2016.8.≈12: To Forgive

2016.8.≈12: To Forgive

At about the same time last year, I had the best birthday present. It was Friday then and I was called to do powerpoint for the worship at my church. They simply appointed it to me; I didn’t request it. I was so happy. There’s nothing better than to be at my family, serving them, on my birthday, to listen and sing songs of hope and to worship and glorify God. I was still training but, on that day, I did most, if not all, of the work. You can read the rest of my best day in this blog: http://stevenyjesus.blogspot.com/2015/08/8142015-day-to-change-year.html. By looking briefly at that blog a year ago, I forgot to add that I also went to intercession, which is like a prayer session, with worship music in the background. One of the things I regret is not attending intercession, but I somehow was able to attend it that day. :) And I had work (at the call center, ugh, but I had, for some reason, nicer customers as well). I was fireblazin’ that day.

I am forgiving many members of my former church.  A sister from my church told me that, regardless whether the offense is real or imagined, I need to forgive them. This means that even if the other party doesn’t recognize that they offended me, I still need to forgive them. Even if they think they don’t need forgiveness, I still need to forgive them.

And forgiveness is not: OK, you offended me before, I forgive you but I’ll keep you at arms’ length and, from now on, I won’t be close or personal with you anymore. No! That is not how God forgives. When God forgives, our sins are washed whiter than snow. When God forgives, our relationship with Him is completely restored. It is like it was before.

I will forgive and love those who hurt me, whether it’s by omission or commission and whether it’s mutually recognized or not. If I contact them again, I will love them and try to hug them. If they invite me, I will seriously consider attending that church again.



{S: 10:35pm} Today showed me God’s promises. I felt all hope is lost; I felt I’m never going to find a good apartment, a good place to live. I started to blame God, telling Him that He led me out of slavery in Egypt to die in the desert (Exodus 14:12). I saw a listing on Craiglist of a studio a mile away from UTEP and less than half a mile away from EPCC- Rio Grande campus. I called a few apartments but with no luck. I felt this listing, posted at 9am, close proximity to UTEP and EPCC, will all utilities paid, and only at $450, will take a miracle to be accepted.

Before I called, I felt pessimistic. It’s like I don’t want to try anymore. Instead of trying to find a place to live, I want to just go back to computer games, which is my drug, to dull the pain.

I called them, went to their site and they accepted me! They told me there was a few other offers but if I make a deposit now, then I can have the room. So I did, yes! While I was talking with the landlords, another prospector came to take a look. The owner told them it’s already taken. I waved at them and said, “I’m sorry….”

Tomorrow is my birthday but I really don’t have anything planned. To me, birthdays are just another day. I try to make it that way because why should I celebrate? If the reader thinks about it, life is full of pain. Job said “May the day of my birth perish, and the night it was said, ‘A boy is born!” (Job 3:3). I feel the lives of the people in this world are like this. Evil is increasing and hope is diminishing. There are more and more groaning and more and more worries.

But for my birthday tomorrow, I do have something planned. I have it planned with God. I plan to do a birthday dance with God, go to the dog park with Jello while praying, and maybe take a prayer walk on the Franklin Mountains. I’ve never been there before. {E: 10:58pm}




Today I had EST 2000 training. I did okay in the night-fire (15/30 7 to pass) and well in the reflective fire (26/30) courses, but when we came back from break to do the weapons qualifications test, I sucked (18/40 23 to pass). Almost every time I try to aim at a target, my vision blurred. I can’t shoot what I can’t see. It really sucks when I look at everyone’s scores and see that mine is the worse.

But it’s okay, I trust in God and he knows everything. I just have to endure. I don’t keep my eyes on targets, I keep my eyes on Jesus. Jesus loves me and only he can save me.

And also, tomorrow is my PT test. It includes push-ups (40 to pass in 2 mins.), sit-ups (50 to pass 2 min.), and the 2-mile run (16:36 to pass). For my last PT test, I got 54 push-ups, 56 sit-ups, and a 16:08 on my run, but I still failed my PT test because I was 21 at the time (need 15:54). One of my best presents on my 22nd birthday, next to reconnecting with my church, is an easier PT test. I better sleep early today.



