6/5/04

{written diary}

Steven [last name omitted]’s Discovery

6/5/04

But no!! Oh by the way, today is Annas birthday, (Canaan [last name omitted]’s tennis partner)  But no!  (lol)  how about tennis, chess, gutair, reading…  Heh, let me just take my time refuting each one of them.  For tennis, its only limited.  First, only when I have energy, second when I am no that afraid of people and third when I feel like it.  For games, its universal, I can play games anytime, not just when I feel like it.  In fact, It will be addiction if I feel like playing games!  For chess, I have to feel like it, and I suck and I have to turn on my comp.  I might even play games instead because it is easier.  For gutair, I sort of gave up on that.  Even through I told Jack (6-4-04) at lunch that I play if I feel like it, I don’t feel like it anymore.  Plus I suck and it makes noise.  I don’t want anyone but myself to listen to this newbie playing.  He sucks like shit.  How I have to eat dinner.  My dad told me to….  See you!
Forget about the time, just put the date….  I really want a date…. damn!  Ok, I’m back.  I was just about to start playing Romancing Saga for SNES on my computer put my comp froze.  Maybe even my comp is telling me that I am wasting my time.  I need to write neater so I will now write slower but my thoughts are spilling faster than I could type.  You know, I really do and do hate myself.  I messed everything up.  Girlfriends, Friends, and others.  Especially girlfriends.  I keep messing up and killing myself.  If only I knew…  I only I tried this…  If only I said this or that or keep my mouth shut..  If only I do this instead of that..  If only I feel better…  If only….  I can write a mol of “If onlys:”  I haven’t done a thing right.  I know that is wrong because everyone must have done something right.  Also, I don’t understand why I am so attracted to girls.  I feel attracted to so many girls it’s driving ,me crazy.  Look how messed up I am.  Add to that all those crazy additions.  I must be having schoolgirl fever.  I’m so messed up.  I’m glad my room or dad’s computer doesn’t have any internet connection.  All I need right now is a dependable girlfriend.  If only Canaan is Jessica [last name].  That would be wonderful, but no.  Gosh, how hard is it for me to get a girlfriend.  If I can make boyfriends, then why not girlfriends?  What is wrong with me!  No one cares about me, but I am still going to care about them.  No one loves me but I will still love them.  Why?  Because hate is too much to bear.  It takes so much energy from me.  But it seems like most ppl (not 100% of corse) want me to treat them as an enemy.  The success story I did to Bobby [last name] needs to be continued and maintained.  Everytime something good happens, I thank God for it if I remember it.  I know that I should not admire my own physical body, but that’s what I’m doing right now.  I know it is wrong.  But I can’t help it.  I’m trying….  It takes time to break a bad habit.  Right now, I’m tired so I better go to sleep.  G-night.  I might never find my love!

*All errors are from original.

 

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