You.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God.

[May continue but without transcribing]

8/8-9/2013: Let It Go

8/8-9/2013: Let It Go

S: 11:42pm
E: 12:31am

I have so much to write, I have so little to write. I don’t know what to write about. Life right now feels surreal. I am now alone all the time. I try. I try so hard to be with people, to love God, to do and be my version of the Spiritual Man according to Watchman Nee. However, I try, even with God, and failed. Anna told me something that cheered and gave me hope. She told me to stop trying. “In other words,” Anna wrote, “stop fighting, let GOD FIGHT FOR YOU.” Later, she texted, “Steven.. Just let go.” I replied, “Ok, I will try to let go and just depend on God. thanks.” Maybe the key to victory and success is not really to try, because man is weak, but to “just let go” and let God take over. I knew that concept before and I applied it in the Army. Somehow, I forgot. The Bible has many instances where God just told Israel to stand and watch. He will do the battle for them. But, there are other instances where man tried and, due to their efforts, they won. I’m thinking of Jonathan’s courageous charge that changed the tide of a battle. There are times when all the Israelites were asked are to sing, or to just take up battle positions, or to just stay and watch and let God do the fighting.

At least I’m putting some of my time into good use. Yesterday, I renewed my Texas Vehicle Inspection sticker, and studied the THEA (Texas Higher Education Assessment) because I’m thinking of becoming a teacher. I also took advantage of the Valore Books offer of buy or rent three books and get the fourth for free. I went to the UTEP bookstore website and found I only needed three books. So, I choose the fourth book of my choice. I chose the ASWB Bachelor’s Study Guide so I can get a head-start on preparing for the social work examination. It is the test that matters. I was going to get a book on military strategy or an introductory updated book on Social Work but I reasoned that, for the military strategy, I already have a book about it, and knowledge concerning Social Work tends to be updated frequently. If I buy the introductory book, it may be obsolete in a decade.

Today, my main mission is to spend time with God and to organize. I did more organizing than God. I cleared my old mail and receipts. I put things back where they belonged. I placed my old schoolwork from my summer classes into archives and got ready, at least on paper, for the Fall semester. A remarkable thing is I did all of them without really trying. I wanted to do them so I just did them. Granted, I also played a lot of games on the side but I feel it is a big improvement than me trying to get things done. Hmm, I remember the song by Rascal Flatts “When you change the way you look at things / the things you look at change.” I wanted to worship God and to clean my life up so I did it without really trying. My divisions (army) are tired and weak. They cannot try anymore. I already exhausted its strength. Oh and I glued my car side-mirror back on.

Tomorrow, I may further organize my room and go to McDonalds to study the THEA. I want to do that. I want to go to McDonalds so I can study and be with people and enjoy the food. Ever since McDonalds have the $1 McDouble promotion, I realized that the restaurant has a dollar menu! I can buy any burger and drink for only $1, plus tax. Compared to buying my own burger patties, which at Albersons cost $1 for 1 when it’s on sale, it is a good deal. I not only get the patty but the bun, the vegetable, the condiments, and it’s already cooked and prepared for $1. McDonalds might be my new military DFAC (dining facility). And they got Wi-Fi, too, and I haven’t tried it yet. And it’s convenient, only a short drive from my flat. I could walk, like I did to Don Haskins Center for Danny’s graduation, but I’m lazy. Well, maybe I should walk. I could use the PT (physical exercise).

Danny and Shawna’s family has been calling me regularly but I always had my phone on silent. Well, they stopped calling me today, but still. I told myself that if I am going to give up, I will at least walk up to them and give them a chance. I think they are one of the families that love me. My mail goes to their place although not anymore. I changed everything to be sent to my residence address now. I know my landlord told me before that it could be dangerous to send mail here because people in my area may steal them but I, after much bitter thinking last week, decided that the alternative is better. Back then, I want to avoid them. I don’t want to walk up to the front door and see them just so I can get my mail. I already did my best with God and I failed. Why should I be with people again? Why should I try again? I’m just going to fail again, I reasoned.

Danny probably would have never thought I would leave. Before, I wanted to help him on his college applications. But when I had the time and was available, Danny told me he’s busy, that he has to “work.” I wondered to myself if their family is too busy to prepare Danny for college, then they are probably busy at the wrong things. I still want to help him; I still want to help everyone, including my church. But, I can’t go back, not yet. It is too painful. Failing or failure especially when I gave me weak little all with God is too traumatizing. I will continue to follow Anna’s advice to “Just let go” and let God “FIGHT FOR YOU.”

Speaking of Anna, I texted her yesterday that either I or her can call each other in the afternoon and I should have called her. I thought the advice she gave me is enough. Well, it probably is, but one thing I learned in the Army is to communicate and understand, even if the communication is weak, because it is better than nothing. With nothing, someone can come and influence things and make it much harder for me. I’ll try to call her again today (its past midnight). I don’t care if I can’t perform at 100% or even 50% of my best. As long as I have a lifeline with her, that is what matters.

PS: And to give a more complete picture (since I feel I am being more split-minded than before), what if I don’t want to talk to her? What if I don’t feel like talking to her when the time comes? Should I still talk to her? Should I *try* to talk to her? Well, a promise, if I told her I will call, is a promise, so regardless of how I feel, I should still call her. It’s like I may not feel like going to class but I have to so I do the best I can to make adjustments and do it. Actually, it’s not really a promise. I made that sentence to her a question mark. I might call her or she might call me. I can’t make promises anymore. I told myself that. Look at all the promises I made to God. “My best resolves I only break.” My credit rating (spiritually) is too low for me to make any more promises. When I talk to God, I no longer make any promises, except for emergencies. Instead, I tell Him that I will try or for Him to change me and/or make me do what I said.

8/1/2013: My Story with God

8/1/2013: My Story with God

S: 12:42am
E: 2:12am

I haven’t written a blog in a long time. Today, I decided to read a few of my “subscriptions” which includes, cutefully, “Little Notes,” “Little Reflections,” and “The Trees will Clap.” I named my blog “Little Dream” because that is the original name for this blog. I have a dream, a little dream for this world.