S: 7:44pm
E: 7:52pm

Today, I have recieved the best present. Not cupcakes, but support from Zion. Praise God. I send an e-mail update and I wasn’t very optimastic about the results. But I was wrong. I am nearly overwhelmed by the replies of my Christian family. I am now feeling fear, fear of how they see me, fear of how they will respond to me, fear of the unknown, and also joy. Joy that my church friends actually care about me. How can I respond to them? I cannot respond to them yet. The gift from God is still too fresh to respond. I cannot even read its e-mail, althrough I yearn to open it. I am afraid of the e-mails. Afraid of what’s inside it.

I know I have broken many writing rules and people rules. But I know that they are but rules made by men. The orgin of these rules are evil. They prevent CHristians from honestly loving and knowing God. I am afriad. I am afraid to fail. WHat if I am a fake? Only God knows. God knows how much I love and seek him. Only he can look in my heart.

I don’t know what to do right now. I can’t reply to them yet. I don’t want to open yahoo messenger. I don’t want to write another update. No, I just feel, its too embrassing. I’m already scared. The only reason why I did not collaspe with fear is because I trust in God. He is my rock.

SO today, I am happy. So happy. I recieved the greatest gift I can ever hope for: support from Zion.



S: 7:34pm
E: 8:07pm

A day before my birthday, I reflected on my life. Looking at all the e-mails of my past that I treasured. I think about all my friends that moved on. I lost contact to all of them. I remember the sweet times when I had them. I regret the times when I refuse to follow God in my high school years beacuse I feel angry. I feel hopeless too. All these memories. All these failures. All these regrets.

My church forgot me. That’s only derserving of what I get because I forgot my church, too. I failed college. I deserved that too. I didn’t study, and I actually got better grades than I deserved. God’s mercy is very great. I failed to control my evil self. My evil desires. My evil flesh. I failed time and time again. Until my dad praticaly kicked me out.

I joined the Army because I failed college and my dad kicked me out. But a deeper reason is because I failed to worship God completely. I was still holding on to sin. I was still greatly sinning against God.

I got through so much pain as a result of my decision. So much hardship, so much pain, so much loneyness. But somehow, God still had mercy on me. On this poor wetched soul. He delieved me many times in BCT when I seeked Him. He helped me in AIT when I asked for help. Even through I wander away, God still forgave me and helped me. And in my unit too.

But still. I feel so alone. I feel so loney. I miss all my long ago, long past friends. I miss them. I love them. I want to talk to them. To connect with them again. To bless and love them again. To fellowship with them again. But time has done its damage. It is done. There is no turning back.

Oh how I wish I can live life again. How I wish I can just start over again. I tried to talk to God to give me another chance that way. To say, “God, if you can make me young again, I will change my ways. For now I see my mistakes. Now I see my sin.” But I can’t. God won’t let me. It’s not fair for others. It’s against His Law.

So now what am I to do? It is depressing. So real. I am nothing now. I watch as this world is heading to sin. I watch. I can only watch. And sometimes pray.

Lord, can you please help me. Lord, you know my pains, you know me oh Lord. Help and heal me. Even through I messed up in my early life. Lord, help me. Forgive me God. Please help me. Give me a second chance with people. Give me a second chance with other believers. I want to fellowship with them. I want to fellowship with my church. I miss them. They have forgotton me, and I deserved it. I deserved it.

I deserved everything in my life. All the major decisons I mean. The biggest mistake is that I failed to worship and love GOd completely. I failed HIm. I failed. Now I seek Him. Now I love Him. Now I worship and adore and ask HIm for help. BUt now is too late. It cannot undo the damage that I have done. I can’t just talk to these people, these friends of mine again. I have to make new ones but they are just not replacable. It’s not a plug and fix solution.

