9/29/2013: I’m Back! and I will only be able to be back with God

9/29/2013: I’m Back! and I will only be able to be back with God

S: 11:50pm
E: 12:37am

[written]

I know I haven’t written an entry in about a month. Maybe I should write more often. I think one thing that is keeping me from writing is the fact that I can see how many views from other people in my blog. In this blog, this discovery, I hardly get any viewers and it discourages me from writing. Why should I write if nobody reads them? I know my motivation for writing should be because of myself. And I know that the greatest beneficiary of writing, personal writing, should be me.

[typed]

I know in this world, I can only trust God. God will always know and will always love while people can change their minds. I need God and other people to prosper but I only need God to survive. By surviving, I mean having eternal life and thus being alive. When this world is so cruel and injustice so prevalent, or when life is good, in both times, I can always talk to God who understands me. When people refuse to understand each other, when many people find enjoyment in hate, God gives me the wisdom and logic to counter them. When I lose, it is because I didn’t have God. When I win, it is because God is with me. And I count what other people see as a loss with God as a win. With God, I win.

I want to start writing more again. I want to increase my view count. I can try, but it is really God who makes me succeed. Thus, even though I want to increase my view count, I will try not to worry about it because part of the equation, or most of it, is out of my control. I will focus on what I can do. What I can do to increase my viewcount is to write regularly. So, I will try to write every Saturday for my readers.

I know whatever I do, and I think whatever people do, there will be people who disagree with me, and there are some people who want me to fail. I know one person who wants not just me but everyone human to fail is Satan. He tried to fail Adam and Eve from the beginning and, thanks to God, Adam and Eve prevailed.

There is a myth which states that people without many friends or connections or a good job have little influence in the world. That myth may be partially true, but in one context, it is wrong. Every Christian, regardless of who many friends or connections that person has, could be a powerhouse. A Christian is someone who loves God and if that Christian were to spend his time praying, he or she can move mountains. Some people may say that a Christian without “connections” or friends will be less powerful but I somewhat disagree. Relationship with God is more important that a Christian’s relationship with his or her friends. A good relationship with God gives the Christian spiritual power and the spirit is higher and stronger than the world. Other people may say that in order to have a good relationship with God, one needs to have a good relationship with people. That is somewhat true. The Bible tells believers to love God and to also love people. However, a good relationship with people and having many human friends are not the same thing. One can have many human friends not because of that person’s character but because of worldly traits such as wealth, prestige, power, etc. What matters is that the person is kind and loving to other people. As long as that person is kind and loving, no matter how few or how many friends that person has, he or she has a good relationship with people. But, we must not forget the Source. What makes a person kind and loving towards people? It is because that person is overwhelmed by the loving-kindness of God.

I can continue to write but I am trying to sleep at a semi-decent time. I have a prayer meeting from Intervarsity at 11pm and I want to go. I tried to go last week but I woke up at 11pm :(

My Bicycle

12/21/2012:  My Bicycle

{5:44pm}  Initially, I don’t want to write a blog about what happened to my bicycle but from the comments I read about this incident, I feel there is a need for this event to be in the eternal archives.

A few months ago, around August-time, I went to Wal-Mart to buy a bicycle.  I wanted one because it can help me save money on gas with the added benefit of PT (physical training).  I was looking at the bicycles and looking at the price.  I saw one that is only about $100 and it is blue and white.  Since I love Israel, I brought that bicycle.  I also brought a blue helmet to match it (No, my favorite color is still light-green).  Before I left, I also purchased the necessary bicycle supplies and a lock.

The cashier overcharged me by one spare bicycle tire but I didn’t find out until I am in my room.  In my anger, I told myself I’m not ever going to Wal-Mart again!  Then I calmed down and told myself the next time I go shopping, I’m going to keep track of how many items I brought and how much.  I retooled my cell phone for that mission.  Before I leave the store, right after I brought the items, I’m going to look at the receipt to double-check.  The cashiers and the store management may think I’m just a selfish little capitalist but I just want justice because injustice had happened to me.

