6/17/2010: Ta zai gan shen me

6/17/2010

 

S: 3:47pm

E: 5:13pm

 

Okay, I got some time now. I’m not feeling very alert or good today. When I woke up this morning, I had a sore throat. Later, I learned that one of my bunkmates had strip throat. My NCO’s told me to visit the TMC first thing tomorrow.

 

Do other people know that something is wrong with me? Probably, but it is so subtle that they think it is something minor. I can still think, talk, do everything rationally. I am still myself with people. The only notable difference is that I am more passive but not enough to justify that something is wrong with me.

 

Every day I would pray, sing, and ask God for help. Deep inside, I don’t want to die, but if I cannot follow God completely, then I will die. It’s either follow God or no follow God.

 

I am also sinning and becoming weak to temptations every day. However, they are always the problems I struggled with. Any problems that isn’t a part of me (wanted to say “old” but I can’t) is not affecting me. In a way, I am still resisting temptation. I avoid looking at pretty girls, thinking instead of the girl I love (hehe, I wish). I refuse to listen to sinful sexualized music, listening to only good, pure, Christian music although I am starting to listen to some popular music I really like (ex. Backstreet boys, Creed, Shaina Twain, etc). I listen to a lot of 睡夢鄉 children music. Listening to these Christian Chinese music cheers me up and gives me a feeling of hope. Hope is just around the corner :) . I wish.

 

Yes, I am sinning against God a lot. I am playing computer games unhindered. I would go on-line to premium gaming websites to download games. I would stay late at my workplace and only go back because I might have to wait longer for the bus. After playing these games, I would ask myself: “Wow, I should have spent my time with God. What am I doing?”

 

And then, I am really afraid to write this, but I must tell the truth, I would check pornography. It’s very difficult to do so without getting caught. That’s one reason why I would stay late at work because all my soldiers would leave for dinner. I’m so messed up. Let God be the judge. I struggled with this problem back in 7th grade when I heard suggestions from my friends.

 

I remember one frightening moment when I started checking pornography. Back then, it was softcore-only. I was just fascinated and shocked. I would check Japanese, Asian porn back then. I would get upset if I can’t see more because I have to pay. As I was checking porn, my parents sneaked through the back hallway and looked through my window. I was scared to death. I just froze; luckily, the girl on my screen was just posing. I hear my mom whispering “Ta zai gan shen me (translation: What is he doing)?” I kind of glanced at them with the corner of my eye. I can’t confront them, but I could pretend that I didn’t notice them. They left shortly but my dilemma was just beginning. Every time I check porn, I would do a 360 security. I would check my window every few seconds and even get up to see if anybody is sneaking up at me. When my parents are making dinner, they would sometimes go to the back hallway to pick some food. I would be extremely cautions and sometimes get pissed off at them because they are trying to torture me. I would use any opportunity when my parents are gone to check porn. But, on the outside, I am a quiet, shy, nice, friendly person. I know it’s wrong, but I just can’t help it. I would pray, cry, do anything to force myself from this destructive habit. I failed. Of course, I may be clean for a few weeks or even a month but every once in a while a temptation goes through my defenses and I fall into sin again. There is one thing I did not do, that, looking back, I should have done. I should have asked for help. Not my parents, because they would misunderstand and destroy my life, but God’s family. I should have told my church about my problem, but I was afraid. Am I the only one with the problem? Will my church condemn me? I remember a sermon when Ben Ku was talking about pornography. He told us he would open some e-mails and they would link to a porn site. He would check it out. He said it was horrible. I could feel him, I’m glad I’m not alone, but for some reason, I did not ask for help. It’s okay for him to share his life experience and temptations because he is a pastor and he overcame his weaknesses, but not for me, I reasoned, because I am not prominent in my church. And I’m afraid my church would reject me. It seems all the boys my age had no troubles. When I started high school, I stopped going to church because I was angry at myself and at God. Later, I am convinced that the God in the Bible is the true God thanks to Christian websites that explained scientific objections (my favorite: Evidence of God from Science (http://www.godandscience.org). Also, my biology teacher, Dr. Jang, talked about the existence of God in his classes. He would say, “what’s on top of this mountain?” a slight pause, “.. fish fossils..” and so on.

 

Okay, well, I guess now is time to play some more computer games (oh no!), or, if I have the strength, I would spend my game time for God. Right now, I should be spending every free minute of my time praying and pleading with Him for hope, help, and comfort. I want to choose life, so I may live, but if I can’t follow God, I must die.

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