I need to go to sleep. Tomorrow is the last day of class! I did not do my best in the class because I’m depressed, but I did fight every battle. I told myself that I don’t care if my work is horrible, what matters is I’m going to give every required assignment a try.

What I want to write is why I’m not going to church anymore. It pains me. I love my church, I love God, I love my youth group, but I have at least three reasons why I’m going to go home.

First, and in no particular order, if I cannot love my church fully, I would rather not love them at all. I know that if I love them fully, I will be rejected, or so my intelligence says. Being able to love them only a little bit, having limits to my love would induce suffering for me. I have like a “all-or-nothing” or “go big or go home” mentality. When I was still going to church, I had great plans. I want to eat with my youth group, talk to them, share with them, but I wasn’t able to. They were not receptive. It hurts me that I can only do so little. If I cannot reach my full potential, I would rather go somewhere else where I can. I know recently, my youth group is having weekly fellowship but I feel, through the pain, that starting it now is too late.

Second, I did my “best with God and failed.” It’s one thing to do my best and fail. I can just talk to God for forgiveness and strength. It’s another to do my best while asking God and still fail. I feel horrible. I feel betrayed. I feel my current life is just too hard. Going to church, trying, makes my life harder. I would rather stay home and love God privately. I think of the song “Good-bye” sung by Emily Bond and it conveys how I feel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYWGYuypozU). Lord, I’ve been travelling for so long and seems like I’m always saying so long so long. My life before the Army was hard. Army life was hard. Post-army life is hard. I’m only able to be alive thanks to God but continuing on the fight is just so hard. Unlike most people, I am different. I suck in this world. I don’t want to go into the details of why. You can read my other blogs for that. :) But I try, sometimes I do my best to rectify my weaknesses, to little anvil. I am still weak, I still suck. But it’s okay. If life is too hard, if life is too difficult for me, I have an exit strategy.

Third, people don’t trust and love me completely. To give an example, I have been going to my church for more than two years and yet, despite my effort to love, I still feel like not everyone there loves me. Ok, I know not everyone has to love me, but I feel that people there could love me more. I feel they only love me because of what I can contribute. I do the church powerpoint and sometimes I wash dishes. They only love me because of that. And, they love selectively. There are church members who just don’t talk to me and, to me, seem like they are avoiding me. Yet, when I stopped going, then they start to text me or act concerned. I find it kind of funny at this hypocritical behavior. When I was with them, they normally don’t talk to me, but when I am gone, all of sudden, they miss me. Why don’t they talk to me when I was with them? I feel I am at least half-right to say that they only care about money. If I have money, then I would be courted. I know that people there will treat me differently. I am at least half-right because America is a capitalist society. Rights and freedoms, if they are given out, are doled to those in the upper socio-economic classes first. One reason why my dad is so critical of going to church is because of this reason. “Money cannot buy everything” but I feel like, with wisdom, money could buy everything. Heck, in the Bible, we can use our wealth to gain treasures in heaven (Luke 16:9). So, I’m not going to church again until my annual income is at least $40,000. $50,000 would be better. Then people will respect me. Then people will love me. If I can’t reach it without the former, then I’ll leave this world because life will be too hard. [added later] And to add, I my church cannot help me completely. If I were to tell them all my issues and problems, they would probably reject me. They won’t be able to help me. I know this based on my experience with my church. I remember a time when a homeless woman came to our church. She lugged around a small red wagon with her “stuff” which are in suitcases. I chose to love her and to welcome her because I felt that is the right thing to do and I have a heart of love. During lunch that week, I did not sit with my youth group nor with church adults, but I sat with her and listened. I was the only one who sat next her. This is the kind of unconditional love I want from people. I remember Marisa and how she would greet and love people who are new. Unforuntantly, my love was not perfect. Part of me wished I didn’t get so involved with her because I saw her as a burden. Luckily, that week was my last week before going to LA to visit my dad. I told her that and said she will see me again in two months if she comes back to our church.

Some people may read this and call me “weak.” But, I challenge you that if you were in my shoes and if you were to experience what I have to endure, most will have probably given up long ago. In basic training, I was telling a soldier in public about very special problems and he told me to curse God. “[Your] Life sucks,” he said, “Why are you even being with God?” He told me he wouldn’t live my life. I have to concede though. I am not as strong as those people who live on the streets. If I have to live on the streets, if I have to endure those conditions, then I would rather die. Life would be pain and hell. When I pass by them begging on the streets I think about their inner strength. What gives them strength? How do they endure this? Why don’t they just die and be at peace? God will be the judge.

So these days, I am relaxing and doing what I want. I am trying to do what makes me happy. I am playing computer games and fulfilling my desires. But, I know it is second-rate. However, it is the best way that I can think of. I don’t want to try in something that will bring me pain. I don’t want to try in something that I can’t succeed in. I want to succeed in that. I want to be with my church but I can’t and therefore don’t want to because I already tried my best with God and failed. If I cannot be completely loving and caring, then I will be completely aloof. I will be distant and business-like. Because to be in the middle will bring me pain.

So, I am still going to continue in my Social Work program because I already made that choice. Whether I succeed or not, I don’t care. I’m just going to do my best because that is a battle I have to fight. If my best is not enough, then I have other plans.

I remember that many times, in the Army, I have come this point before, many times. But every time I’ve been here, God always finds a way to help me. I’m thinking this time, it may be different. But, it may not. I was going to give a testimony to my church and my introduction starts with this: “I told myself in the Army that I just want two things from God. For God to keep me alive and that I can always talk to Him anytime peacefully because I figured that if I can just talk to God, then I can have everything.” Maybe Satan won. Like in the Book of Adam and Eve, Satan buried the two figs that God gave them. Yet, God made changed those two figs into two fig trees. I am a child of Seth and even though, sadly, almost all of them went down to sin with the sons of Cain, I will still do my best to love God. It’s a tragedy. When they left the holy mountain to the sons of Cain, they could not go back up again. I wondered to myself what could they do to be saved? I am like one of them, a child of Seth, who went down to sin and darkness. But, instead of continuing in my sin like what the children of Seth did, I will separate myself from them and try to find others like me who want to seek God’s mercy again. Perhaps He will spare those children and maybe the Flood would not have happened.