On Monday December 17 (not December 7 but it is like to me), I prepared myself to do a recon trip to the Greyhound bus station so I know what to do and what to expect.  I remember in the Army, my unit always does recon missions.  I was the humvee driver and before my battery went to the range to train, I was ordered to be the driver to scout out the prospective area.  I find this to be good practice so I adopted it.  However, when I left my room for my bicycle, I found it to be gone!  I only saw my bicycle lock, cut in half.  My initial reaction was that of apathy.  I know I live in a sinful world and these things are supposed to happen.  Strangely, I started to feel happy.  I feel happy that I can give my bicycle to the thief that stole it.  I am happy that I am giving.  It’s Christmas time anyways :p

I shared what happened and my reaction to it on Facebook.  I typed:

Today, as I was preparing to recon the Greyhound bus station at El Paso, because I’m leaving to LA tomorrow, using my bicycle I realized it got stolen! I told myself that it’s ok, that we live in a sinful world and that God will be the judge. Best yet, I can treat that loss as a Christmas present. :)

I’ll try to buy the same kind of bicycle (blue and white) when I get back and if someone steals it again, I’ll buy it again. If they take without asking, I’ll treat it as if I’m giving it to God.

I received a comment from F a day later:

But God didn’t asked that your bike be stolen. When you give something to God, you give something to God. When things get stolen, it’s stolen, not given to God. I wonder if there is anything you could do to help it from getting stolen?

In a way, she is right.  God never asked that my “bike be stolen.”  It is sinful human nature working in man that took away my bicycle.  Unless He is trying to test me like Job :(  However, when things get stolen, I question whether it is always “not given to God.”  Something in me tells me that is not right.  I remember God telling the ancient Israelites to kill everyone in the city of Jericho to “be devoted to the LORD” (Joshua 6:17).  In a way, it is stealing.  They are killing everyone to give it to God.  I remember God using Babylon as “God’s Sword of Judgment” (Ezekiel 21).  He uses an unclean nation for His purpose.  I believe and I told myself that it is all in the heart.  If a thief breaks in and takes everything I have in my house and if I tell God, “Lord, everything the thief has is yours because everything I have belongs to You” then I am giving it to God.  God sees the heart.  This bicycle stealing is unintentional; I didn’t want anybody to take it.

I was at a loss trying to explain to her and my family is pushing me to join with them to watch a World War II documentary from PBS, so I had to make this quick and I wrote:

Hello [F]. I can’t really explain it but I feel when people steal something from me, if I just “give it to God,” I will have peace. After all, everything already belongs to God. I hope God can minister and change the thief who stole my bicycle.

And I quickly added:

My bicycle is well-protected. The same day I brought that bicycle, I also brought a lock. I placed my bicycle behind my car next to my studio. On Monday, when I went out to use my bike, I saw that the chain was cut.

I thought about this when lying on my bed.  I realized inspiration and “what to do” comes when I lie down to think.

This morning, I got a reply from her:

Next time put the bike inside your studio.

I want to be like a child of God so I replied in a friendly way:

Initially, I did put my bicycle inside my apartment but my studio is small and I have difficulty getting around..

I might just not buy another bicycle after all. El Paso, like Texas, is a big place and there’s not much I can travel to within a 2-mile radius. It’s not like Taiwan. :(

I can just walk to UTEP. It is three-quarters of a mile away.

But that is not what I really wanted to write.  I was about to write the following rough-draft message as a reply but I decided to create this blog and write it in here:

To conclude, the emphasis should not be in security but in God.  Jesus said, “Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it” (Matthew 16:25).  I took all reasonable measures to protect my bicycle and it still got stolen.  It is enough to take reasonable measures for security and not worry about it.  We should instead trust in God and He will be the judge.  

I hesitated to write this in the morning because I don’t want to offend.  But who am I offending?  As I waited longer, there is a growing unease in my heart.  I want to write the truth.  I want to write, through my knowledge of God, what is right.  If I am wrong then correct me through God’s Word and I will correct myself.  None of us are perfect; we all make mistakes.  

