8/26/2013: Strategy

8/26/2013: Strategy

S: 10:35pm
E: 11:38pm

[written]

I am trying or I want to write a journal entry for each day. There are a lot of things I want to write about but I will just write about things that are currently on my mind.

I need to sleep soon because tomorrow is my first day of the Social Work program.

I have a radar. Everyone has a radar. The radar tells each person where the most important things are or the priorities of life. I praise God that I have a (mostly) clear radar picture. I have a clear picture because I have wisdom that comes from God.

My life strategy, my niche is that of a tatictian. Different people have their own special niches and my advantage is that, while there is no concentration for me, I can apply it in my day-to-day life.

Seeing things and being able to do those things or tasks are two different things.

[typed]

In one way, I suck at seeing things. Things hit me before I see them coming. That is true of me when I was in basic training in the Army. I see other soldiers doing important things and I don’t understand why they are doing them. Or, I don’t get what my drill segearents teach me while everybody else understands. I have no eyes on my head. I lived day-by-day suffering the consequences of bad surprises.

I suck in the beginning because I did not lose enough before that. Losing can be a great teacher if the person seeks to understand why they have lost. I struggled and thought many times about why I have lost and I found that a recurring theme is that I lacked wisdom. So I asked God to give me wisdom, and not just wisdom, but also strength and courage because these were also reasons why I lost. I sometimes lose because I lack wisdom, other times because I lacked the strength, and still more times because I lacked courage. There are times when I lost and I don’t understand why. Then there are times I lost because I lacked patience.

I am still learning about life. I am still losing a lot. But once I understand why I lost, I can move forward. My current life strategy now is that of a general. I see things impartially and patienctly. I reexamine myself to see what tasks I may have missed. I problem-solve by talking to myself and to God a lot. I am hybrid, knowing that life cannot be inflexible. I live with a combination of logic and feeling knowing that both has its positives and can complement each other. The “feeling” part also includes intuition and instinct. I try to stay calm and aloof because I do not know many things and I need time to plan to make the best decisions. I also know that sometimes, I mean many times, I have to make choices quick, and with wisdom (my radar), I adjust accordingly.

However, I know there are factors outside my control that are negatively affecting me. My appearance, my inborn personality, and my abstinence from I would say popular culture. I do the best I can. I try to shine my color, my light. My favorite color is light-green so I try to shine a light-green light to people. I feel many times, I don’t emit any colors. I try to not show any light, any color.

In life, we must all try. We must all talk to ourselves and to God to be the best person that we can be. To be able to see as much as we could see.

There can be some pleasure in fighting a losing battle, a losing war. It can be a story of resistance. It can be a delay for the enemy. I am still fighting; I am still trying even through it seems like I’m attacked by multiple directions and without help. Even through it seems like I tried everything, tried everything to get help, but in the end, my outreach failed.

People may call me a loser, that I suck, and yet, when I try to imitate them, I reach a glass ceiling. What works for other people doesn’t seem to work for me. I lose even more when I try to become like them.

So I am going to practice hybrid warfare. I am going to live by both logic and reasoning, and also feeling and intuition. I will do my best to have the best radar and to plan and do everything by self-talk and self-talk with God.

That is how I can live. Though I feel like my land is in a desert, that I am cursed, my best strategy is not really a strategy, but of reevaluation and flexibility.

There are many people, angels, watching me. On clouds surrounding us. So, we should put aside the things that burden us and focus on Jesus. That is a Chinese Stream of Praise song that I am listening. So don’t give up or if you do because life is too hard, then fix the highest price for the enemy by fighting to your wits’ end.

4/9/2013: Happenings / God of Justice

4/9/2013: Happenings / God of Justice

S: 9:49pm
E: 10:00pm

Really quick because I’m only giving myself ten minutes. I probably would write like crap lol.

Yesterday, I had a strategic discussion with myself. I realized, on all my fronts (my church, youth group, studies, volunteering for Community Solutions, etc), I have been losing. I looked at each “front” or main issue and I thought about it logically. What can I do to improve it? I’m glad that, despite social isolation, I still have wisdom that comes from God; I still have that light. I realized that it is all pretty hopeless. I decided to stage a “fighting retreat,” which is to simply withdraw my fronts. After all, if I am losing and there’s nothing I can do about it (spend a lot of time thinking solutions), I might as well retreat. And I was thinking about retreating in life as well.