It’s too late now, it’s too painful, I’ve tried (I think with God) and failed. I don’t want to go to church anymore until I have money because if I do, then people will respect and love me. I know this world is messed up. I can see it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it. Well, the only thing I think I can do, and the most important thing any Christian can do, is to pray. My whole life has been a failure and a story of God’s mercy on me. But it is too painful. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to say good-bye because I have been travelling for so long. To survive, I’m going to go back to my natural self, before the Army. I’m going to be super introverted and just seek God alone. I’m going to have a cold, distant shell to people because it will be too painful otherwise. I find joy in singing. I love to sing. I’m glad I have more than a thousand Christian songs in English, Chinese, and Spanish and when I sing those songs, I find joy, I find happiness, I find hope. So when I feel alone, I would sing. It’s too painful to go back, it’s too painful to try again. Partly it’s my fault and partly it’s their fault.

But I will try to continue to write my discoveries. I did that before the Army, too. My story will always be my “story with God.”

6/25/2013: A lesson from my Mistake

6/25/2013: A lesson from my Mistake

S: 12:04am
E: 12:55am

Time is very short. In fact, I’m already overtime. For the record, this discovery will be for myself so it won’t interfere with my truthful writing.

To many of the youth members from my church, today (I mean yesterday), is a good day. They had BBQ, we got to socialize, and we watched Despicable Me. But for me, it is a horrible day because I didn’t follow God completely and it hurts to see my Christian brothers and sisters so into the world.

The best way; the perfect way, is to follow God completely. Everything else sucks. The pleasures this world gives suck. Yet, throughout the night, not one of the youths played Christian music, the music of eternal life and eternal value. All the music they played is “feel good” music. Feel good to what? Feel good to our human natures. Why is that bad? Because it is tainted by sin from the beginning. And we must be completely without sin to be with God. I know we can always ask for forgiveness and, depending on our hearts, He will forgive, but what is wrong is that I didn’t do my best. I should not worry that I might be kicked out or become a “party spoiler.” When the youths were watching Despicable Me, I should have closed my eyes and prayed silently. The movie doesn’t have any value because it doesn’t glorify God. Sure it’s funny, but Satan uses humor to change us to be evil.

I’m not really depressed by what they are doing, but by my inaction of it. I wasn’t courageous enough. I wasn’t watching with spiritual eyes enough. I wasn’t close to God enough. I’m also upset at myself because I didn’t pray for the youths or for the world enough. Not as much as I could.

And I made mistakes. People may be less forgiving but I’m glad God is more forgiving. I learned today though the Spirit that nothing else in this world matters. I should change myself again. I mean not really change but become, really become the person God wants me to be. I took the first step, by sharing my weaknesses and trying to be myself but I think it’s time I take the next one. I need to follow the fruits of the Spirit.

These youths.. they only (or so it seems) want what God gives them; they only want the blessings yet they don’t want the work that comes. They are more enthralled by the world than in God. They are basing their industries in the wrong thing. True, sometimes actually many times my old nature surfaces up like Paul, but what matters is that I vehemently try to follow God because I know deep inside that He is the only Thing that is worth it. Claire is different. She tries to follow God and ask questions. Anna too, but I feel she is half-world and half-God. She loves God but she also loves the world (the pleasures of the world, not people in the world).

Let these youths or other people judge me. My true purpose is the follow God. If I make mistakes trying to follow God then that’s okay. I just don’t want to make mistakes while not following God.

Because of this, maybe being with people is not such a good thing. Maybe I do have a point in saying I want to be alone and just talk to God. I be with people and I get overwhelmed by their lack of spiritual growth and their worldliness. I like how Uncle Allan said in church last Sunday. He said even though ex-President Bush made tons of mistakes, as long as he said he’s a Christian and tries to follow God, that’s okay. But President Obama is not sure of his spirituality. Allan and me doesn’t know where he stands. Does he follow God? Is he a Christian?

So, I want to change myself again. I want to be more meek, to be more humble, to have more peace, to be more patient. If things seem to be in a rush, I will slow down and not act rashly. God is in control and what is for us is greater than what is against us. If I’m driving in the car with Danny and Shawna and there is just silence because there is nothing good to say than I will just remain silent. Saying something just to break the silence is bad. God is the judge and everything I try to do is in accordance with the Bible. I will still love them. I need to be more self-controlled.

Sometimes I remember praying that I can have a “hot-line” to God. I tend to perform better spiritually at night. During the night, I feel I can talk to God much easier. The connection is stronger. I wish every day I can talk to God like I talk to a walkie-talkie.

If people question me and ask “Steven, what are you doing?” or “Why are you behaving like this?” I will tell them that I “want to be the person God wants me to be.” If they ask “How do you know what God wants you to be?” I will answer “Through his Word and though his Spirit that he gave me.”

Sometimes I wish bad things can happen to my youth members not to destroy them, but to build them up. After all, bad things happened to me in the Army and it helped me to grow.

I know by writing this and behaving like this I may lose many friends from church. But, if they love God, I’ll see them in heaven and we can be friends again.

I think what is the main difference between members of my youth group and me is not I have more wisdom or I behave better (or the other way around) or any other thing but simply because I try to follow God [more]. And the amount of our effort determines [the speed of] our spiritual growth. Course I mess up, course I get angry, and make mistakes, but as long as I try to follow the Lord, my stock in the stock market will be in an upward trend. Volatility doesn’t matter.

I want to try to do more in evangelism. I want to try to answer at least one spiritual or personal issue question from Yahoo! Answers once a day. I used to do that before but I stopped. It doesn’t matter if I will get less “best answers” or my percentage will go down. What matters is that I try to please God. If I suck in trying then oh well, I’ll try harder. I will either finish the race or die trying. I think that is what every Christian is supposed to do. Then we will have eternal life.