It is easy, when bad things happen, to blame the victim.  The Psalmist David wrote, “I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none” (Psalms 69:20b).  From what I am reading; from what I am perceiving, your comment gives me the impression that I am an idiot and it is my fault.  I know that this world is evil; I know that people steal.  But I don’t want to worry and stress myself out about every little thing.  Jesus said “do not worry about tomorrow” (Matthew 6:34).  

Please don’t take this as disrespect.  I simply want to do the right thing before God.  Thank you for taking the time to respond to me and to help me.

I feel this sums up what I feel.  I may lose 100 friends tomorrow but I know it is better to choose to have courage and stand up for what I think is right than to live my life in silent shame.  It is more important to obey God rather than men.

Since I am writing this blog, I may as well also write about my happenings.  My Christmastime this year may be lonely but, in a way, I want it that way.  I can relax and just chill in my room.  I feel I am being a loner and introverted but I feel, for now, that is alright.  When I return back to El Paso, I got missions to do.  I spend a lot of my time playing strategy games because I like games that require me to plan and think tactically, but I know that, time is still best spent with God.  As much as I can, I spend my time reading my Bible.  I made an ambitious one-month Bible reading plan and, needless to say, it is taking me more than one year.  I am more than half-way done reading the whole Bible.

Many times, I feel that nobody loves me; that nobody cares about me.  Nobody talks to me.  It’s probably because I don’t have any money.  It’s also probably because I try to be me.  But I know that if I follow God and do His will, then “every promise in the book” will be mine, every “chapter every verse every line” (From song: Every Promise in the Book is Mine).

I am still introverted but people change.  I am trying to change to have the character of God.  I am not who I am before I joined the Army.  I changed a lot when I came back from deployment from Kuwait.  I change a lot these days.  People who judge me and preset their perceptions of me based on who I was a year or even a month ago may have the wrong picture of me because I try, with God’s help, to change myself.  Some people never change but I try to change because I’m not perfect and “someday perfect I will be” (From song: He’s Changing Me).

I’m still very weak.  I still make lots of mistakes but what matters is I don’t give up.

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year!

Oh yes, I also want to share an incident during my church’s last year’s Christmas Caroling.  I really miss the caroling.  My church would separate the singing to the West and the East side.  During the caroling, I would receive an itinerary of all the people’s houses that we need to visit.  We would knock on their doors and they would invite us in and we would sing.  And after the singing, the host family would show us a whole table of food already set up.  I told my youth members it is “like eating dinner” six or seven times.  I actually have to tell the host that I can’t eat anymore because I am so full.

I remember during the West side caroling last year, we were to go to man’s house named George(?).  It was like an adventure to even get to his house.  I was one of the drivers and I was able to get his house because I used my GPS.  I was about half of the drivers who were able to get to the approximate location.  We called the other drivers to help them get there.  Then, once we got there, we were in confusion!  We couldn’t exactly find his house!  I remember taking things rationally and I was looking at the street names and the house numbers and trying to solve it by deduction.  We spent around twenty minutes walking around the street when I saw George walking on the sidewalk to go back to his house.  Overjoyed, I greeted him.  He greeted back and told me he just came from work.  We followed him to his house and we sang.  I consider that a miracle.  We were very close to leaving and, at the last minute, he popped up.

And then there is this girl named A who sat in my car as we drove to Print Palace at the Sunland Park Mall to sing.  I thought about us singing for the whole mall!  As we were leaving to go on to the next target, we went through the Forever 21 store.  A was looking around at the stuff.  Jokingly, I told her, “You should not be looking at these things.  You are not twenty-one yet.”  She just stopped abruptly and glared at me.  I chucked and continued walking.  Fun times.  And my girl is still a vegetable.