However, today, due to an event and past memories of how God has helped me and how I remembered telling myself that “As long as I can talk to God, I will be content,” one thing I will never withdraw from is talking to God because I realized that everything I get, everything I have, stems from God. Yes, even people. The reason how I can even interact with people is because I have confidence from God.

There’s more that I want to write about my discoveries but I may have to leave it unwritten because of time.

I’m still in the Army; I’m in the Christian Army. This is my duty station, I forgot. I need to spend my time praying and watching, and if God tells me to, to start acting. If the military calls me up then my duty station will be changed. It was at Ft. Sill, it was at Kuwait, and it was at Fort Bliss, and now it is here. I realized everything starts with the spirit. I forgot that but now I remembered. Physical training will be easier if I start with spiritual training first.

Serbia’s national anthem is titled “God of justice.” May the God of justice, the God of mercy, and the God of grace be with me.

2/25/2013

2/25/2013

S: 10:18pm
E: 10:47pm

If I start out my discovery with “Dear Steven” then I will be writing to myself, the “yo” form. If I do that, it would be easier for me to write to myself. But, I can just write without the address and it will be in the “tú” form. I think I use the tú form when I write for most of my discoveries because I naturally believe that I’m writing for others and for myself if I just write. Of course, there is the usted form but if I use that form, then my discovery would be very boring.

I think from now on, I’m just going to write boring day-to-day things. Not all of my posts would be majestic hits. And, I believe, at the present, there is a positive correlation between the amount of journal entries I write and my relationship with God.

About a month ago, I thought about not writing anymore. Why? Because, as I posted on Faithbook, my church youth group, I feel that “everything that has been invented has already been invented.” All my feelings, thoughts, experiences are all there. Someone who reads all my blogs will pretty much know me. There is nothing new under the sun. But, maybe a part of my argument is not true. A person changes over time. I’m not the same person before the Army; I’m not the same person while I was at Kuwait.

I miss my Kuwait days. No, I don’t relish the work or the “missions” I have to go to, although it is a great learning experience. I relish my off-time with God. There is a half-mile track about five minutes from my barrack. I would use that as my prayer-time with God. I would bring my Sansa mp3 player and walk or jog around the track listening and singing with the Christian music. When I pray or talk to God, same thing, I would leave my headphones on and just talk to Him. If people see me, they would think I’m just singing whatever I was hearing. The sky would be dark and there typically isn’t a lot of soldiers around. I would walk around and around enjoying myself with Him. Sometimes, I would even take a walk around our barracks complex and talk to Him, but every time I pass a person, I would lower my prayer to a whisper.

Here in El Paso, I do not have this luxury. Well, I could go to Fort Bliss and walk around and sing but it’s harder and I don’t want to waste gas to drive all the way there. And if I walk around my street, I don’t feel safe. I prefer to do this at night. I am limited to just walking around the confines of my room. Hmm, maybe I can install a 3D-projector and pretend I’m in the jungle or something.

I do have a few stories I want to write about but it isn’t as much as I normally write in a month’s silence. I will begin writing them soon, hopefully tomorrow. If I wait too long, like in a dream, I may forget the details.

12/5/2012: The Serious Side of Jokes

12/5/2012: The Serious Side of Jokes

{S: 7:32pm}  People joke all the time and, believe it or not, I joke a lot, too.  I feel the abstract I wrote on my Facebook wall is my blog.  Haha.

Although people joke all the time, there are some things I will never joke about.  I told myself in the Army that “just because something is funny, doesn’t mean it’s right.”  There are a lot of things that are funny, but evil.  Unfortunately, what is funny to human beings tends to be evil.  Many times, I would think of something that is funny but would then stop myself because I realized that it’s wrong.  But, if I don’t joke soldiers may think something is wrong with me.  But thankfully, I do joke enough and I get my jokes from the “nice” school of jokes.

It should be put out that what people do outwardly, whether it is saying something or doing, tells something about that person.  They are the “fruits” (Luke 6:44) of that person.  Thus, what a person says, no matter if he or she is joking or is trivial, tells something about that person for “out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

If a person is willing to joke negatively about girls, for example, even though that person is joking, it still tells me something about that person.  It tells me his or her inner beliefs.  It should be obvious.

Thus, joking has a serious side.  What people joke, they do in war.  When people can’t do something, they joke about it, but when the opportunity comes, they most likely carry out what they joked about.