3/28/2013: Daily Happenings: New Way to Foster Learning and My Experience in Donating Blood

3/28/2013: Daily Happenings: New Way to Foster Learning and My Experience in Donating Blood

S: 8:41pm
E: 9:34pm

Today I found a new way to foster learning differing opinions in groups. During class in Social Work, my professor had our class stand in the middle of the classroom. Then, she asks a question and if we agree, we move to the left side and if we disagree we move to the right side. For example, one of the difficult questions she asked is “Your parent is 85 years-old in the hospital with a coma on life support for the last several years. What would you do? If you choose to have your parent off life-support, move to the right, if you decide to keep your parent on life support, move to the left.” It’s kind of interesting because everyone varies. On some questions, almost the entire class chooses a position while, other times, the class is split. The instructor then picks students by number (we were given numbers before the activity) and have him or her explain why he or she chooses the position. Maybe I can do this for my youth group. It’s fun, interactive, organized, and encourages thinking.

Yesterday, I saw a blood donor truck in UTEP but I was too tired to give. I told myself that I will give myself a good night’s sleep and donate tomorrow. So today, I “saved a life.” I don’t know why a lot of organizations equate donating blood as “saving a life.” A doctor saves lives every day and it takes a lot of people, probably a village, to save one life. By donating blood, we help or increase the chances of someone living but we don’t really “save a life.” Like the classroom debate I just had, I was debating whether blood transfusions are really necessary.

In my ethics class the previous semester, my professor covered a topic on blood transfusions. Some religions, like Jehovah’s Witnesses, don’t allow its members to have blood transfusions. Partly because of that, new technologies developed. Beaumont Army Medical Center, for example, has a blood reclamation machine which, during a surgery, can recycle the patient’s blood back into the bloodstream. The video also showed a study comparing American and European hospitals and the amount of blood they used during surgeries. They found that in hospitals that limit the amount of blood given, the patients there actually recover faster and with fewer complications. Why? Part of the reason I heard is when the patient receives blood, it depresses his or her immune system. Due to a weakened immune system, the patient is then more prone to sickness. The hospitals that use the most blood tend to have the worse recovery rates. The narrator asked the viewer a question: Are we using blood unnecessarily? In other words, many hospitals might actually be wasting blood. Blood should not be the preferred method because most of it has to come from willing donors (limited supply), has a short self-life (3 months), and causes complications. The medical approach advocated in the documentary suggests hospitals to focus on minimizing blood loss and enhancing the patient’s ability to produce its own blood.

Despite these arguments, which I thought the United States is wasting blood, I decided to donate. Even in an ideal situation, where the focus is on minimizing blood, there will still be a need for outside blood. If everyone thinks like me, then no one will give blood. And I don’t want to hurt someone because of a nation’s mistakes.

It’s ironic that despite me donating blood numerous times, the staff there still ask me “Is this your first time?” Every time I choose to donate blood, I always get nervous no matter what my experience. I’m afraid they would reject me because of the fact that I breathe too much or my blood pressure is not right or misc. I know that if I were to act honestly, they probably would be very concerned. And I’m also a bit afraid of needles. I remember in the Army when I donate blood, I still get nervous that I might get rejected. I have a minor breathing problem and I’m afraid these observant nurses can see it.

And, I almost didn’t make it. When the nurse (I think she’s a nurse) checked my blood iron level the first time, it was 11.4 (about). The minimum requirement is 12.5. She asked if I want to do a recheck. I said yes. I changed my hand (not the hand that underwent three blood pressure tests b/c the machine couldn’t detect my pressure) and my iron level in that hand is 13.4. Yes! I passed that one. Next, of course I feel tired but I try not to show it. Me trying to save energy by closing my eyes and taking deep breaths can be seen as a sign that I’m unfit to donate. Oh yeah, she also asked “When is the last time you ate meat?” To optimize my finances and maintain health, I reshifted my protein intake from meats to beans and diary. So, I told her about two days ago (it is actually four days ago, on Sunday, but I wasn’t given much time to think on the question). I added that I don’t eat meat every day. But, I told her I take a multi-supplement almost daily. That should be enough for iron, right? So.. I’m a veteran in donating blood but, at the same time, I’m not a veteran; I’m a recruit. There are times in life that no matter how much practice and experience we have, we still feel like newbies.

In the interview the nurse asked me “What is your blood type?”

I told her “A positive.” and I added “It is the best blood type.”

She chuckled. I hope my blood type means I can do well in this semester. : )

9/20/2012: My Grieving Process

9/20/2012: My Grieving Process

{S: 10:05am}  I’m still in the grieving process because of my perceived developments at my church.  After some reflection and thought, I’ve decided that, most likely, I will still go to church.  However, I’m going to church not as brothers and sisters but as a mission field.  I’m going to church not to receive love and support but to give love and to give support.

I’m still going to make copies of Christian music CD’s for my church so they can listen to.  I’m still going to make 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams) DVD’s and PPT for the parents.  I’m still going to be a social worker and try to talk to everyone at church to listen and give support.  It’s okay if no one loves me.  No one can love perfectly but God anyways.

As for choir, I’m not sure if I can wake up at 8am every morning so I can prepare and be at church at 9.  I remember about a year ago, while I was still in the Army, I decided to join the church choir.  I love to sing so I figured it would be nice for me.  However, I hate the 9am singing schedule.  Life was hard back then and I relish my weekends.  Although I try to sleep earlier, and I do sleep earlier than most soldiers, sometimes I still go to sleep at around 1 or 2am.  Many times when that happens, I told myself that I’m not going to make it to choir.  For me to make it to choir, I need to sleep at around 11pm.  So, I forgot who started it, but Faith agreed to be my alarm clock.  Every Sunday at 8am, she would call me to make sure I’m awake.  Just like being in the Army, right?  At first, I would see her callings as discipline but after several weeks, it starts to get annoying.  When I wake up in the middle of the night, many times, I have trouble sleeping again because I don’t know when Faith might call.  It’s scary.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  Initially, it was agreed that 7:30am would be (or 7??) my wake-up time, but because of this, I told her to move it up to 8am.  And I still have trouble getting up.  She told me how is this becoming of a soldier? I told her, as I wrote earlier, that life is hard and I don’t want to be a soldier on the weekends.