I wanted to bring my guitar to help the church singers but I didn’t know what the songs will be.  So, the first day, on the East side, I didn’t bring my guitar.  But, I received the song list and, throughout the night and day, I practiced and prepared all the songs that we are going to sing.  Waley also brought his guitar and together, we played.  I should have brought my bigger amp instead of that cheap portable one because that one wasn’t loud enough.  I changed it to the power distortion mode and I wasn’t even sure if the sound that came out is the right note.  Oh well, as long as it is loud enough, I played it.  {E: 7:07pm}

2/1/2011: Defense against Judgments

2/1/2011: Defense against Judgments

S: 9:51am

E: 11:28am (came back from formation)

Right now, I feel I’m on a low ebb on my writing skills. But, I still have to write. I write the good, I also need to write the bad times. Starkingdoms, the only game I allow myself to play, has been taking a lot of my time, but, at least it’s a lot more social than other games I’ve been playing. The leadership skills and practice in forums can help me grow as a person. Actually, I have been quite busy, between college, praying, doing military stuff, personal maintenance, and Star Kingdoms, and I find it hard to find time to write.

I’m also kind of forgetful sometimes. I was half-done on my other discovery I started but my mind then went blank. For me to write well, I need to be honest and write about my feelings and intentions before I write my content. I need to write about myself first before I write what I was planning to write.

For the past few weeks, I decided to socially isolate myself (esp. Facebook) because I needed to grow in God and self more. I’m afraid of people judging but I happy to say I have at last found a solution.

One thing that I find it hard in this world is judging. In my life, everyday, people judge me all the time, either intentionally or unintentionally. For example, when a soldier says, “Steven, wake up. Stop being lazy,” he is inferring:

Major premise: People who close their eyes during work are lazy.

Minor Premise: Steven is closing his eyes during work hours.

Conclusion: Therefore, Steven is lazy.

But, that is not the case. I did not close my eyes because I wanted to slack off and be lazy. No, the reason why I closed my eyes is so I can have the energy to do a better job. I chose to close my eyes because I know my weaknesses and I am trying to counter them.

This is why Jesus said in Matthew 7:1, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” God is right about that command because since God knows everything, only He can be the judge.

Before, my response is would be to argue and defend myself but I found the more I argue and defend myself, the more judgments and accusations I receive. Then, I tried to “be like Jesus,” by trying to know when to speak and when to remain silent. That helped, but, I think I found the best solution.

The solution is to, Steven, listen up, the solution to being judged is to be humble, truthful, and let your yes be yes and your no be no (Matthew 5:37). The truth will come in the end and God will be the ultimate judge.

I will do my best not to judge others but to pray for them. I cannot change people; only God can change people. I will be nice, caring, loving to everyone and I will also listen to my spirit as to when to speak and when to remain silent. However, if people judge me, I need to be humble, say the truth, and leave it to that. I will not go on explaining and defending myself. I will just let my “yes” be “yes” and my “no” be “no.” God knows the truth and He knows everything. He will be my real Judge.

PS: I have been so worried about being judged that I did not only isolate myself from Facebook, but also from my parents. I haven’t replied any of my dad’s e-mails this year nor have I called my mom in Taiwan. I always tell myself that I am not ready, that I am too stressed out to talk, but, I need not be afraid. God will be the Judge.

喜樂泉源 (Fountain of Joy) by 讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise)

祢是我喜樂泉源 祢使我歡欣跳躍
祢使我自由飛翔 不再被罪惡綁
祢是我永生盼望 祢愛有無比力量
從今時直到永遠 祢應許不會改變
祢的寶血 有能力 能醫治一切的傷口
祢的復活 能改變 一切的咒詛成為祝福
我們要高舉祢聖名 祢配得所有最大的讚美
我們要用全心 和全意 來敬拜祢
我們要歡迎祢來臨 願祢來設立寶座在這裡
我們要張開口 不停讚美祢

Fountain of Joy

For the past few days, I feel restless and uneasy. I find that by dancing and singing songs like this really cheered me up and helped me to give my burden to God. Hmm, when I get back to the States, I might sing this song along with my dance moves :)

It is Jesus who sets me free. I am so happy.