Ok, I feel I’m really bad in arguing.  There is a difference between writing passionately and writing because I have to or, in this case, I promised to.  I don’t know.  I feel if I take out the “feelings” in writing, the piece becomes more stale.

Right now, I am working on my ten-page literary criticism research paper.  It is an elephant but I can do it.  I reworked my outline so that I can write on and on without going off-topic.  Thus, my problem is just to write.  There’s so much to write!  I feel the symptoms of a mental breakdown that’s why I can’t write my research paper anymore.  I know my radar; I know myself.  When I feel myself slipping, I take a break.  Sometimes I do “quick-strikes” and other times I do “general battles” on my research paper.  Like “Soldier’s Home” by Ernest Hemingway, almost everything I do is like war.

+

So, in this section, I want to write about feelings.  I want to will myself to love quiet time because I feel it is in quiet time that I make the most difference.  I fight on my knees.  That means I fight in prayer.  But, realistically, I don’t just fight on my knees.  I spend more time walking around or going prone than on my knees.  It is a great gift, a great relief, to have the ability to give all my worries and cares to God because “he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).  When I feel stressed out, I can just talk to God what’s bothering me and I will feel much better.  It takes time; it develops overtime on the spiritual journey to have this release.

I feel I am like a social worker now.  I am helping my cousin but I feel sometimes there is only so much I can do.  I feel like that person can’t be helped.  I feel like I have been helping that person for so long now and that person is just looking at their past that they don’t see the future and no matter how hard I tried, they still look back.  Well, part of it is my fault.  I myself didn’t look at the future clearly enough.  If I did, I would have had that person apply for aid.  I am still so inexperienced in this world.  But I don’t let my inexperience hinder me from having the wisdom and the courage to attempt to help others.  The only way to gain experience, unfortunately, is to fight.  By fighting, I mean I can fight either by reading books about it or by actually doing it, but, I cannot just try to run or hide from it.  {E: 8:11pm}

11/29/2012: Wong

11/29/2012: Wong

{S: 6:11am}  I just thought of her.  There is this girl named Wong.  She is a 14T, a Patriot missile control operator.  Back in advanced individual training (AIT), she was one of the shortest girls.  You should see her carry her M-16.  The weapon was almost taller than her!  It was so cute.

I was really nervous talking to her because I am really nervous talking to girls I like.  The few times I talked to her at the dining facility (DFAC), I learned, to my disappointment, that she only speaks Cantonese.

When I got to my unit after training, she was also in my same battalion.  One day, when I went to El Paso Chinese Baptist Church in late 2009, I saw her!  She talked to me and told me she has yeast infection.  I didn’t know what to say; I thought yeast infection came naturally.  I didn’t want to lose respect so I behaved all rationally and coldly.  I merely listened to her and went on my way.  I didn’t know it was probably a cry for help.

I met her a few weeks later, before I deployed to Kuwait.  She asked if I needed a ride to church.  I forgot how I responded but I remember that I hid my feelings from her.  I believe she got the impression that I don’t care about her anymore because of what she did.

Later, I found out through my ears that she had sex with five guys in one night.

I asked my church members about her after I returned from Kuwait and I think one or two of them remembered the description of the girl I was talking about.  They told me she went to Bible study before.  I talked to Waley about her and sometimes he told me he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and other times he remembered her.  But, he told me that “she just.. disappeared.”  I talked to soldiers in her battery and they told me she went to another base.  I tried to find her on online but I couldn’t.  That is the end of my contact with her.

Miriam, in the Pixar movie The Prince of Egypt, said that “they” which means the Egyptians, can take away their dignity and “even our lives,” but they cannot take away our spirit.  The Army, or to put it in a broader perspective, human beings, can take away almost everything: our dignity, our time, our freedom, our virginity, but they cannot take away, if we don’t allow them to, our spirit.

