There’s nothing like God to help me remember my promises. I was thinking about sending the girl I love a letter asking her to forgive me and lets be friends again. Also, I want to ask her if she still wants me. If not, I was going to break my love for her to try to find someone else. Life is hard for me and I need somebody whom I can talk to about anything. A girl who loves God and me unconditionally. I was thinking about going to dating websites to look for the girl I want, but before I could do that, He intervened. Well, not really God himself, but He does work through people. I was walking into the mechanics room when the people there just happened to talk about girls and how they got a piece of them (freaken messed up!). They asked about me, what are my conquests. I said that because there is a girl I love, I cannot do that. I cannot be unfaithful to her. Then, when I was leaving to go to our area, I passed by a couple soldiers at a water point who asked me how I was doing. I told them I came back from Taiwan from leave. Immediately after that, he asked if I had great sex there. I told them there is already a girl I love and I cannot do such things. He said I’m missing out on life. Well, it’s okay, let’s see who misses out in the end :). It’s always God to remind me of my promises. Whether I get her or not, I will dedicate my life to God and any children I have from her will be given to God (just like how Hannah dedicated Samuel).
I also told my remarkable story about my career path to my close friend. I told him about how I found my career choice and although he didn’t say anything about my part-time street ministry, he said he could see me as a special education teacher. I told him I love children, I love people, and I love helping those who are unwanted, unloved, and despised by society. I want to fight those who fight against them and contend those who contend with them (Psalms 35:1).
I want to start college again, but there is one big roadblock and this is why I really need somebody whom I can talk to about anything without being unloved or rejected. I want unconditional love from a person. I’m afraid that if I restart college again, and when I trust in God in my work, what if I get poor grades? What if I do my work by faith and give it to God and get a “D” or “F?” Does that mean God is rejecting me? Against me? Did I do something wrong? I know what I should do. These things are not important. God is the ultimate judge. Man may give me my grades but it is God who controls my destiny. No matter what I do, the battle belongs to the Lord (Provb. 21:31). If I get an “A” or a “F” I should give glory to God. I can write blah blah blah but if I’m doing God’s will than Amen Hallelujah Hallelujah Amen. I should see not what man sees, but what God sees. But, you see, it’s so hard. I hate being judged by men when I’m giving the task to God. I’m afraid I might be so self-conscious about my work because I want to get good grades that I would just freeze and not turn in my work at all. Like what happened last time. If I turn in my work, it would be like crap because I didn’t spend enough time on it. I should still say “The Lord is just” (2 Chron. 12:6) and accept whatever grade I get. Again, men my give me the grade, but God controls my destiny.
This leads on to another thing. I really need someone whom I can talk to unconditionally and who can provide me spiritual help and guidance. Somebody to walk though life with me. I need a battle buddy to walk though my valley of the shadow of death. But, I think I find that I already have such resource. I have Facebook. I have friends who care about me and who loves me. They can see what is going on with my life. They can pray for me. They can help me and give me guidance. They can cheer and encourage me. I wrote that Facebook, to me, is also like an accountability system for me. If I do something evil or wicked, I have to report it on Facebook because it’s the truth. I don’t want to do evil because I’m afraid people would know, but, even more, there are people who trust and count on me. What matters is not giving up on God. Keep trying, knowing that Jesus’ blood will cover all your sins.
Okay, I guess this is it for today, but I still can’t go back on Facebook. People judge each other way too much. I’m just afraid to go back on. Every time I go on Facebook, I always minimize the window and pray before seeing the results. I have to be spiritually prepared every time I go on Facebook.
If I fail let me fail obeying and loving God. Yeah!