1/29/2011: Bring people to God

1/29/2011: Bring people to God

S: 6:32am

E: 6:55am

Today, our battery played capture the flag for PT!!! I would have had more fun if I remembered one of the basic principles of evangelism.

I came to PT and my NCO told me the time and location of the first order of business for the day. I knew my NCO don’t like me asking questions, but, I wanted to know for what reason, so, I asked my best friend in the Army. He told me, with a “are you stupid” tone, the same thing my sergeant said. I asked why but he just ignored me. I went away but I felt hurt. I felt hurt because there is no love. I should have left it to that, if I knew that basic principle. However, I didn’t, so I decided try to share my feelings and try to change people.

I told him, “D, I don’t know why you are so mean. I just want to know for what reason (so I can prepare, but I didn’t say that).”

He replied, “Since you are so butt-hurt, don’t talk to me.”

My sergeant, who is in the vicinity, told me why do I want to know? Since I know my sergeant, I didn’t answer him but gave a “hooah sergeant.” Then I went away.

I thought about being completely rational with them but, no, I can’t. I still need to do Christ’s best to love people, even people who hurt me. Then our battery played capture the flag and I tried to be friendly with him. I had fun, and it was intense. I did what I can to help my team. I shout out every time an opponent cross the line (to prevent surprises). Since I see that most players either attack and on all the way or stay behind and defend, I played the role as a multi-fighter. I take defense first, and if I see most of the attacking teammates tagged, I go on “search and rescue” missions and go on the offense. Depending on the situation, I try not to put myself in great danger, so I can retreat and save my teammates again. I call myself the “rescuer.” Heh. Yea, our team won 3-2. Go 14 series :)

It is after the game, when walking to chow, that I remembered the basic principle of evangelism. I tried, without knowing, to change people, to bring God to people, but, as what Watchman Nee wrote, I need to bring people to God first before I bring God to people.

I find that I always try to change people’s behaviors, whether they are too mean, too judging, or too conceited. I find that I cannot change people. I cannot even change myself. None of us can. Only God can change people. I should not be trying to change behaviors or attitudes but to be praying and, with wisdom, leading people to God.

Luke 5:31 Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

I remember my “Operation Los Angeles” and how much of the days I planned is in prayer. People need to seek God first. They have to have a need for a savior before they can accept Jesus into their hearts. Once that is done, God does the work of changing people. Then they become more loving, caring, patient, understanding, honest, etc. We should not worry about changing people’s outside behaviors or trying to change social issues like the economy, universal healthcare, or even abortion, because like an individual’s behavior, these are simply society’s behavior and beliefs. We need to bring people to God before we can bring God to people.

And also, before I take a dump and shower, I realized that my prayer life has been weak. I spent most of my time praying outside, when walking to and fro. I spent most of my time praying on my “junk” time. On my free time, in my room, I find that I spend a lot of time on Star Kingdoms (the only game I authorized myself to play) and college, but little on prayer. And the times that I do pray, I do something else also! I cannot do that! God says we cannot worship both God and money and that we have to love Him so much that everything else is like hatred compared to God (Matthew 6:24, Matthew 10:37). How dare me to add other things and concerns in my own time for Him! I need to repent and spend more time with Him. Without Him, I am nothing. I cannot be “too busy” (from Little Reflections) for God.

 

1/19/2011: A Life-Changing Alternative

1/19/2011: A Life-Changing Alternative

S: 6:50pm

E: 7:10pm

Yesterday and today should be easy for me, because my NCO and squadmate had guard duty. However, it wasn’t. It wasn’t because my relationship with God is not right. I played tons of computer games and fallen into temptations and it’s hard to get back up. When I got off work today (I mostly just hang about in our office since it’s almost time to go home!), I immediately went online to search for some RPG games. After spending an hour just browsing games, I found a game, Call of Duty 2, that I think I would enjoy. The game has a WWII theme and I love WWII games. However, my credit card got denied! Hmm, that’s strange. So I went to my Wells Fargo online account and paid my current e-bill, but that should have caused the rejection. So I tried PayPal, but I forgot the password, and I remembered that if I kept on trying, it will lock me up (by experience L), so, I gave up on that. The website, Direct 2 Drive, an online gaming retailer, told me to contact customer support. Well, I’m afraid to talk to people so I rejected that idea. That leaves me with no games to play! Then, I searched for some flash games but they are all empty to me. I either played them all or it is just not fun.