Like that “New York” song when “good girls” become “bad,” a girl has to be prepared to lose everything when she joins the Army, or anywhere where intense human natures flourish.  I almost lost everything in the Army but I was able to cling on to God.  Soldiers tell me that the Army is supposed to “break you down and then build you back up.”  Well, human nature, and I know from the Bible that it is inherently sinful, cannot be completely broken down except by Jesus Christ at the cross.  {E: 7:04am}

8/15/2012: Room Decoration

8/15/2012: Room Decoration

{S: 8:57am} In my past rooms, such as my barracks room in the Army and my current room which I am leaving soon, I would put pictures I love and care about around the walls.  To copy from the Army, they have a “Chain of Command” board in almost every military building.  In each Chain of Command board, it would show people who are important to this military unit where the building is, starting from the top, who is President Obama, to the bottom, who is the first sergeant of the company or battery.  I would be forced to remember their names, such as “Who is your brigade commander?” Or “Who is the CSM of FORCOM?”, people who are unimportant to me but I will be punished if I don’t remember their names.  A year ago, I decided to take this concept into my own life and I posted pictures of people I care about and love so I can remember them, and if necessary, pray for them.  They would be almost exclusively from my Christian family.  The pictures are in black-and-while because it saves money on printer ink and also because I just want to recognize them; it doesn’t have to be showy.

However, I have been told that it makes the people on the pictures uncomfortable and it scares them.  So, this is how I’m going to decorate my new room..  Instead of people, I will be putting angels and cherubs.  People, including me, are sinful and they judge too much.  Instead, I will aim for perfection.  I will put angels and cute cherubs.  They will be at the sky level.  At the ground level, I’ll put trees and flowers, the wonderful world God has made, and, at the ceiling, I may put the stars.  Maybe human painters depicted angels as children because in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we have to be like a little child (Luke 18:17).

I also thought about this idea when, yesterday, Susan came to Michelle’s house and talked about interior design.  I think she told me Josh would make his own tree out of scrap material and put glow-in-the dark stars at the ceiling to imitate a night sky.  I remembered when I was deployed in Kuwait, I brought star stickers and placed them at the ceiling to try to imitate a starry night.  However, I didn’t decorate my room a lot because I’m afraid what other soldiers would think and I’m afraid of the Army regulations.

But now, I can be myself and decorate my room to create a little place of peace in the midst of chaos.  {E: 9:44am}

4/6/2011: Protecting Her

4/6/2011: Protecting Her

S: 6:41pm

E: 7:29pm

On Tuesday, my section (Relay) had a new member. She is white, eighteen years-old, engaged, and fresh out of AIT. Her face features reminds me somewhat of the girl I used to love. Looking at her and knowing what my section does the past few days made me want to protect her.

It’s sad, but today after lunch, I almost couldn’t handle it. I left the relay office and stayed at the empty hallway. It had almost come to a point where I either step forward and attack (as sometimes I did in Kuwait), or take a step back and withdraw (in the Army before Kuwait). I know the consequences of stepping back and withdrawing. My light grows dim; I would not fully express what the normal Christian life with nonbelievers (peace, love, forgive, pray) should be. I would be a bad example of a role-model to them if I just slink away and withdraw myself. No! When battle comes, when darkness comes, I must not retreat; I must fight! Yet, stepping forward and attacking made me very nervous. What if I mess up? What if I say something that is unwise and they capitalize on it (ex. Kuwait)? What if they ask a question that I couldn’t answer? What if? The only way I can step forward and attack (not attack them but the evil that comes from them) is if God’s Presence is with me. I need what Moses had when he led the Israelites: That he won’t go another step without the presence of God. If God is for me, then yes, I can fight. I prayed for strength, courage, but above all, for wisdom. I need God’s wisdom in this situation. I was thinking about bursting inside the office and trying to start a revival, but I know I must ask God for wisdom first. The call for revival must be clear; I can’t do it just because I feel like it.

Why did it come to this? Because almost everyone in my section (they all come from Qutar; I came from Kuwait), delights in evil. They love to joke around talking about anything regardless if it’s evil or not. They demean women and calling them “bit*hes” or “wh*res.” They talk about doing all sorts of evil things not only to women, but to almost everyone. They discuss evil plans just because it’s “funny.” Sure, if you ask them, they will just say they are joking around. Can’t they joke around and have some fun? I’m not against joking, in fact if it is pure, I’m all for it. I love to laugh, smile, and have a good time, but only if it is within the framework of the Bible, for I know that ultimate pleasure comes from God. There is one person in particular that is causing this mess, two soldiers that say evil and feed off each other. Almost every word he says in the office is a joke and almost every other sentence he says is offensive. He loves to talk and he talks the whole time. These people in my office don’t like silence. I love silence because I can listen to my inner voice and to God’s voice. His roommate, when I used to know him, was a quiet, nice, helpful person. Now, he still has these qualities, but with the troublemaker, he became similar to him. They love to joke and anything that is funny, regardless if it is wrong or not, they will say. There is no boundary that they will not say. Actually, there is, and only because society limits them and not from themselves. It’s sad. I know these people have hard lives in the past, but that’s still no excuse for their behavior.