So, if I could get up at 8am to go to church at 9 back in the Army, what makes me think I won’t make it to choir at 9 out of the Army?  I really have no excuse this time.  And no, I’m not going to tell Faith to call me again.  I have my alarm clock for that.  So, I probably should still go to choir.  Ok ok, I have to prepare to go to my ethics and my math class soon so I will cut this short.  I don’t know if I should go to choir because, honestly, although I love to sing, I only tend to sing songs that speak to my heart and I prefer to sing by myself.  That gives singing meaning.  Wow, I have become very introverted.  This is not good.  While in the Army, my personality was much more balanced.  For the introversion-extroversion of the Myer-Brigg’s scale, it was close to the middle.  I guess once the pressure is off, any person becomes what he or she naturally is.

I think it might be a good idea for anyone to try to be neutral in any scale with a minor preference towards what is natural for that person because he or she will then be able to enjoy both worlds.  {11:09am}

9/18/2012: Even when it hurts

9/18/2012: Even when it hurts

{S: 7:54pm} It is getting late now because I need to sleep early so I have energy for class tomorrow but there is no one I can talk to so I’m going to write on my discovery.

I’m going to go free-fire mode so if something I write doesn’t make sense, with God, it’ll make sense in the end.  This journal is more about my thoughts, feelings, and reflections, than for other people’s judgments.

I feel as a Christian, and as I grow older, I learn more and more about people.  I learned that people are naturally selfish, mean, and they care only for themselves.  That is the ethical theory of egoism.  But God transcends all theories.  With God, we become a new person; a new creation.  In theory, at least, is what it should happen.  But I find, or least with my poor intelligence, that those who love God and love people unconditionally are very few.

I wanted to talk to someone about some issues I’m having and I need some help. Hey, everybody needs help sometimes.  I don’t want to give any names but I want to talk this to this girl, she has a Christian background and can understand my problems.  But, my intelligence (sensing) tells me that that person will most likely refuse.  The chances are deportable.  My English professor told me “If you have to think about it, she’s not the one.”  Haha.  Likewise, if I have to think whether that person or this person will accept my offer, he or she probably won’t accept it.  Is it a right analogy?  I don’t think so; I can tell it’s different, but I’ll use it because in this sad world, it seems to be correct.  Then I told myself, “If you have a million dollars, you can talk to her.  Well, what if I have it not on earth but in heaven?  : )  Sadly, that is too high; it doesn’t count for most people.

Then, if that’s the case, I don’t have anyone around my age, who I am close to, and who knows God who can help me.  Sure, I can talk to younger people, to kids about this, but I can infer that it won’t help much.  They need more experience in the world and wisdom from God.  Maybe I can talk to my pastor about this but I prefer someone similar to my age and someone whom we can be spiritual battle-buddies.

Part of it is my fault; you can blame me.  I tried to help people; to give even when it hurts, and to give even when it affects my future.  I told myself that the reason I’m giving is for God.  “Don’t thank me, thank God” I would tell them, and it’s not just money.  However, it seems all my diplomatic efforts have failed.  What do I do when diplomacy fails?  Sure, I can give and keep giving, but, I need love back.  I don’t need to receive what I get back, no, but just a little bit back.  I thought to myself, if I receive even half of what I give, man I would be so happy.  I will receive enough to continue to be productive and give.

But I think that is not what God wants us to be.  He wants us to give even if we are under a blockade; even if we receive nothing back and sometimes even hate.  I tried and I feel I got further than most.  But now, I am weary, depressed, and angry.  I’m tired of giving and not receiving.  I’m tired of trying to make diplomatic overtures and have it fail.  You know, Noah tried to make diplomatic overtures to his town and everybody about the coming flood but it fell flat on his face.  It completely failed.  I should not feel bad because if those efforts are blessed by God, it will have an effect.  But I still don’t want to try again anymore.  I don’t want to give anymore.  I’m pissed and angry at people for their lack of love.

Sometimes, I would go to the EPCC library at Rio Grande and go to the KLOVE website to find music so I can download on YouTube.  Today’s catch was really good.  I got Karl Jobe’s “Steady My Heart” song in my computer.  I love that song.  It teaches me to continue to fight “even when it hurts” and “even when it’s hard.”

This bad time is not uncommon.  Everyone will have bad and good times but it will be all bad in the end for those that don’t put their trust in God.  Like this world, I feel the world economy, and since money is everything to people in this world, the world situation is not going to improve and that it will be all bad in the end because the world as a whole did not put their trust in God.

I remember I’ve been through so many bad and dark times in my life and while I was in the Army and, as far as I can remember, the good times come only because of God.  Without Him, I wouldn’t know when the bad times will improve and indeed, it would have gotten worse to the point of death.

I cannot fight alone in life; I will be overcome.  Life is not a single-character RPG game.  We need to fight as a group, at least in twos because if one falls, “his friend can help him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10).

I prefer to be alone yes, but I still need a hotline to a close special friend whom I can talk to at any time.  Everyone, no matter how introverted they are, needs at least one special friend.

One can say, “Well, I don’t need any spiritual battle-buddy because I can always just talk to God.”  That makes sense, right?  But the problem is, with only one person, their vision, and not just physical but metaphysical, is limited. He or she will not be able to see everything and to cover all angles.  They will not know what makes them fall.

I told myself that the least I can do is just to be like a hermit and pray for everyone.  When I say pray for everyone, I mean to spend my 24-hour days just interceding for this world.  Yes, that is good, and I feel that is the least a true Christian can do.  And don’t get me wrong, it is effective.  However, if God tells that person that he needs to go to Nineveh or to do something else, that person will have to obey.

To put it short, I don’t want to be with people anymore; I don’t want to go to church anymore because I don’t feel loved enough.  I think everyone, even Christians, show conditional love.  Back as a soldier, I thought about just helping people to a certain point.  “I’m just one person,” I told myself, “so I can only do so much.”  If that person needs more help, he or she will have to go to someone else.  But then, I thought about God and how He loves and helps us unconditionally.  Sure, I am not God, but Jesus, who is only one man, gave his life to help the world.  I thought to myself, “You know what? If Jesus helps people unconditionally, then I must, too help a needy soldier or a person unconditionally.”  I can’t just say “I’ll give you this much” and then shut the door.  “Even when it hurts / Even when it’s hard / Even when it all just falls apart.”  And God did bless me and help me.  “In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever” (Psalms 44:8).