It is then (now), that I decided to try a new thing. I feel so alone, so left out, and so unloved by the world. I try to worship God, I try to pray but my desire to play games overwhelmed me. But praise God, because I felt that by me being denied games, I found something more meaningful. I could go to WordPress and not only read my past blogs (I still haven’t uploaded them all) but I can read others as well. I typed in “Chronicles of Narnia” and “suffering” and found a blog post that is similar to mine. He shared about his life and the book! I read others and I felt hope. I felt hope because I found something that can really take the place of computer games. It’s like how the world relies on fossil fuels for energy and finding solar or wind power. Hehe. Well, the best form of power will be from God. When He comes, there will be no need for energy, for He (God) will be our source of energy.

Revelation 22:5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

That is what I need to do. I need to find an energy alternative to games to a more meaningful or cleaner solution in learning more about people and their walk under the sun. Reading like that will be like reading a wonderful story again, like reading the Chronicles of Narnia.

I should write more often, so I may help others with my life experience, and also to help myself too. When I get older, I will look back at what I wrote five, ten years ago and relearn and relive my life or other people’s lives. I am already reading my high school self and I’m very surprised at how much I’ve changed. For the better, of course. As long as I pick up my cross and follow Him, my story with God will become better. I am constantly changing and I hope I’m changing for the better.

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:36pm
E: 10:20pm

It’s over. It is so fucking over. My life has now come to an end. I checked on google (I didn’t dare go on my facebook again, it’s not the Steven Yeh anymore) for Endora. And guess what I found? On her profile picture, is a picture of her boyfriend. I don’t dare look at it again. I thought maybe it’s someone else since the message mentioned Japan. But when I checked the friends and saw one of my church members, I know this is it. No, I don’t want to be jealous and I am not jealous. I’m just very angry at my abilities and my current life situation and the way I was trained and brought up. My whole life has been prepared for failure. It is one big collosal failure. I can’t deal with people anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore unless I have to. In that case, my logical mask takes over. I can’t wait for the day of my death. I will see my parents, fake a urgent visit, and then die. I can’t wait. I just have to die. To die. The love of my life. And I just checked Dorcas’ too. Although it isn’t very obvious that she has a boyfriend, I saw her prom pictures. I think.. she probably has a boyfriend. Of course. The girls I love are spiritually high-class girls. I will have no chance. Or maybe not spiritually, but I’ll say smart, with a little bit of Jesus inside. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s alright. Endora is taken. Dorcas is probably also taken. I don’t want to find out because the probability is too low. I will just assume Dorcas is taken. Okay, so both girls are taken. Okay. Okay. I guess I will depart from this world then. This world really has nothing for me. I can’t stand living in this world. It’s just too difficult, too hard, too much suffering and shame for me. My life isn’t trained to be anything but a loser in society. Heh, what my dad feared has come true. His attempts to help me failed because he didn’t trust in God. And now, I am reaping the fruits of it. Ok.

I will still love God, because he still died on the cross for me. But I know that my life is too hopeless, too painful, too shameful to live on. I’m tired of failing God, tired of sinning against God, tired of having to fight against my weak flesh (both morally and physically), tired of being socially inapt, tired of everything, tired of wasting my time on fuitle things, on worldly things, tired of fear, tired of everything! My flesh is too strong. My spirit is too weak. I have no social support, none of the friends that I care about loves and cares about me. Endora is gone. Dorcas is gone. Canaan moved on. Jack Li is gone. Charles Song moved on. Wilson Chien is gone. Michael Bryan is gone (he moved). Wayne Lai is gone (I betrayed him). Heh, everyone is gone. I can’t live on anymore. I refuse to live in this painful, fuiltie world. I refuse to live with my strong flesh and weak spirit and willpower. I am overstressed, overburdened, overtroubled, and I have to deal with them by myself. Other people will probably think I am too high to maintain. Yes, by worldly standards, I am. But, by Godly standards, I’m not. God made me, he knows everything about me. To love people and to love God, no. To love God first and then to love people is the sole duty of man. Everything else comes second, or maybe last.

