I haven’t been writing any journals lately so I feel I should write one. A lot of changes had happened and many of them I do not understand.
First off, why? Why do they still love me? If only my sponsored children did not write to me; if only they ignored me, it would be much easier to cancel my sponsorship. I wrote to all them once, and I included some stickers and pictures of me and after that, my letters from them increased dramatically. I just opened one child from Sri Lanka and he drew a full colored picture of trees and.. I can’t look. It’s too painful.
The reason why I seriously considered cancelling all my sponsorships is simply because of my financial situation. I lost almost half of my savings these past few months helping people. I have enough on my hands. I am trying, to increase my income, to cut aid. I plan to still support World Vision, but only by giving one-time donations when I can afford to. I need to save my money when I get out of the Army and into college.
But I changed. When listening to “Little Dream” by Stream of Praise, I changed my plan from “cancel all sponsorships” to “write to all your sponsored children.” Amen. I must still give because that little bit of money means life to them.
Another thing I have an issue with is computer games. I obtained three key games I am planning to keep. Each of these games covers an area of my desire. I have a strategy (Ceasar III), action (Unreal Tournment), and RPG (Diablo II), and I promised myself that every day, I will only play “one-shot” on only one game. That one-shot is simply a checkpoint so I can end the game and it is almost always less than an hour. What did I do yesterday, the day I made that plan? My body broke it. I played all three of them for the rest of the evening and night. After playing, I deleted all these games and told myself I will not play anymore. I will give all my longing to God.
But today, I reinstalled Diablo II simply because I have a huge urge to. It’s not working, my body and my spirit are always in a constant war. My body refuses to be a servant to the spirit but my spirit is too weak to win over the body. So, now, I adopted a new plan. God doesn’t accept any compromises so I will never compromise. In the military, we have COB, which is “close-out” formations. Typically, an hour or so before, everyone prepares to end the day. I adopted this into my life. Since it’s hard for me to sleep at night right after doing something, I set an hour before hand to prepare myself to sleep. That means to pray, read, listen, clean, etc so my mind is ready to sleep. I decided to carry this further. An hour before I conduct my close-out, I forbid myself from playing any more games. That time will be given to more useful things and, hopefully, all to God.
I must seek Him; I must follow Him. I am, right now, in my moment of weakness, but if I put everything to God, I will be strong and courageous and have wisdom. He still gives me help, miracles to help and save my life.
A few days after writing that discovery, I called World Vision to cancel all my child sponsorships (yes, all nine of them). I was a bit upset that it’s so easy to choose to “sponsor” a child but a lot harder to “unsponsor” (have to call them) them. I called and she asked me why I decided to unsponsor. I told her “I’m in the military but I will be leaving soon and need to save money.” I said “sorry” numerous times even though I was the one giving. She sniffed and told me “thank you” for all the donations I have given so far.
It’s horrible. I should have written to each of my sponsored child that I would be leaving; I should have informed them. I have already sent them pictures of me and my childhood and gave them stickers. I learned from the Community Solutions volunteer training that it is VERY bad to mentor a child and then “disappear” high and dry. It traumatizes the child. It’s horrible. I went back to my World Vision page to see if my children are still on there so I can write to them, but it is already gone. God gave me the gift of generosity but to give so much (I have been giving to others so much that I am practically broke) requires faith and I lack the faith to continue giving. I want to give; it is more blessed to give than to receive, but I can’t.
I ask God to give me strength, courage, and wisdom so that I can give others the same so they can come closer to God. God gave me the gift of generosity and I ask God to give me so I can give to others. However, it requires a close walk with God and as soon as I stray from it, I can hurt people who rely on me.
I remember an internet “choose you own adventure” Christian game. The main character is “Christian” and I remembered feeling so gung-ho with my Armor of God that I decided to go off the path to do something. Immediately my armor and sword disappeared and I became very weak. The blessings of God also requires a close relationship with Him.