You know, maybe I should be a pastor; maybe I should be a chaplain assistant.  When I joined the Army in 2008, I only looked at the money; at the enlistment bonuses.  I should have chosen a career I liked instead of money.  Who knows, I would have probably still be in the Army.

So now, sadly, this is what I’m going to do.  I’m going to give my choir book back to my choir teacher.  I’m not going to help my church or anybody anymore, unless they ask for it.  I’m tired; I don’t want to give anymore.  I just want to be free from obligations and so-called obligations and just be free.  I’m still going to love my Lord and my God.  It will just be me and God.  I will not choose to be with people anymore because they don’t love me for me.  I try to love others, or at least in my heart, but I guess I’m an endangered species.  It hurts too much to live in this world; it hurts too much to live with people; so, I’m just going to live with myself and God, because He knows my name.

Or maybe I just need time to recharge myself and to grow in God more.  Then, I can come out of my shell again and be with people.  After all, we are still the body of Christ even though sometimes I wonder if the body has an autoimmune disorder.  {E:9:00pm} edited.


5/8/2011: Steven Spiritual Exchange

5/8/2011: Steven Spiritual Exchange

S: 8:14pm
E: 9:07pm

I have not been writing a lot on my blog because, well, there has been no reason for me to write. No revelation and no desire. But I feel I need to write this one.

I have not been active a lot because I did a lot of evil things; I just underwent a season of sin. That is why on April 29, I decided to start my spiritual exchange, similar to the stock exchanges of the world. I use my intuition to determine how the day went spiritually and adjust the values accordingly.

It’s hard. I’m still trying to satisfy my desires through God and not through the world. That is why today, I also made a list of “If you’s” I will share after this post.

I sin. I mess up, but God’s mercy is very great. He knows my heart and He will be my Judge.

Other less-important things I want to share. Tomorrow our battery is doing a special training. Some platoons are going scuba-diving but my platoon is going to play paintball! Woot, I’m so excited! I received the rest of my IDF uniform from my dad earlier last week but I’m apprehensive about wearing it for paintball.. When I drove back to base today from church, I was randomly selected to undergo a vehicle inspection. I was never stopped before but I had courage because God tells me to and He is in control. I turned off my car, opened up all the doors and hatches and stood aside. When I opened the back hood, I saw my car sticker that reads “Be strong and courageous” in both Hebrew and English in blue and white and I grew a bit embarrassed. I’m planning to one day post it just above the driver side door handle so I can be encouraged every time I drive and take a picture to make it my profile picture. I’m still using the wisdom from God to find the right time.

I did not go to my church last Sunday or the youth fellowship last Friday. One of my friends called me but I chose not the answer him. Sometimes I get depressed and want to give up on God because of my sins but I always turn back to Him in the end. Praise God that I always come back to Him.

Today is Mother’s Day!! I tried calling my mom yesterday and today but she did not answer. I will try every day until I can reach her. For the sermon today, my pastor, Pastor Olan, talked about the “Wife of Noble Character” which is in Proverbs 31. His intent in sharing this is not to reprimand mothers for not being like her, but as an encouragement to fathers and mothers; to be “all you can be” (kind of like an Army commercial haha).

To start, he recited “The love of a mother” written by Helen Steiner Rice

~ The Love of A Mother ~

It takes a Mother’s love
to make a house a home,
A place to be remembered,
no matter where we roam…

It takes a Mother’s patience
to bring a child up right,
And her courage and her cheerfulness
to make a dark day bright…

It takes a Mother’s thoughtfulness
to mend the heart’s deep “hurts,”
And her skill and her endurance
to mend little socks and shirts…

It takes a Mother’s kindness
to forgive us when we err,
To sympathize in trouble
and bow her head in prayer…

It takes a Mother’s wisdom
to recognize our needs
And to give us reassurance
by her loving words and deeds…

It takes a Mother’s endless faith,
her confidence and trust
To guide us through the pitfalls
of selfishness and lust…

And that is why in all this world
there could not be another
Who could fulfill God’s purpose
as completely as a Mother!

Helen Steiner Rice

One of the funny things my pastor shared is that it’s hard to be a mother. About a year and half ago, his wife went out of state. He tried doing the chores of a mother and ended up lying down exhausted! He said that mothers have to do the same things everyday! Mothers truly are a gift from God.

[from notes] The wisdom of the Proverbs begins with a command to fear the Lord (Provb 1:7) and ends with a mother with strong character, wisdom, and great compassion. God allows you to become who you are today.

Proverbs 31 may not be describing one woman but a picture of ideal motherhood. Her qualities include:

Hard work
Fear of God
Respect for husband
Planning for future
Care for others
Wisdom in handling money

Her strength and dignity does not come from accomplishments but from her reverence of God. It’s also interesting to mention that her appearance was never mentioned. Her beauty comes from her character.

After describing the characteristics of each, he ended by saying that this is the kind of wife every guy should pray for “if and when God brings her to him.”

The children choir came and sang “Blessed am I” words and music by Susan Noyes Anderson: http://www.kerbymusic.org/vocal/blessed-am-i. When the children sang, I closed my eyes and tried to remember memories of my mom.

Blessed am I

1/18/2011: Soviet Union

1/18/2011: My Hearts of Iron / Soviet Union

S: 8:55pm

E: 9:38pm

The day after I posted my “The God Card” journal entry, I went under intense spiritual attack. Temptations overwhelmed me and I felt so discouraged that I stopped trying to follow God. I barely did my basic routines and skipped meals. I slept much later than usual (due to games) so I had headaches and I always felt tired. I hate myself I thought. I am so weak. I thought if I fail to follow God, then I may  as well give up. But I don’t want to give up, so my soul deceived me into thinking I can be like the Soviet Union: big, powerful with God, but isolated (I was playing A LOT of Hearts of Iron II). I grew angry at everyone, including my church and myself. I so want, in my sinful state, to carry out my version of retribution, but I always remembered to let God be the Judge.

Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

So I started asking God to judge my church for not loving me. But, I failed too. I feel I really tried, in my current state, to try to love and connect with people. I am still able to love, praise God, because love comes from God, but connect? No. I failed to connect with people and people failed to connect with me. My church failed to connect with me, despite my efforts. And this realization made me very angry. I hate this weakness. I am always very nice and friendly to people, but I cannot grow in them. In the case of my military friends, this is true. I’m nice to everybody and everybody is nice to me. I can happily say that I have no enemies or anything close to that sort (actually, there may be one, but I still try to be nice and loving to him), but friends that I can really connect with and share with? Probably one, but although we talk a lot and know each other, we almost only talk at work. So, although I am nice and friendly to people and I try to love and help people, I can’t really connect with them. I think that is one of my life’s weaknesses. I can say that they are in the military and their beliefs about God and their devotion is different, but I just feel that I don’t want so many social interactions. Well, maybe, but I feel, now, if there is a devoted church group, I would love to interact. A friend who loves God makes the friendship so much better.

This morning at work, I felt dizzy and very tired. Praise God that we didn’t have to do PT. Praise God that I practically got the day off. But, today is a wasted day because I felt hopeless about my situation (about falling to temptations the day before) and felt not loved by my church and feeling angry about it.

Trying to think of a last meaningful action to do before I sleep (since I wasted the whole day today playing games), I opened my ring today, the ring with the inscription: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” I was going to make the event grand, but the spiritual high never came. I should not look for spiritual highs. I should not look for perfect moments. I just need to do Christ’s best to love Him and the “high” will come naturally or when God wills it.

I reinstalled and uninstalled Hearts of Iron II multiple times because I want to rededicate myself to God but then, when the desire comes (and desire gives birth to sin), I would reinstall it. This time, I wanted to reinstall the game so I can play it as the Soviet Union (Nationalist China would be second followed by Poland), the nation I felt best represents me (spiritually, of course). I feel I’m big and powerful with God (only in relative terms) because I love Him and earnestly tried to seek Him but I hardly have any spiritual support (friends). And look at the Soviet Union. After fighting on the good side (the Allies), she became the next evil empire. I need to learn that lesson and to continue to love people. I am currently making a WW2 spiritual nation test (3 weeks in the making) about what country in WW2 best represents you? I have the calculations and questions tentatively done but I’m still working on the results. It’s hard to write a masterful result for each nation (I have to use my intuition) so I’m taking it bit by bit. My result:

You got: Soviet Union

After signing the Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact with Germany and obtaining the eastern half of Poland, Germany broke the non-aggression treaty and invaded the Soviet Union. At first, things went horrible for the Soviets. Battle after battles were lost and vast areas of land was conquered. Despite massive defeats and huge casualties, the Russians fought on. They endured extreme odds, suffering, lack of equipment, and tactical mistakes. The tide turned when the Russian Winter came and Soviet industrial might (about equal to the US) began to show. Soviet generals learned from their mistakes and gradually pushed and defeated Germany.


Life is hard. You are constantly attacked by the forces of darkness, but do not give up. You are big because God made you big. He made you big because you love God. Continue to fight, endure, and the Russian Winter of hope will come and you will be victorious. The one who lives in you is greater than the one who lives in the world (1 John 4:4). However, be careful and on guard. Since you have few friends, the spiritual enemy may attack you unexpectedly, just as Germany surprised Russia. You need to find more friends to help you grow spiritually, or else, you may become less loving to people, lose the truth, and turn into an “Evil Empire” just like the Soviet Union did after the war.

I’m excited and can’t wait to publish my test.

You got Poland!

On the onset of World War 2, Poland was improving as a nation. Living standards are higher and the economy is improving. Their military, however, lagged behind. They have little to fight against German armor and most of their weapons are obsolete. Furthermore, Poland was sandwiched between two hostile nations. When Germany and the Soviet Union invaded Poland in September 1939, the Polish Army fought bravely, but unsuccessfully. However, and with minimal Allied support, it took the combined forces more than a month to conquer Poland, just 10 days more for France.


You are dangerously close to the enemy, but you are not well prepared. “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you” (Matthew 6:33). Since your life is hard and you seem to be under attack by the world and evil spirits, you need to put on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:11) so you can be able to stand. Trust in God, seek Him, and He will help and guide you. When you mess up, don’t give up. What matters in life and especially in following God is not giving up. God sees the heart (1 Samuel 16:7), He will draw you closer to Him.

You got: Pre-war America

America became a recognized world power after World War 1. However, its intervention brought out public rebuke, especially during the Great Depression. America on the onset World War 2 is a strong, modern, powerful, but an isolationist nation. Although America gave Great Britian the supplies she needed to survive, the country refused to participate actively in the war. It will not be until the Day of Infamy (Dec. 7, 1941) that America became an active global participant.


You got it all: A strong relationship with God, good prayer life and Bible reading, and the support of many friends. It is time to climb out of your shell and see the truth. They world is dying; they need light. You have the light inside you. Do you have the courage to step up and fight for good? Or will it take a day of infamy to wake you up from your spiritually sheltered life in order to obey the Great Commission?

That’s just a sample of the 15-nation result test. And lastly, for France:

You got: France

France, although moderately powerful and had lots of support at the onset of World War 2, lacked a powerful military and training. She was deceived along with most European countries that by giving land to Germany for peace, Germany will be peaceful. It did not. France and her allies only declared war when Germany invaded Poland and even then, did not think the war will be real (the “phony” war). It is only when Germany made a surprise invasion on the Low Countries that France began to wake up and muster her strength, but it was too late. Her allies were unable to stop an experienced Germany. There was also lots of finger-pointing and bickering. Both France and Britain was unwilling to sacrifice or suffer too much defending the Low Countries. The last deception, however, was the French belief that the Mangot defense line is impenetrable and can stop the Germans from attacking further south. They were wrong. German forces went through the Ardennes forest and surprised the Allied troops. Unlike the Chinese, when the French capital, Paris, was captured, they surrendered. France was unwilling to pay the price for hope and victory. She remained a captive for much of the remainder of the war.


