2017.2.12: MDWG / To Try
A good habit is to write. Writing is better than memory because while memories fade, what is written, assuming it is not destroyed, remains. Or at least, it lasts a lot longer than memory.
I could write many things today. Even in the times when I don’t feel like writing, I, deep inside, can still find something to write. To write is a gift, to type is a gift. Do not take anything for granted. Do not take your freedom, Steven, for granted.
I read somewhere that if I talk to people, to girls especially, to talk more deeply. Instead of saying “how is your day” and superficial stuff like that, why not ask deeper questions or statements like “What are your future plans,” or “What are three values that are most important to you?” Wow, like the technology tree in Master of Orion, we need to look for advice from others and especially from God to live a fuller life. Actually scratch that. The most perfect way, I still believe, is to get advice only from God and His Word. He will give you divine revelation, either through Him or representatives of Him. But, failing that, the next best is to be open to advice, to learn, to gain wisdom, but with the lens of God and His Word.
I bombed my first Calculus exam today. Shell methods, wash method, area between two curves, length of an arctangent curve, work and force, centroids, moments of mass, etc. It seems like in almost every problem it throws a curve ball at me. One of those problems as I tell people, can take me, worse case more than an hour to finish (and I can still get it wrong), on average maybe half an hour to 45 minutes, or at best, 15 minutes. But if I rush, then I don’t really learn. But if I take my time, my other subjects suffer. It’s like the war fronts in World War II. If I focus on North Africa, I may not have enough resources in the Pacific Front. But the thing with Calculus is, it seems no matter how much time and resources I throw at it, it still isn’t enough. I tried, I really tried. However, it is very difficult. So much new material. So much review of material I should have learned but forgot. It’s been more than a year since I look my last Calculus class, Calculus I. Although I got an A in that class, I’ll be happy to just get a C and move on with my major. You know, and I’m trying not to let this get to me, but sometimes, facing failure and certain defeat even in the midst of effort, I sometimes tell myself that I’m not smart enough for Computer Science. But I know, deep inside, that time is more of a factor. That and resources. If I have people who can help me, tutor me, my own private tutor, heh, that would be awesome, I would do better. But still, I have many help. I know computers, I know where to find and get help, and to get help ethically. I think the biggest issue, and yes, I have been doing better with discipline and my time, but it’s still not enough but I’m still working on it, is discipline. Well, if you look deeper, it’s not really discipline but endurance. If you look then deeper, it’s not just endurance but my spirit. Many times, I get discouraged in life events. I feel like I’m fighting without hope. But who is my hope? My hope comes from God. Do not put your trust in princes, who cannot save, but put your hope in God. God is the only reason why I’m still fighting. There is a difference between trying and still failing and failing and not trying. People say results is all that counts. The Bible says it’s by a person’s fruits that their actions be known, that that fruit can also be interpreted as result. However, I believe trying and effort are also fruits. God does see the heart, and there is a difference between someone who picks up a sword to fight (for love, from that Bethel song We Dance ) but loses, to someone who doesn’t even try and loses. What I believe is not the results. Results depress people. Results forces people to compare against another. Brother against brother. People and society shouldn’t look at results but at the heart, at the efforts, at the tryings, at the intentions. Results are like the tip of an iceberg, like a tree, but it is a product of effort, of perseverance, of, to me, trusting in God. For me, and probably for the rest of my life, I don’t measure myself by results. If you measure yourself by results than many battles can become unwinnable. But I base myself on the inner battles, in whether I tried and how much I tried, such as did I try my best? I base it on my effort. Even if I do my best and lose, if I have truly done my best, or I can lower the standard, and say just try but genuinely try, then I don’t count as a loss. There are many examples but God sees the heart. The heart is deceitful, yes, God sees that, but God also sees people’s efforts, their attempts, their tryings. Their attempts to worship God, their attempts to love God, to please Him. Even if they fail later, as long as they don’t give up and keep trying, and increase their efforts, and you will get better, and repent, …. What I want to say is this. That though this world is based on outward appearances, on results, we should base ourselves not on results, which we can’t always control, but on our efforts. If you try nothing and still win, then you’re lucky…. I haven’t wrote so long. My sword is still rusty. You see, but I still try. If I have given up, I would not have written anymore. This blog, this discovery is a product of my efforts of my tryings. Yes, in the beginning, it’s embarrassing, I made mistakes, but as I kept trying, genuinely trying, it gets better.
Sometimes God gives us unwinnable situations like in the case of Job to test us. In that scenario, results don’t matter. People, Job’s friends look at the results, they look at his predicament, his remaining wealth, family, children, wife, and they call him a failure. But Job didn’t look at the results. He knew in his heart that he tried, he tried, maybe his best, genuinely, to please God. So he tried to plead his case with his friends and God. And he was proven right.
I can write about how efforts and tryings correlate to better results, but that’s not my point. My point is even in the most hopeless of situations, of scenarios, as long as you try your best in that given time, which definitely includes God, maybe only Him, then, in that time frame, you won.
When I was feeling depressed and sad about the hopeless battle called my Calculus test, a word came to me and it said “Even if it’s a defeat on paper, it’s a victory in the heart.” Even if it seems I’m struggling in all my classes, which is pretty true, I resolved, already resolved, to try, regardless of the results, regardless if I get a F. Why should I still try? Because even if it’s a defeat on paper, it’s a victory in the heart.
I’m struggling with my life right now. I am constantly attacked but I still try to seek God and I still try to try to increase my try for God. That, I think, is what matters.