In the office, there is so much evil talk that I can’t focus. I either try to sleep or pray. Some people, when they talk, they talk as if they had authority, and it’s sad that in my case, it is the troublemakers. I decided, at one time this morning, to get a sheet of paper and write over and over “Give me strength, give me courage, and above all, give me wisdom.” I have to fight against this evil from infecting my mind. Sometimes I laugh at their evil jokes but only because I’m human. When possible, I always try to pray for these people. I pray that they can have hope because I remember that it is hope that kept me alive and have a close relationship with Him. I pray that they can have the gift of salvation because my pastor at church told us that the feeling of repentance is a gift of salvation and comes from God. Praise God that I have this gift so I may have hope. I also pray that God can write His Law into their hearts. God will do that to the Israeli people and they will seek Him.

For my battle plan, I need to continue to pray for them, in and out of work, that they can have hope. I also need to continue to love them and help them if they need help. For their conversations, I will try to join in but to remain blameless before God. We cannot be silent in the face of evil. I will still be their friend and develop positive relationships. Hopefully, with God’s help, I can someday bring them to repentance. I told the troublemaker yesterday riding in his car that “the pleasure of girls is nothing compared to the pleasures of God.”

Praise God that yesterday, she came to me in the DFAC, and asked for more information. The conversation developed into getting mailboxes since we both need them. I talked to her along the way and we discussed about our lives. Her husband-to-be is also in the military and she wanted to be a nurse. She asked more questions about going to college in the Army and I told her my experiences with online college while in Kuwait. I also warned her about the jokes our section makes and especially about the troublemaker. She seemed sweet, nice, but also innocent.

This weekend, most of my section is going to a theme park to play. I’ve been there before with the battery, so I know that it’s clean. Even though I cannot join in with them when they are talking evil, I still need to love them and be with them because God loves them. I pray that they can have hope. Hopefully, they will have hope.

11/30/2010: Back to Basic

11/30/2010: Back to Basic

 

S: 6:51pm

E: 7:07pm

 

 

Life recently, has been very hard for me. I felt like giving up. I cry. On my bed, I even contemplated suicide. However, I realized, when going to dinner chow, that no matter how hard my life may be, it will never be as hard as basic training.

 

The drill sergeants got it right. By making the entry of Army life for a soldier hard as hell, that drill sergeant is actually teaching the soldier to be prepared for anything. And for me, that anything includes hardship, suffering, both from my body and by people around me. I can still remember vividly my many experiences in basic and a lot of soldiers can remember it too. One of the topics we talk about in guard duty is our experiences in basic training. The hardest part of my life, and I guess the hardest part of anyone’s life has to be in basic.

 

I suffered so much, I got made fun of so much, I got cursed at, misunderstood, misjudged, cussed at, tormented, got tired, but with all that, I also had God. And it was God who helped me through it. Every spare time I had is spent sleeping or reading the book of Psalms. “I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust’” (Psalms 91:2). “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Psalms 91:1). “You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance” (Psalms 32:7). “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Psalms 118:6).

 

Now that life has gotten harder, I should not give up. I should not wish I have more free time. What I really want is a life where I can worship and give glory to God continually. Of course, I cannot do that. I need to be strong, to be humble, and to wait on the Lord. I need to pretend that my life right now is like basic training although it is a lot easier. I need to serve God and love people. I need to have a basic mentality.

12/28/09: About Baptism

12/28/09: About Baptism

 

Another thing that concerns me is baptism. I would feel more comfortable if it was just Jesus, Pastor John, and me there. As private as possible because if it’s open, I’m afraid people would not attend it. I’m afraid people would judge me because so few of them would attend my baptism. That might reinforce the fact that I’m not popular, or socially adept. It might bring the “who cares about Steven” mentality.