Since you are most like France, what can you do to improve your situation? First, you need to be more prepared against the enemy by growing with God more. Second, you need to be willing to suffer and endure more for God. Life is hard, but the One within you is greater than the one who lives in the world (1 John 4:4). Lastly, what is your Ardennes? What are your spiritual weaknesses? Make sure you take an honest look at yourself and strengthen those weaknesses. Satan always attacks at your weakest point, be prepared.

Once I publish my test, or even before that, feel free to give me input and help me out.


Spiritual WW2


From 1939 to 1945, the world agonized in the midst of a world war. On one side, the Allies, represents freedom, truth, and justice, while the other, the Axis, represents oppression, suffering, and darkness for the peoples of the world. Fortunately, the Allies won. Freedom, happiness, and prosperity were restored to many peoples.

Nowadays, all of us are in a war, a spiritual war, a struggle between good and evil. How about you? If you were a country in this spiritual world war, what country will you be, or more importantly, which side would you be on?

This test collectively measures your power (inner strength), support (how many friends you have), morals (which calculates whether you will be in the Allies [good] or Axis [evil] side), front-lineness (how frequently are you attacked or stressed), and your bravery to determine the nation that represents you.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Variables in detail:

Power– Represents your spiritual power. This includes, in the spiritual realm, your relationship with God, your effort in letting Christ live through you, how much time you spend seeking Him, and victories in Christ. A person who scores high in this criterion is a person who is close to God, loves Him, overcomes sin, and puts his/her faith in Him.

Support– Shows how much spiritual support from the family of Christ that you have and how well you use it. A person who scores high in support has lots of Christian brothers and sisters that he/she can turn to in times of trouble.

Front-Lineness– How often are you attacked by evil forces (world, flesh, and Satan). How often and how much you suffer in life. The more you are attacked, the higher this value will be. This is a good quality to have (if you’re prepared, of course) because the higher this value, the move active you are in fighting evil (your country will be closer to the enemy).

Bravery– Your effort and willingness to suffer in order to obey God. How much can you stand against evil before you fall. It is similar to hit points in an rpg game. A person with high bravery is more able to endure pain and suffering in order to follow God.

Special Thanks to:


The Holy Bible

The Invisible War by Chris Ingram

21 Reasons Bad Things Happen to Good People by Dave Earley

The Spiritual Man by Watchman Nee

Hearts of Iron game series

Axis and Allies TripleA version

Note: In making this test, I am in no way against any of these nations. The past is the past. History shows how evil and wicked men can be and how the only solution is to let the perfect man, Jesus, rule the world. He will soon and He’s coming back.

And also, I understand that many nations in the Allied side aren’t necessarily good. The totalitarian regime of the Soviet Union, for example, oppressed its own people and invaded Finland in the Winter War. I look at the big picture. The Allies are fighting against racism, bigotry, oppression, and tyranny which the Axis represents. Since both sides are man-made (and to be specific, the Soviet Union actually belongs to the Commintern), both sides have their evils, but one is trying to be good while the other is not.

If you skim over the specifics and look at the big picture, good vs. evil, you will get my purpose for this test.

The accuracy of this test also depends on whether you have a Biblical view of God. That will be up to you and God to judge, but I ask everyone to be humble and honest about yourself and your knowledge of God.

This test is also pretty subjective because no one really knows how strong you are between you and God nor how victorious you are. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Again, God will be the Judge.

Lastly, before you exult and rejoice that you got a super strong nation, I want to remind you that all of us are as nothing before God. Even the nations are nothing compared to God. He the potter and we are the clay.

Before him all the nations are as nothing; they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing. To whom, then, will you compare God? What image will you compare him to? Isaiah 40:17-18

12/13/2010: Precious Corner

12/13/2010: Precious Corner

S: 8:03am

E: 8:58am

While reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I had it in my heart to sing Precious Corner several times. I felt, of the four children, I am most similar to Lucy and Edmund. Edmund messed up; he made mistakes, just like me. He always bothers and annoys other people, especially Lucy, and he even had the audacity to lie about the world he and Lucy been to. He became easily deceived by the smooth words of the White Witch and became addicted to her Turkish Delights, not knowing that the food she gave to him was enchanted which made Edmund want to eat and eat and never be satisfied. I was also deceived by the things of this world, the easy sins I can reach by computer, and being addicted to computer games. And it’s enchanted too: I can never play enough to reach satisfaction. The things of this world can never satisfy. Edmund became jealous and angry at his three siblings because he felt rejected, alone, and belittled. I felt angry at my friends and people, too. I stopped going to church in 9th grade for the same reasons Edmund had. And in my entire life, I never had many friends. I think people are mean, messed up, and evil but instead of loving them as God said, I went the other way, to my Witch castle and became enslaved by games and pornography. Once there, I suffered terribly, just as Edmund had to suffer. He never had his Christmas presents, just as I didn’t have many blessings because of my sins. I had to suffer in the Army, to go with the witch under freezing cold and forced marches. Little do I know that it was then, being bonded, that Jesus (Aslan) came and saved me and to appease the Deep Magic, which states that all traitors belong to the witch, Jesus took my place and died for me. I listened to the Stream of Praise song “Precious Corner” many times, singing and dancing, because God made me precious. I should have died, but Jesus died for me. In the end, Edmund fought for Aslan and did great things. He became King Edmund the Just because he learned the lessons of his evil ways and became wise. He was great in administering justice and giving counsel, skills that I’m starting to be good at, too.

Because God has made my life precious by saving me, it has always been in my mind to design a Precious Corner T-shirt for myself. I already have the designs in my mind and I can’t wait to start implementing it.

I feel I am like Lucy too. I tend to be innocent and inexperienced in this world. I tend to trust people and I get hurt if they betray me. I am soft and sensitive. I am also impulsive and tend to have a simple “Trust in God” approach in life. And one way God answers me is by giving me miracles.

The old Edmund is what my life used to be while the new Edmund is what I am going to be. Lucy is my personality, my outlook in life.

This is the part I left out from my last discovery. I had so much to write that I forgot this whole part. I need to love God and follow Him because He made my life precious. I’m precious because I’m precious to Him.