Lord, what am I to do? SHould I write a long, lengthy e-mail to all three groups asking them to forigve me and love me and cover me in again? What will they do? Will they think I’m crazy? What can I do? WHat can I say? What can I do to have them be with me again. I know God is with me, but I still love to worhsip God with my fellow believers.

I don’t know what to do. My birthday. It means nothing. It is just a cursed day to me. It is just a reminder of time passing. OH how I want to go back in time, if only just a few years. I think I can see my life now. A life of misrey, pain, sorrow, shame. A life alone. A loney life. People don’t understand this. They don’t understand, unless they really want to understand me. ANd they persist to. Then they might understand.

Now I’m thinking. Now I’m thinking the impossible. Death. I just want to die. After all, all my former support is gone. My church is gone. My old CHristian friends is gone. Even my high school friends is gone. Canaan is now just a distant friend to me. Just a memory of what a friend used to be. And its all my fault. My fault. I did not seek God. I did not follow GOd completely.

You know, maybe I should just go AWOL and spend the rest of my money in a secret place, just worshipping God, just praying to God, just seeking Him. ANd then my plan is to die. Once my money runs out, or I’m found out, I will die. Die. Sweet death, Sweet departure.

Is it too late for me Lord? Is it too late for me to have my old friends back? I could get new grain and new wine because the Bible said so. But can I get the ones I love back again? I don’t think so. I love them, I miss them terriably.

I think its hopeless. I think my life is just hopeless. I failed God. It’s too late for me. The war for my life was already lost. ALl the major battles have been fought early in my life. I lost almost all if not all of them. Now, I can win every battle, but still lose so much. Still lose the war.

I’m dispairing. I’m crying inside. I’m broken inside. I feel so hopeless. I just want to die. Say good bye. Just die.

WHo am I anyways? Am I not just a man God created? Am I not just a breath that passes away? Am I not just like a flower in the field that fades away?

I can’t live my life anymore. I don’t care about other people, other soldiers anymore. I just want to die.

I don’t want to made any new friends anymore. I just want my old friends back. My old friends from childhood. I want them back. Or I will be alone. I hate being alone. I hate to be by myself. I want to travel through life with my church friends. I want to suffer with them. TO cry with them. To laugh with them. TO do anything with them. Lord help me. Humor is just a drug to me now. It hides the truth of reality.

So when am I going to die? I’m going to die as soon as I safely could. I will travel to a remote location. I don’t care the damage I can do to my country. I failed myself.

I want to just worship God, give Him glory, and then die.


{written diary}

8/12/04    8:44pm

Because my mom woke me up to help her on the computer, and because I have the inclindication to write my discovery, I decided to write this.  Alot of things or events has happened to me lately.  Most noticeable is my birthday, which in Aug. 14.  Only two days left.  I got music echoing in my head.  Do you know what it is?  It’s the blue.. 31. something.  The drama’s name is in Chinese.  The music is this soft melody with no words.  It makes me think of pure love and resilience.  The movie itself is sad.  So sad that I would have cried if no one is at home.  I feel so sorry for the abused girl.  She is so beautiful.  I fell in love with her.  The other girl, the evil one, is also very pretty, but evil.  She is also cute and I like her to.  Now this is the problem.  Why do I keep getting lusted by girls?  I want to love only one and one girl.  She has to be the best in this world.  All I want and desire is that.  I want a girlfriend.  I want to sleep and talk to the girl I love.  But the problem is that I fall in “love” with so many!  Everytime if I am sad or depressed, I will try to sing a song to cheer me up.  And you know what?  I’m still in love with Julia, Jennifer, and other girls, especially Ruby.  I have desires for them.  That is messed up.  I would love to date one of them, of course if I date one of them, I can only love her only.  And there is a huge percentage that she might be my wife.  And I am also playing mu.  It’s a fun game but I know its of little value.  Cannan {ln} persuiated me to limit my games to only two hours per day in summer and half of my study time on games on weekends.  No gaming allowed on weekday.  I’m sorry, but I’m tired of writing this.  I think writing this is pointless.  No one will read this, and no one will care much.  Not one of my dreams could come true.  I want (not need) a girlfriend.