No, the truth is, I feel hurt when I’m not treated equally as others. Only this time, it’s my fault since I was really introverted and closed to my church before I joined the Army. I don’t want to know the truth because the truth hurts. I already know I’m unpopular. I already know that nobody cares about me equally. It’s painful enough. I don’t want to see the consequences of it. There are times when I just want to give trying to be with people and kill myself since without others I cannot survive. I tried going alone in the Army and it nearly drove me crazy. I was on the verge of death until I decided to take the guts to reconnect with God’s family. I might as well know the truth before I die, but I was wrong. I received many e-mails from my church asking how I was doing. Then, when I made a facebook account, I was surprised at the results. I am a lot closer to reality now, and I know the truth. People treat me differently at church because I am still an outsider. And I probably always will be. It’s painful; another thorn I have to endure.

But then, there are many times I tell myself: who cares? The only person I need is Jesus. With God, all things are possible. I can go through life alone with Jesus. I tried it. I can’t. I still sin against God. I needed Christians to help me spiritually against the forces of darkness (esp. flesh).

This is why I’m thinking, forget it. I don’t need to be baptized here. There are too many social repercussions for me. It’s too painful. And even if the people treated me equally, I might not be able to stand it, since I wasn’t used to it. But then, life is all about stepping outside the comfort zone and trusting in God. I tell myself frequently that many times, I can’t do it, but I will do it anyways because I trust in God and God will take care of me. And yes, God did take care of me even though sometimes it was in the end.

Then, another issue is, am I ready to be baptized? God helped me so much in the Army, I cannot deny it. I can write stories after stories about what the Lord had done for me. But, I still sin against God. Many times, I still choose to follow the desires of my flesh instead of God. I would be in conflict and agony until I give up to my flesh. Then, I would be in agony again because of it. I continue to follow God, I continue to seek Him, because I need Him, and He created me. My spirit says yes, but my flesh says no.

Lastly, I”m still thinking whether to make facebook a picture of my Dorian Gray, but it could be too embarrassing for me.

10-24-09

10-24-09

S: 8:26pm
E:

Everyday is a day of weakness for me. I know. Life in this world no supposed to be roses all the way, and for me, life will just be full of suffering. People ask me why I join the Army. I answer them by saying I serve the Lord. I joined the Army to serve the Lord. But it’s painful to just see earthly defeats all the time. It’s hard to take it, hard to bear. I get tired, weak easily. I tend to run out of breath easily, probably thanks to my past Army life. I did what I can, I did my best given my weaknesses and ability at that time.

It’s okay if men ride over me. I am not on this world to defend myself. I am here simply to trust and obey God. If he leads me to Shoel, so be it, he is my God and my King. I will still trust and obey him. There is no other way.

What really got me was tonight’s ground guiding. I am just not talented, not skilled enough to do my job. Despite my best efforts, I mess up so much. It’s depressing to feel the pain and the shame and the suffering that comes as a result of my actions, actions I have viturally no control over. It’s okay, because God is in control of my actions. He knows me more than I know myself.

You know, I feel I am not good at anything. Is there anything I can say that I’m good at and is recongized by people? Nothing. Even in computer games, many people still beat me. In fact, I am probably one of the weaker players. It would be much closer to the truth to say that I suck at everything. And everything military related I tend to suck. Shooting, I can’t shoot. I suck at PT. I have trouble listening. I have trouble speaking. I have trouble communicating. People don’t really trust my abilities. I suck at driving, ground guiding, etc. I suck at doing my crew drills despite my efforts to improve myself.

I take solace that the only thing I don’t suck at is my attributes, my character. I feel that I am good at enduring, patience. Everyday, I have to endure the shame, pain, troubles, burdens of myself. I have to endure this weak body of mine. I am good at being pure. I refuse to sin. I refuse to give in to sin. I refuse to gain temperortary by sinning. I refuse to take pleasures of sin for a season.. At least right now. I am good at showing respect because I respect God. Because I respect God, I have respect for earthly authorties. I am good at being kind, nice, and loving to others. Of course. God taught me to love Him and to love men. I lend freely, I take the loss myself, for I know my treasures are in heaven.

I guess what matters more is the fruits of the Spirit. It is better to be good in character than to be good in talent.

Still, I look at my peers. They are so much more talented, quicker than me. They know this world much more than me. I want to be like them. The drawback? They are evil. They follow the desires of their flesh, its lusts. I cannot do that. I cannot love the world because if I do, the love of God is not in me.

I feel I can write still so much. Yet, I have other things to do. Time is short, perhaps it is already up. But I know that God holds tomorrow. I am weak but He is strong.