6/20/2011: I’m Sorry | Part II
I need to finish my part II today or else my memory may turn fuzzy and I may forget some details. I hate writing this but I feel I need to because it helps and reminds me to grow in God. I think from now on, I’m not writing any more discoveries unless it is spiritually important. Unless God tells me to write them. I don’t want to show off. The greatest must be the least.
So it’s Saturday night (11 June). I’m in my room sitting in front of my laptop. Suddenly, my body feels so horny. I thought to myself, it’s not going to hurt if I check a little porn. I’ll just make it fast, go to sleep, so I can have the energy to go to church tomorrow. So that’s what I did. I went on the Internet, browsed a few pictures, and masturbated. I remember on that dark night, Satan told me that I’m not hurting anyone; that it’s just a little harmless thing. However, deep inside, I know it’s wrong because the Bible says it’s wrong but my bodily desires diminished that conscience.
It was later that night, yes it was past midnight and I still didn’t go to sleep, that I realized the truth. I felt horrible. I always feel horrible right after I do an evil thing, any evil thing. I realized that by sinning against God, I not only hurt myself, I also hurt the body of Christ. Just think about this: Because I checked pornography and I didn’t go to sleep until like 2-3am, I refused to go to church. How can I go to church right after I’ve done an evil thing? And by not going to church, I also hurt people there, people I could have supported by being there. That is why I titled this discovery as “I’m Sorry.” As the Bible says, when one part of the body suffers, the whole part suffers (1 Corinthians 12:26). By sinning against God, I lose the potential to do good. I lose the potential of what I could do and what I could be. The Bible is filled with characters who lose their God-given potential because they decided to have it their own way. Abraham and Sarah doubted God’s promise for them to have a son when Abraham agreed to Sarah suggestion that he lay with Hagar, Sarah’s maidservant. Sarah at that time was old and barren. It is impossible for them to have children by physical means, however, God told them He can do the impossible.
Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son.” (Genesis 18:13-4)
King David also sinned when he murdered Uriah and took his wife, Bathsheba. King David had great potential. The Lord said to him through Nathan the prophet:
“You are the man! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delievered you from the hand of Saul. I have your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms… And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. Why did you despite the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes?” (2 Samuel 12:7-9)
However, he lost some of his potential by sinning against God. His firstborn son died.
Same with King Saul. He sinned against God by not obeying His command to completely destroy the Amalekites. As a result, he lost his potential to be king. King Saul lost his kingship because he refused to fully obey God!
Same thing with me. When I look though my life, when I look through my life in high school and college, I realized how much I could have been if I remained faithful to God. I realized how much potential I could have become. Why did I lose all that potential? Because I chose to sin (yes, pornography was one reason for my downfall) and I did not give my all to God. When we sin, there are earthy and heavenly consequences. We lose our potential of what we could be, of what God wants us to be.
So on Sunday, I did not go to church. Instead, I decided to sin more because I thought, since I already sinned against God, I might as well sin more. It’s over for me. That is a trick Satan likes to use. He wants us to commit just one sin and then use that one sin as an excuse for us to sin more. “Hey, you already failed. Why not just go all-out? You have nothing to lose.”
So Sunday was another bad day. When night-time came, I begged God to give me another chance, to make tomorrow easier so I can rest (I did not sleep well), and repent to God.
Praise God on Monday, June 13, we had a half-day. I was able to get some rest and talk to God. It was on Monday when I realized another truth. For two months now, I have been playing an online mass-strategy game called eRepublik. In that game, you choose and fight for your country, which for me, is Israel. When I started playing, eIsrael was on the map. However, other enemies attacked her and hope is all but gone. There was an e-newspaper I read that tells eIsraelis to not give up but to fight on and that though[the enemies] can wipe us off the map they can never destroy our spirit. When I remembered that e-newspaper, I realized a truth. Even though I sin against God, I will still choose to follow Him. Despite my sin and after every sin, I must still choose to turn back to God.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my potion forever” (Psalms 73:26).
That from now on, it doesn’t matter if I sin, if I fail, because I will sin and I will fail, but what matters is I will always turn back to God. I will always choose to follow the Lord.
Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. (Micah 7:8)
So Steven, when you sin, don’t run from Him, don’t give up and sin more. Just come back to God and ask for forgiveness. Always run back to your Father’s arms.