11/5/2012: Peace

11/5/2012: Peace

{S: 8:58pm}  I want to write but I don’t want to spend too much time writing.  Once my time is up, I will stop writing abruptly.

If stuttering is my outside problem, then lack of peace is my inner problem.  I worry so much, I get so nervous that sometimes I have trouble speaking.  I think aside from that, something is wrong with my Boca’s area (an area in the brain).  I started stuttering when I reached puberty.  Watchman Nee, a great evangelist in China, wrote that every physical problem also has its roots in a spiritual problem.  If leprosy is Naaman’s physical problem (2 Kings 5:10-5), then pride is his spiritual problem.

I didn’t want to go to church yesterday.  On Saturday, I was thinking under what conditions will I be able to go to church.  I didn’t want to go because I feel some of its members don’t want me there and because I feel powerless to change things.  Then I thought about bringing my cross.  The big wooden cross from Kuwait.

In the Army, the rifle is probably the most important piece of equipment a soldier can have.  I remember in basic training, sometimes I sleep with my rifle because I heard rumors that the drill sergeants stealthily steal the soldier’s weapon and then punish him for it.  Anywhere we soldiers go, our rifle goes with us.  Likewise, the reason why I go to church is because of Jesus, is because of the cross.  What comforted me and stilled my inner conflict is the idea of bringing my cross to church and treating it like my rifle.  If I am somehow too afraid to carry out this plan, my escape plan is to wear my green cross necklace which I also got from Kuwait and wearing it around my neck so people can see.  I want people and also myself to see that the reason why I come to church is because of Jesus.  If they ignore or ostracize me, I can always hug my cross like a doll.

Then, I thought of a better plan.  I can live my life with peace, peace that this world cannot give but only Jesus can give (John 14:27).  I realized that I don’t have peace, and thus, faith.  I worry too much, I always think I have to fight; to be an activist, that if I don’t fight or am passive, then things will change for the worse.  To be sure, as Christians, we do need to fight, but we fight under Christ’s orders.  God always knows everything and everything is under His control.  I will fight, but I need to fight with peace inside, knowing that our times and this world are in God’s hands.

As I am applying this concept in my life: that I shouldn’t worry so much because my times are in God’s hands (Psalms 31:15), I began to feel more carefree and relaxed.  I tell myself to speak slowly because then I will have more peace.  I don’t look at every little detail anymore because I will have more peace.  God already knows.  I focus on what is in my power and what I can control and change instead of worrying about everything because I will have more peace because God is in control.  I know that if I die, I still have eternal life.  {E: 9:50pm}

“乃縵啊, 乃縵, 如果大麻風是你身上的病, 那驕傲就是你心裡的病” (以利沙-睡夢鄉).


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