I want to say fuck everyone in this world. Fuck all my aquentises. Fuck those…. Well, the biggest blame and the biggest fuck would have to be me. Fuck me. I’m a loser and I always will be. Things happen to me, I don’t really make things happen. ANd if I try, it always fails. ANd when I try not to fail, I give up and choose to follow God.

I did not have sex in high school twice because I refuse to have my body sin against God.
If I were a nurse, I will make my patient list my “prayer list.”
If I were a teacher, I will teach my students something more permant: eternalty.
If I were a soldier, I will sling my rifle on my back and read the Bible. I will trust in God, with my expression of obidence.
If I were a ruler, I would have my people know the ways of the Lord, for it is in Christ that makes us free. And once He comes, I will surrender all my power and all my crowns to him. I will choose to be the lowest of all His servants if it needs be.

I am tired of writing what ifs. They won’t happen and will never happen. I am just going to live a lonely loser life for the rest of my days. It’s not a suicide, its an escape. An escape from this harsh world and my weak self.

ANd I hate comeptetion. Why do people try to best one another. And once they win, they subely brag and are proud. Why can’t those who are strong pretend they are weak and help those who are weak? And those who are weak be humble? For we are all weak before God. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. This world really is unlivable for me. Sure it has food, water, oxygen. But what it needs most is love. FOr it is love that God created the heavens and the Earth. It is out of love that he made us so we might be able to fellowship with HIm in a new heaven and a new earth. It is love that made Him die on the cross so we might live. More than oxygen I need your love. More than live-giving food, the hungry dream of. Yes, more than anything, I need His love. I need His love right now.

It’s just so painful to have such a weak spirit and a weak body (both, of course).

I hate those who think they are the best and know everything. I even hate those who are proud in their own eyes. But I think my biggest pet peeves is those who are right in their own eyes and they think that they follow God. Only those who I personally talk to and know can fall in this catogery. If it’s possible, I would gladly associate, live, help those who are much worse off than me. But I can’t.

I had a dream, and I wrote this before, about going to Xinjing, the western-most part of China. I want to be a missionary there, telling them about Jesus and the love of God. Heh, I’m glad it was only a dream. Because I have no chance. There is no hope for me. It seems that people are just too evil to truly love God and to love people. And yes, I am just too weak to live in this world. I don’t want to live to do evil, no, if that’s the case, I would rather not be born. I cannot to evil, I will not give Satan a foothold. I will either serve God or die. I will not serve myself, this world, or Satan. There is only one God in heaven that I will serve.

Many times, I asked God if he can just change back the hands of time. God could do it, because he created time. He is omipotent. But, I am only appointed to live and die once. My request goes against His Word. So… I guess I am just going to die. It is too hopeless to live. Just thinking about what I could have been if other people helped me is depressing and hopeless enough.

Nothing I write is worth anything. Because people only care and listen to those who are rich, have influence, etc. Heck, they don’t even listen to the Words of Jesus. Why would they listen to me?

You know, there are times when I wish I had some magical powers, to balance the unfairness I have been given in my life. I wish I can fly. I wish I can, with a stroke of my hand, cause fire and quakes. Heh.

Life is what happens to you when you are young, and from that path, what can you do about it? Every young people in this world needs to be taught the path to escape from sin and sorrow. To escape from death. To trust in God. To love God and to love people. That is the path of true happiness.

I write too much now. Heh, that’s cause I hardly write at all these days. It’s just too painful and too much suffering to write. But here are my words, my speech, and my thoughts.

I can’t wait and I look forward to that sweet refrain!